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when I was a teenager, the dominant criticism my closest friends had of me was that I was too arrogant, and they were right. I was too caustic, abrasive, eager to nitpick, quick to criticize, and I was way too certain of myself. I spent my entire 20s trying to correct for this
the social niceties stuff were relatively trivial for me to address. learning to be gracious, patient, I could manage all of that. But "too certain of oneself" goes order of magnitudes deeper. It goes into philosophical territory about risk, certainty, the nature of knowledge
I very seriously experimented with beliefs like "almost everything I know is wrong to a degree I do not understand", "my mental models are contaminated beyond repair", "I have been indoctrinated and need to be deradicalized", I subjected myself and my mind to radical rewrites
Over 8+ years I wrote over 800,000 words of introspective journaling, investigating my own mind, investigating the investigator. I read & talked to thousands of people from around the world to seek out different ways of thinking, seeing, being, believing, knowing, understanding
I tried to think of myself as a robot that needed debugging. I actually made substantial progress with that
I tried to think of myself as a garden that needed tending. I made substantial progress with that
I tried not to think of myself at all, and I transcended progress itself
I tried to think of myself as a garden that needed tending. I made substantial progress with that
I tried not to think of myself at all, and I transcended progress itself
I experimented with trying really hard, and I experimented with not trying at all
I experimented with scheduling and calendaring my life, and I experimented with throwing everything to the wind
I questioned everything several times over, and I questioned nothing
I experimented with scheduling and calendaring my life, and I experimented with throwing everything to the wind
I questioned everything several times over, and I questioned nothing
And... at the end of it all... in the middle of it all... I attained a level of calm clarity that, ironically, gave me even more of an aura of "certain of himself" than ever before
I know how it looks, I know how it sounds
but my priority is to live and speak honestly
I know how it looks, I know how it sounds
but my priority is to live and speak honestly
it's not that I don't make mistakes
it's not that I don't get things wrong
I do
but I am like a musician who's skilled at improvising – I recover from my mistakes gracefully, I work them into my playing
what troubles some people is that I am insufficiently self-deprecating
it's not that I don't get things wrong
I do
but I am like a musician who's skilled at improvising – I recover from my mistakes gracefully, I work them into my playing
what troubles some people is that I am insufficiently self-deprecating
and I am not a "natural" at this – this skill is something I've picked up from a 15+ years of practice and study, the way a skilled musician would
and I talk about it openly because when I was a kid I wished someone would tell me this stuff, and nobody did, not quite
and I talk about it openly because when I was a kid I wished someone would tell me this stuff, and nobody did, not quite
I can return now to my friends' original criticism and discern what they were trying to say, that they couldn't quite articulate properly. there are many different latent messages encoded in a statement like "you are too certain of yourself"
1. your frames are too rigid → this is something you can fix by learning to be more flexible with your frames
2. you are too confident → this conflates bluster and bravado (bad) with the casual, sleepy ease of having deep knowledge https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1329034321466834944
2. you are too confident → this conflates bluster and bravado (bad) with the casual, sleepy ease of having deep knowledge https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1329034321466834944
I have rebuilt myself from scratch in the absolute wilderness, in total isolation, in the dark night of the soul
twice
having done it before, I know I can do it again
the result is a kind of fearlessness that attracts some people and repels others
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
twice
having done it before, I know I can do it again
the result is a kind of fearlessness that attracts some people and repels others
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
recent meditation has made me realize that I have been trying to mask this, trying to suppress this, to be polite. to be civil. to not be arrogant. to not intimidate and scare people.
