Dear America. Apropos of nothing, I feel like telling you about the decline of the Roman Republic and the ineptitudes of a famous coup, called the Cataline conspiracy.

First let me set the stage. The Roman republic was one of the first (and is still the longest-lived) attempts at democracy. It fell apart after nearly 500 years. The Cataline conspiracy was one of the harbingers of the end.

Now for the characters. Sadly theirs names all start with C because Romans really liked C names.

My favourite of these characters is Cato.

Cato was a stand-up guy. Notorious from childhood for his inflexible sense of justice, Cato helped bring down multiple attempts at dictatorship and obsessively found and prosecuted fraudsters and criminals. He was known to be unbribable and intensely moral.

The other big guy in charge at the time was Cicero. He was a “new man” - elected to office despite not coming from senatorial family - and a bit of an Obama. He was an intelligent moderate who wanted everyone to get along.

Also among the senate at the time was someone you probably know - one Julius Caesar, a rabble-rousing populist known for his big debts, shady friends, and “only I can save Rome” attitude.

Our last character is Cataline. Cataline came from a rich and noble family, and he was just a waste of human flesh in pretty much every way. He was the embodiment of any deadly sin you can think of. Just completely and utterly corrupt.

When Cataline, the debauched, lazy, corrupt wastrel, lost an election to Cicero, who came from an unimportant family and won entirely on his own personal merits, he decided to revolt against Rome.

Now Cataline had a lot of pals, because his lifestyle was so very playboy mansion that everyone always had a very good time with him. It was one long fratboy party at Cataline’s house. He was excellent at corrupting people, especially young men.

Since Cataline absolutely hemorrhaged money, he was a big advocate for debt relief, so he gained a lot of popularity with poor plebs who also wanted their debts cancelled.

Cataline also managed to gather a throng of other butthurt nobles and senators who had tried to be elected for consul and lost.

Between Cataline’s throng of friends and his popular support from the poor, he was sure he could win the election to be consul.

Unfortunately for him, poor people couldn’t vote. Only nobles. And the nobility had seen Cataline in court. A LOT. Despite near universal acceptance of his guilt he was still acquitted of several big crimes.

First, Cataline had his own daughter killed so the woman he wanted to marry wouldn’t have to be a step mother. Then he seduced a vestal virgin which was a capital crime. He also killed his own brother in law and carried his head through town on a stick.

How did Cataline get away with all his crimes? Well, because he came from a very big and important family so people kept letting him off the hook. His pal Caesar was one of them.

Cato the stand-up-guy was the one who kept prosecuting him anyway.

Anyway, Cicero and another guy, Hybrida, won the consulships and Cataline didnt and Cataline didnt take it very well at all.

Cataline and his loser cronies started to amass an army, and devised a plan to kill Cicero, then set fire to the Senate.

Why did Cataline want to go after Cicero? Well because he was jealous as hell. Cicero was, you know, QUALIFIED. A philosopher, poet, statesman, and the kind of speaker who made people stop in the street to listen. Everything Cataline wasn’t.

Cataline went around telling everyone that he needed to liberate the people of Rome from their terrible debts, and proposed a revolution to take back Rome for the people. Cicero was all like “yeah but the constitution is important too, so...”

It was a woman named Fulvia who discovered the plot to overthrow Cicero. Her boyfriend promised her riches after he helped storm Rome. She was like “ew that’s shady” and went to tell her friend, Cicero’s wife.

Cicero believed the women but no one else really did. The senate was like “stop fearmongering, Cicero, you’re exaggerating. Cataline couldn’t organize his way out of a paper bag.”

Meanwhile, the richest senator got a bunch of letters dropped at his door addressed to him and several other senators warning them to get out of Rome. He took these straight to Cicero.

Cicero went to the senate and handed out the letters personally. “Hi, here’s a letter warning you about the plot you tell me isn’t happening.”

Cataline is all like “well I, for one, am SHOCKED.” And the other senators are like “is there a coup coming? I don’t know...”

