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I don't know if I can keep this up, and there is nothing funny about a sitting US Senator providing aid and comfort to insurrectionists, but I'm going to pass the time by mocking Josh Hawley, who hates the rule of law. This is how I cope.
Remember that annoying kid in high school that everyone hated? That was Josh Hawley.
Josh Hawley steals money from The Bank when he plays Monopoly with his children.
Josh Hawley doesn't understand why Zima wasn't more popular.
D and D kids shun Josh Hawley because he always wants to be Dungeon Master and he doesn't even really understand the rules.
Josh Hawley still wears two polo shirts, both with the collars flipped up.
Even the Republican senators voted to kick Josh Hawley out of the Undisclosed Location, but the Capitol Police wouldn't let them.
Josh Hawley uses too much Axe body spray.
Josh Hawley calls Return of the Jedi "Jedi" and gets mad if you disparage it.
Josh Hawley's favorite book was "The Outsiders" until he found out S.E. Hinton was "a girl."
Josh Hawley doesn't like it when you mess with stuff on his desk.
In fourth grade, Josh Hawley would tell the teacher if he felt like you kept the hall pass too long.
In junior high, the teachers would have to take turns letting Josh Hawley spend lunch in their rooms because he was annoying AF but it was easier than letting him get beat up by his peers every day.
Josh Hawley would dramatically throw his arm over his test and sigh, like he wanted you to stop copying him but no one would copy the test of a mouth breather like Josh Hawley.
Josh Hawley thinks he's Archie but he's not even Jughead.
Girls at his high school always really appreciated that one guy who would be cool about telling Josh Hawley he was creeping out the girls and he needed to leave them alone.
Josh Hawley calls Uber drivers "Pal" and then spends 20 minutes after the ride trying to figure out how to zero out the tip.
Josh Hawley slips the hostess a dollar bill and says "Give us a nice table, sweetie."
At the Senate gym, Josh Hawley doesn't put the five pound weights back in the rack when he is done with them.
Josh Hawley thinks it was cool that Penn Badgley was Gossip Girl.
Josh Hawley feels like Senator Joe McCarthy got a bad rap.
Josh Hawley would never in a million years object to the PA vote if it meant he would have to protect himself, rather than rely on the Capitol Police to do it for him.
Josh Hawley is a strong supporter of the Second Amendment, but doesn't like actually shooting guns because they are "very loud."
