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Twenty years today since we lost our Mum.
Odd to think that 20 years ago, Little Sean had just started doing a grieve and two whole decades later Big Sean (or big-ish) still is.
A teeny thread about grief and gifts and gifs.
Odd to think that 20 years ago, Little Sean had just started doing a grieve and two whole decades later Big Sean (or big-ish) still is.
A teeny thread about grief and gifts and gifs.
I used to think it would be for a finite amount of time- the grief. I used to think I’d eventually get to package it all up in a neat box, maybe with a bow or a bit of string or just a shit load of gaffa and that would be that. Done.
Thank you for your service, Grief. That was you. Now this is me, a la Greatest Showman, without you.
Doesn’t work that way it turns out, despite my very dogged and determined wrestling with it.
Grief likes to hang around. Rock up and cause chaos when least expected and most inconvenient. And there ain’t nothing you can do about it.
(Grief is in pink, I’m the one in purple)
Grief likes to hang around. Rock up and cause chaos when least expected and most inconvenient. And there ain’t nothing you can do about it.
(Grief is in pink, I’m the one in purple)
So that’s me now.
Me and Grief. Thick as thieves.
Inseparable, indivisible, inextricable #Frendz4Lyf
Me and Grief. Thick as thieves.
Inseparable, indivisible, inextricable #Frendz4Lyf
Feels different now though. Not convinced it gets easier necessarily but it definitely shape-shifts. And although it’s a total pain in the fucking arse most of the time -
(particularly during a global pandemic where you can only leave your house once a day and you can’t hug your friends or family and the country you live in is ran by incompetent narcissistic moronic fuckwits 
)
)
I’m pretty sure it’s not a bad thing anymore. Which is nice. Turns out maybe the grief is a good thing.
Maybe it’s even a gift.
Maybe it’s even a gift.
Not a gift that I wanted or signed up for, but a gift nonetheless. And it’s the last gift my Mum ever gave me. So I’ll stop wrestling with it and start treasuring it.
Another gift from Momma L that I treasured was a toy of Phil from Hercules. Why Little Sean identified so much with a cranky half human half goat played by Danny DeVito we’ll never know. But I loved him.
One day, I fell off my bed (I was jumping on it. It was my own fault) and got impaled on Phil’s horns. My Mum literally had to pull him out of me and patch me up.
I still have the scar - two tiny circles on the small of my back.
I still have the scar - two tiny circles on the small of my back.
I was inconsolable and looking for revenge. So, in a fit of pure 7 year old rage at how my trusted friend Phil wronged me (‘HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?! 
) I threw him away and refused to be reasoned with 
) I threw him away and refused to be reasoned with
Momma L was smarter than that though.
And a couple of weeks later as my wound healed and I missed Phil, she produced him. She’d fished him out of the wheelie bin guessing at some point I’d be wanting him back. That the impaling was a minor blip in our blossoming friendship.
And a couple of weeks later as my wound healed and I missed Phil, she produced him. She’d fished him out of the wheelie bin guessing at some point I’d be wanting him back. That the impaling was a minor blip in our blossoming friendship.
She was right.
Phil and I were reunited. I was happy as a clam and all was forgiven.
Phil and I were reunited. I was happy as a clam and all was forgiven.
Time passes, the pain dulls and what you’re feeling right now, isn’t what you’re always going to feel.
Turns out Momma L taught me that too. Right before I’d really need it.
Turns out Momma L taught me that too. Right before I’d really need it.
Grief has led me to some of the best people and places.
It’s taught me fuck loads about the universe and myself.
It’s made me howl with laughter and sob like I’ve just watched Toy Story 3 on a hangover.
It’s taught me fuck loads about the universe and myself.
It’s made me howl with laughter and sob like I’ve just watched Toy Story 3 on a hangover.
And it’s meant for the last twenty years I’ve been looking at the world through a slightly skewed lens.
Like a kaleidoscope, but madder and better and brighter.
Like a kaleidoscope, but madder and better and brighter.
And for that, I’ll always be grateful.
Thank you, Grief. Thank you, Mum.
And well done, Little Sean. It all turned out alright.
Thank you, Grief. Thank you, Mum.
And well done, Little Sean. It all turned out alright.