While the rich people continued to say “nonsense!” Cicero hired himself some bodyguards.

When Fulvia showed up at his door and told him that he was to be assassinated the next day, he had his guards waiting to welcome the assassins. Then he marched to the senate.

When Cicero showed up to work alive that day Cataline was all like “Cicero! You’re... here! I mean... of course you are...” and Cicero was like “hi everyone. Cataline sent assassins to my door this morning. How are all of you?”

The other senators looked at Cataline and kind of edged away from him on their benches.

Cataline was shameless though. He basically stood up and was like “how can you believe that! I’m from a famous family! I’m basically a Kennedy! And this guy is a total nobody! How can you choose an outsider, a new man, over someone like me?”

Senate: “oh excellent point.”

Cicero is like “are you guys kidding me? He tried to have me killed.”

Cataline: “no I didn’t.”

Cicero: “did too.”

Cataline: “did not”

Cicero: “did too INFINITY”.

Cataline offered to put himself under house arrest, but later that night left the city, telling everyone he was too insulted to stay in Rome and he was going to take his toys and go home.

On the way out, though, he and his cronies gather up another 300 men for their army. They weren’t sneaky about it. They basically went around going “hey, did you know it’s all Cicero’s fault you’re poor? Come fight for us!”

So Cicero gathers a bunch of witnesses willing to go to the senate and say “yeah... uh... I was told that Cataline was starting a revolution and we won’t have debt anymore...”

So they send troops to the homes of five of Cataline’s buddies where they find weapons and stuff horded away. These five guys are arrested immediately.

The Senate weren’t sure what to do with the people who had plotted to kill the then and burn down Rome. They were guilty of treason, which was a capital offence punishable by death. But they had a right to trial.

Cicero said they should be put to death as quickly as possible, because otherwise the army that was already on the way would just come in and release them and burn down Rome as planned.

Julius Caesar, however, the friend of Cataline and definitely-probably-not-maybe another conspirator was like “That’s so mean. We’ll just take away their land and lock them up in different cities.”

“Yeah, we can’t KILL rich people,” the senators agreed. “They’re NOBLE.”

So then my pal Cato stands up and asks them what the hell is wrong with them.

His argument goes like this:

1. These people are traitors who were going to help sack Rome and take down democracy.

2. The head conspirator, Cataline, is coming with an army to KILL US.

3. Cato argues that if you don’t take treason seriously and show that you take it seriously, it emboldens other traitors and makes it more possible to happen again. He says that the only way to preserve the republic is to act swiftly to defend it.

Cato: this guy killed his own daughter, his own brother in law, raped a vestal virgin, and you guys kept giving him breaks. Now he has an ARMY, and you want to be nice to the people who knew all this and helped him pull it off??

The senate, obviously an easily swayed bunch, now agrees that Cato is right. Cicero orders someone to take minutes and write down all the evidence that these conspirators were traitors, and the senate puts them to death on the spot.

The action is harsh and of questionable legality, but it has the desired effect. When news of the executions reached Cataline’s army, his rabble went “oh crap. This is treason? I just wanted to get rid of my debt!” And 75% of the army fled, as Cato had predicted.

Cataline’s remaining army was hunted down and defeated.

The republic, for a time, had been preserved.

But Caesar, who Cato and Cicero suspected of being another conspirator but was smart enough not to get caught, would eventually bring it down.

Just as they had done with Cataline, the senate ignored rumours that Caesar was a good friend of Cataline’s and must have known about the plot. Caesar would use the executions-without-trial as a way to build himself a reputation as the one merciful and fair senator.

Cato would go on to invent the filibuster as a way to stop a bid for power made by Caesar.

Cicero would spend the rest of his life trying to defend democracy. He would eventually be beheaded by Caesar’s friend, Marc Antony.

I’ll end my oversimplified summary of Roman history with this question, asked by Cicero after Cataline tried to assassinate him, when the senate still chose not to act.

“How long, Catiline, will you go on abusing our patience?”