hm... for a long time I’ve been plagued by an angsty idea of post canon ranwan, with cwn rejecting mo ran bc he thinks mo ran should live his own life + he’s too traumatized by txj. mo ran is crushed but bc he loves cwn, he leaves him. yet two years down the line cwn realizes

his mistake. he desperately misses mo ran. so he goes to xue meng (whom he visits every few months) and for the first time in two years, he asks about mo ran. where he is, how he’s doing. xue meng shifts awkwardly and reluctantly responds that he’s doing well. cwn hears his tone.

xue meng can never deny his Shizun anything, so he tells him the truth: that mo ran is doing well, and that.... he’s gotten married to a fruitseller from yuliang village, which is where he lives, farming and cultivating.

Chu Wanning's face shutters, like it always does when he hears something that hurts him deeply. He internalizes the pain, takes it entirely inside him, so that his only outward reaction is a flicker of his eyelashes, a subtle tremble of his fingers that only Mo Ran would've seen.

He has no one to blame but himself. That day when Mo Ran came back and found him in Nanping Mountain, was it not him that told Mo Ran it would be best to part ways? Was it not him who said he can't love Taxian-jun without feeling guilt at his sins, or terror about the past?

Mo Ran had looked at him and smiled sadly, and nodded, saying that Chu Wanning was right, that a beast like Mo Ran, who'd hurt so many people, who'd hurt Chu Wanning so brutally and viciously, did not deserve his love. He promised Chu Wanning to stay away from him for good.

And yet, Mo Ran had also promised that he'd never love anyone like he loves Chu Wanning.

"I don't say that to belittle Wanning or manipulate him," Mo Ran said softly, nothing but fondness in his eyes. Even then he wasn't angry at Chu Wanning, and didn't blame him for anything.

Chu Wanning's stomach had turned at how compassionate the man was, how he took everything in stride, especially Chu Wanning's cruel treatment of him.

"I don't want Wanning to ever forget that he built and gave me my heart; that my heart is his to keep and his to give away."

The memories fade in front of Chu Wanning and curl into the steam rising from his cup of jasmine tea. He stares at his reflection in the cup, an ice cold, severe man who looks unlovable, stingy with his affection and unable to hold on to anything that's good for him.

Mo Ran had promised him that Wanning was his heart, always. And yet, a measly two years later, did he break that promise by marrying someone else? How flimsy and meaningless was Wanning's love that Mo Ran could happily and easily forget him in just two years?

And yet, when Chu Wanning reflects on their relationship, he realizes that he took from Mo Ran far more than he gave. He'd whipped him, belittled him, yelled at him, gone against him, even tried to kill him. What did Mo Ran get in return except for betrayal and anger?

Chu Wanning knows that he got what he asked for. How could he be happy with Mo Ran when Taxian-jun had ravaged the world, had been partially responsible for the disaster that occurred? How could he look Mo Ran in the eyes without flinching at bloodstained images from the past?

Hua Zui's teachings were inherently hypocritical, and when Chu Wanning left him, he'd vowed to himself to never follow his path, to never live in a way that goes against his ideals. How can Chu Wanning be a champion for the common people and love a man who hurt them?

And yet, when Mo Ran left him, Chu Wanning lived every day plagued with yearning and guilt. Mo Ran was not intentionally evil; Mo Ran took a devouring flower into his heart simply to protect Chu Wanning.