Thread by @MelanieMoore, So I want to talk about friendships and why it's so hard [...]

So I want to talk about friendships and why it's so hard for people to end a friendship with someone who, unquestionably, did evil...but not to THEM.

Come along if you want. Tip jar in bio. I'm high.

And at least it's another topic for today but it also speaks to today.

So back when I worked in the CORPORATE WORLD and wore nice suits to work

I used to lunch all the time with this one guy. Here's the fucked up thing. I totally cannot remember his name and we ate lunch together like 3-4 days a week for over a year. LOL

I'm TERRIBLE with that shit. I can see his face perfectly, tell you so many deets I remember about his life, even his wife.

But name? Nope.

So let's call him Brett.

So Brett and I used to lunch together ALL THE TIME. We worked in the same dept at first and then later different ones. Brett was a gossipy straight man who looooooved to talk shit about upper management and I was someone who didn't rat anyone out to anyone so he could dish.

And I enjoyed having lunch with just one person in general. Tables are fun but can be a bit much when you want to decompress.

Anyway we'd go out and take a long lunch. I had a partner at this time (male) and one day mentioned something about our lunch which revealed my partner

knew about our lunches, because of course they did. He was SHOCKED.

If I told my wife about you...

Me: What?

There was NOTHING sexual between us. I mean idk if he had feels but I sincerely doubt he did. I NEVER got that vibe. And I NEVER gave him that vibe.

I don't shit where I eat.

And he acknowledged there was never anything sexual between us, and our lunches were completely above board.

But how could a PARTNER understand that? OF COURSE she'd be jealous. And if she ever SAW me? Forget it. He wouldn't be allowed to SPEAK to me let alone lunch with me.

Which I thought was fucking weird and said so.

Anyway we'd talk about shit like that and that was a hilarious one where he sincerely couldn't believe I'd told my partner and it wasn't a big whoop.

ANYHOO...

One day he asked if he could talk to me about something REALLY personal, as he respected my opinion AND I was someone who hadn't ever broken his trust. I wasn't a gossiper.

We didn't have this language at the time....but what he needed was a safe space to talk about some shit really troubling him with someone who he could SAFELY talk to about it, who didn't know the other people involved, and who he felt knew HIM and could give him good feedback.

So before reddit.

He and two other guys were besties all through school growing up. From elementary school. Maybe kindergarten, but deffo elementary school.

3 musketeers. Did everything together. Brothers practically.

They graduate HS. Go to different colleges. Still all close buds.

Right after HS tho? One of those 3 musketeers was arrested, charged, prosecuted and convicted for child molestation.

The plea down was for child molestation.

He had raped a child. I believe she was 8 or 9 years old.

So this wasn't even a case where he could lie and claim it was a girl who's age he didn't know she lied etc.

Nope. Rape of a child.

His family put out...I THINK...that he hadn't done it. That he had to take the plea, you know.

I THINK that's what they were going with. I know Brett mentioend the guy's mom was in COMPLETE denial.

Brett thought he was innocent, because he didn't know the evidence because ....

that shit isn't openly told to everyone, esp when it involves A CHILD.

And it was his childhood friend. He had NEVER seen or heard ANYTHING that indicated....anything like that. Never a joke. Never a look. Never an odd incident. None he could recall and he tried.

He went and saw him in prison.

And he asked.

Did you do it?

His friend paused, and then said.

Yeah.

They didn't talk about it. Brett didn't know to KNOW anything about it. You know?

But yeah. He did it.

Brett was torn. This was still to him, his friend he'd always known. His brother. He *loved* this guy as one would a childhood friend and compatriot.

Brett wasn't torn about the friendship.

Brett was torn because his wife was pregnant. And his friend would get out of prison in a few years.

And Brett, who had maintained his friendship...wondered if he could allow him around a child.

Me: NOOOOOO AND WHY ARE YOU STILL FRIENDS OMGERD

And that was the other aspect to it.

Brett...didn't want to be friends with the child rapist. He couldn't even CALL him a rapist. Child molester was hard enough for him to choke out, but I made him use 'rapist' because that's what the fuck he was.

But he'd never SEEN that guy. He'd never KNOWN that guy who did that terrible thing.

So it felt disloyal to him, in a very terrible dishonorable way, to reject a friend at his lowest...the friend he'd always known.

And I was like dude. Here's the 411 on these people. He's always been this. He fantasized about this shit for years, WHILE YOU KNEW HIM. He didn't suddenly one day lose control or some shit.

Brett would you ever rape me?

Brett: If you told me right now you wanted to fuck me, I'd try to talk you out of it because I know you care about your partner and wouldn't do that. It's not you, and I know you'd have issues with it. Let alone take advantage

was the jist

Because while Brett had flaws, and lord he had flaws...he was not a bad person.

