Thought it might be handy to put together a conservative translation guide. Share this thread for anyone who needs help parsing this stuff out. Let's start:

1. "Impeachment will further divide the nation" = Please don't make us vote against him, his supporters will kill us
2. "Now is the time to move on and heal" = Please don't hold us accountable for our actions, which brought us directly to this point
3. "Thoughts and prayers" = We don't give a shit
4. "I deeply regret taking part in the armed insurrection on the Capitol" = Fuck, I got caught
5. "I didn't break anything or steal anything and I thought we were allowed inside the building" = I am a piece of shit and a fucking liar
6. "All lives matter" or "Blue lives matter" = Black lives DON'T matter
7. "I'm not trying to overturn the election, but I'm voting against certification because we deserve to know our elections are secure" = I hope this is obtuse enough to maintain the allegiance of Trump's supporters who, again, are lunatics capable of killing us
8. "This is like 1984" = I have never read 1984
9. "This is censorship/This is a violation of the 1st Amendment" = I don't know how censorship or the 1st Amendment work, or at least, I'm hoping you don't
10. "I have always disagreed with Trump and his rhetoric" = I now see how toxic Trump is and I hope that most people have memories like a goldfish, which resets every 10 seconds
11. "I can no longer in good conscience serve this administration" = Putting kids in cages was fine, but now that *I* might get hurt or my job prospects will be impacted, it's time to go
12. "If Trump can be removed from Twitter, how long until we're next?" = Shit they're finally coming for the fascists
13. "Trump Derangement Syndrome" = A term invented by conservatives to describe hysterical liberals who thought Trump was a wannabe dictator who would try to overthrow the government
That's all I got for now, but feel free to add more!
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