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What being a professional gamer and a woman taught me about my appearance. Also how it effected me (a thread) *sweats* 
When I started competing 6-7 years ago. It was for fun but I wanted to be amazing at anything I loved. I was use to locals, that was comfortable. (cont)
When I started competing 6-7 years ago. It was for fun but I wanted to be amazing at anything I loved. I was use to locals, that was comfortable. (cont)
I don't honestly recall worrying about how I looked because of the scale of the events. The moment I started going to majors, even then it didn't worry me the same. Because I was unaware of twitch chats, racial fetishes, I lacked exposure in that realm.
I think to be truthful with myself it took me a very long time to experiment with my look during this time. Because of wondering how it would be perceived on stage. How would the light hit my face, would it make me look old or young? Would it make me look attractive or not?
And being a Black woman in a space where there's not many women who are pro and look like you. It makes you feel isolated. And that ANYTHING you do will just make you stand out even more. And maybe not for all the right reasons. (this thread has been really hard to make)
I think I got scared into not experimenting as much after ELEAGUE. A place where I was suppose to celebrate my amazing performances and a great amount of pride for representing good a** TEKKEN. Just to be told my chin looks weird, my mouth looked odd, I looked old. Mind you I
Was like 22 or 23 haha. My first exposure on LIVE television. Just to feel so small. Didn't mean I wasn't proud and that my community wasn't. But I got huge exposure to how cruel, racist, and sexist the community is. And that alone made me question
why compete if I'm going to be harassed into feeling I'm not beautiful. Doesn't feel good. And makes you experience trauma.
It sucks as your first experiences in the more competitive scene. The amount of mental fortitude women have to have is insane. Haha to told you're not as cute as another ethnicity of woman is INSANE. But had happened to me. It's inhumane the kind of comments.
I'm reflecting on this because. Today after years I'm actually very comfortable in my skin so much that I don't always wear makeup on stream and I feel okay doing it. And when I do I feel just as good. But truthfully Im getting therapy. Because I won't sit here (cont)
And say it's JUST about having a thick skin because it isnt. This is emotional trauma that people go through. It feels good knowing my worth, beauty, and value now. But it still lingers and hurts sometimes. And I know it does for other women and people too.
I really want it to be normalized that pro gamers get help. I am getting therapy soon. And I do not feel an ounce of sadness about that. Thank you to everyone over the years who supported me and loved me inside and out.
This was hard. But I am never going to sugar coat this ever again. Because mentally it's draining. I told my story about it because people go through this all the time. I KNOW THEY DO. But people have been bullied into being told it's just the twitch chat. It's so much more
Than that. Because the people in the chat are the same ones at events and will say those same things in your face or behind your back.
I love competing and have for as long as I picked up a controller. But to be a healthy pro gamer and healthy person I need to get therapy. For all the great things that I've gotten for working hard and earning my spot I still need therapy.
Because it haunts me sometimes. I feel way better than I did few years back about it. But yeah I'm getting therapy and this is why. Uh thanks for listening 
This was too long and I'm crying . But I think I contained it for too long. I can't do that anymore. It's not fair to myself. People need to know the emotional cost of competing in public and putting yourself out there sometimes.
Overall, celebrate every W you take. And ALL your hard work. But make sure you get the help you need when dealing with the public as a professional. PLEASE. Don't let it fester too long, can't keep on being great if you're broken down right? (end)