Would you ever rape a CHILD Brett?

Because your friend did. And he didn't just decide THAT day to do it. He had been thinking about it for a long, long time.

And you never saw that part of him. He kept that carefully hidden from you. And we know that because you wracked your brain, tortured yourself, trying to go back and see...

what was there, but was hidden from you because your friend KNEW and KNOWS what an absolute evil it is.

And that you would NEVER.

You don't know your friend. And he was never your friend.

He was, in limited ways. And he probably loves you, in his limited ways. And what friendship he COULD extend...he did.

But you don't keep yourself...your *self* hidden from your friends.

You avoid telling your wife about me because she has flaws. She's a jealous woman, has some insecurities. That's okay, everyone has flaws. And you've taken the road of easiest. You're doing nothing wrong...

and you are avoiding the fight. I get that. But you're not hiding your SELF from her. I think this issue (the not telling her) will be problematic for you both, esp down the road. But maybe not, maybe it's a compromise for you guys.

But it's not a hiding of SELF. No betrayal.

His friend knew this aspect of self, was unacceptable to those not like himself.

That's what evil does.

That's also what your Nazi 'friends' do.

And if you choose to be friends with evil, then...yeah you're taking on that evil.

And no it wasn't a case of someone who'd done a terrible thing and was looking to reform.

Recall the lies of innocence still being spread. I've also left a lot out about how the victim

was attacked on many levels by his family and thus the plea deal to spare her.

Brett's struggles are...understandable. Because in the ABSTRACT it's easy to go 'yeah FUCK that child rapist I would [redacted redacted redacted]. And I am in your camp.

But think about someone you TRULY love. Someone you'd go balls to the wall for.

And now imagine the unthinkable. Yeah I know, I can't either.

And neither could Brett.

IF MONSTERS LOOKED LIKE MONSTERS WE WOULD LIVE IN A UTOPIA BECAUSE WE COULD EASILY IDENTIFY THEM AND GET RID OF THEM

I can't think of anyone in that circle being CAPABLE of such a thing. In my circle. It truly, truly is unthinkable because people in THAT inner circle of mine are people I believe with every fiber of my being....

could not choose true evil.

Brett thought so too.

So even when they tell you to your face...that they are this evil. A child rapist. A Nazi. A racist. Whatever the evil is.

When it's not DONE UNTO YOU, when it wasn't something SHOWN to you through the friendship...

you don't want to accept it.

YOU want the friend you thought you knew back. YOU want to reach that person because this ...monster...is an aberration.

We treat it almost like a demonic possession because it's so ALIEN to us.

Brett's struggle came to a head when confronted with the danger being personal.

HIS future child.

I also knew Brett pretty well. And how strong his backbone was.

I mean he wouldn't tell his wife about LUNCH for chrissake.

So I suggested he tell all this to his WIFE, the soon to be MOTHER of his child. And when she demanded he end the friendship, as she certainly would...

he could shrug it off on her and be done with it.

Brett actually said, because I recall this vividly

Well, maybe it'll be a boy (referring to his future kid)

And I had to ask him, was it really about the DANGER his friend posed and only that would make him question this friendship?

Did he WANT to be friends with someone he knew would rape a child again if he could?

I mean...really Brett?

And that brought him back around ofc, but he had to be brought back around. Because his mind NATURALLY goes back to the friend HE KNEW, not the monster.

And I told him then he needed to stop thinking about this asshole as though they were all 12 in the treehouse, and remember WHO HE IS NOW.

Just as Brett wasn't that kid anymore neither was this guy. When you think of him?

Think of the man who told you 'Yeah. I did it.'

And then think of that kid. And her family. And everyone else.

But yeah. Brett sure as shit needed that safe space. And needed I think someone to tell him that it was okay to dump this POS that he wasn't disloyal.

And again, ....think of a trusted loved one. It must be unfathomable. I wasn't who I am today back then either, so I had less empathy and more 'WTF DUDE' going on then.

Because I know it would if not shatter my world, rock it tremendously. Holy shit.

But one is not friends with evil.

One fights evil, in all its forms.

Especially when it's hard.

And while I'm done with the story, I have one more thing to say.

I'm so glad Brett had a safe space with me to air this shit out. I'm so glad I've had safe spaces where I could air out my stupidity with others.

They're SO essential.

And ALL IT IS...is a place where you can air out bad thoughts, worries, etc.

not without judgment and pushback oh no

but without gossip and bullshit. Where the focus is on helping someone be the best version of self.

I mean it's not hard and yet...we don't do this enough.

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