but this is dishonest of me, and I want to live an honest life https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1304831862028644353
but this is dishonest of me, and I want to live an honest life https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1304831862028644353
btw, here are some of the things that my friends were telling me I was cocky and arrogant about:
1. that I was going to marry my first girlfriend (I did)
2. that I was going to build an international audience (I did)
1. that I was going to marry my first girlfriend (I did)
2. that I was going to build an international audience (I did)
3. that I was going to make a decent living without going to university (I do)
4. that university professors would want to hang out with me, an autodidact (they do)
5. that I was going to be hired for somebody who respected my idiosyncrasies, without a resume (I was)
4. that university professors would want to hang out with me, an autodidact (they do)
5. that I was going to be hired for somebody who respected my idiosyncrasies, without a resume (I was)
6. that I would have a successful business and be invited to speak/lecture at universities (done that)
7. that my band would play at the esplanade powerhouse stage, despite not being great musicians (we did)
8. that I would be the #1 search result for my first name (pretty much?)
7. that my band would play at the esplanade powerhouse stage, despite not being great musicians (we did)
8. that I would be the #1 search result for my first name (pretty much?)
9. that I would write and publish books that hundreds of people would want to buy and read (yep)
I could go on.
Looking back, I think the right frame is: they witnessed me disregard their internalized shared limiting beliefs, and saw this as a status violation on my part
I could go on.
Looking back, I think the right frame is: they witnessed me disregard their internalized shared limiting beliefs, and saw this as a status violation on my part
looking back, I'm not sad that they were wrong about me
I'm sad that I allowed them being wrong about me to let me be wrong about myself
I definitely allowed their thinking to contaminate mine
hanging out with unambitious people definitely dimmed my own ambition
never again
I'm sad that I allowed them being wrong about me to let me be wrong about myself
I definitely allowed their thinking to contaminate mine
hanging out with unambitious people definitely dimmed my own ambition
never again
also, they never admitted to being unambitious – a thing that I might've been angry/mad about a few years ago, but now kinda chuckle about. it's absolutely fine to be unambitious. you can live a good, simple, worthwhile life.
the worst thing here is the *pretense* of ambition.
the worst thing here is the *pretense* of ambition.
people who *pretend* to be ambitious waste the valuable time and energy of actually-ambitious people, sucking them into their sitcoms and distracting them from the actual adventures they ought to be going on https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1153713364117282816
but, yknow. people gonna people. there's no sense in getting mad about it. the thing is to focus on finding the people who get you. https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1153724639467544576
I am not looking for people to affirm me, tell me I am so great, agree with everything I say, etc. I don't want that. I don't want fanboys or haters (who are fans too). I'm looking for other creative, ambitious, playful people to play with, folks who prioritize doing cool things
I am here to find the others. Part of doing this means volunteering to be hyper-visible, which means being vulnerable to attack. I debated with myself internally, extensively, for years. I didn't feel worthy, and simultaneously, I was afraid https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/981637431639228416
but when I see the friendships that people forge with each other in my mentions, I realize it is the right thing to do.
I would honestly kinda prefer it if there were someone else I trusted to take the lead... but nobody sees things quite the way I do.
I would honestly kinda prefer it if there were someone else I trusted to take the lead... but nobody sees things quite the way I do.
a cheesy-yet-true answer is "I think of the children". I think of the curious kids who are miserable, stuck in shitty social graphs, who could do wonderful things if someone just showed them how. I was one of them; I am being who I wished I had in my life https://twitter.com/tweepul/status/1346828196033875968
me: I'm tired of discussing politics with you guys. I'd rather meet and talk with the prime minister.
my friends: that's so fucking cocky and arrogant of you lmao why the fuck would he want to talk to you
me: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I'll figure it out
my friends: that's so fucking cocky and arrogant of you lmao why the fuck would he want to talk to you
me: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I'll figure it out
if the laws of physics don't forbid it, then it's mostly just a matter of figuring out the steps along the way
every day people on this birdsite complain about "women are like this" and "men are like that". I got married at 22 so I don't really bother playing this game, but I'll just say
you can define a bf or gf that you'd like, and then have them come find you https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1346524628353572864
you can define a bf or gf that you'd like, and then have them come find you https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1346524628353572864
