Writing essays is weird.

So, I love fiction from people who are being deeply, intimately personal, right? There's just something more compelling to me to read someone who is coming from that intensely personal place who knows what they like than someone who is doing design by committee.

With essays, it's the same way; give me someone with strong opinions and really, really good arguments to back it up over someone who says "you might like it, you might not" every time. I don't respect a waffling opinion, because it's, y'know, it's... nothing?

Over the years, people have read my essays, and a few common complaints come up, and it's one I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with.

Early on, people said "you say everything like it's fact," so I tried to add more "I think" and "I believe" and "I feel" qualifiers, right?

I didn't think I NEEDED to, because any opinion I express is subjective to me. But still, I got the accusation "you are acting objective"

And after a while, I started to realize, a lot of the people doing this weren't actually interested in engaging--these were people who saw I worked REALLY hard to say "this is what I think and this is why I think it, this is me showing my work."

Then they'd go "I don't want to actually try to disagree, so I'm just gonna say it's subjective to nullify without DOING anything." But there were some people for whom the "I think/I believe" made them feel better, so now it's part of my language. It is how I talk now.

But sometimes people still go "you act like everything you say is objective!" and I've even had some say "you said this" and I'm like "the exact start of that sentence is "i feel like..." so how can I emphasize subjectivity more?"

And then I've had one of two responses. The first is fascinating, because it's usually, "huh, you're right. I don't know why it feels like you're acting objective when you aren't. You did say this was your opinion after all."

It's happened too often to count and it's weird.

The second response is basically "you should end your sentence with 'maybe I'm wrong' or 'but that's just my opinion.'"

These people, in my decade+ of experience with this, aren't interested in good faith discussion. What they want is to feel unmoved.

People do not want to have their opinions challenged; they want any threat to "the way I think it is" to nullify itself before it gets out the door. An in depth, well reasoned opinion that makes them feel they have to change is treated like an attack.

When someone is dead-set on complacency, and you say "hmm, here is a new way of thinking," and that thinking means they have to change, some people would rather you just said "jk lol im kidding you can ignore me don't worry thats just my opinion im not threatening your sloth"

I don't think I can really ever make those people happy other than to stop respecting myself.

I don't respect writers and artists who constantly second-guess themselves and say "maybe I'm wrong." I respect people who are open to that possibility, but I cannot respect people who couch EVERYTHING with "I don't trust my own takes."

Every friend I have is someone I respect deeply because they have a strong sense of self, and the ones who don't think they do just haven't figured out that they do yet.

I spent years and multiple relationships being told I don't matter, I should shut up, I'm an idiot. Fuck that

Every essay I write, I write trying to show every inch of my work. I want you to follow my reasoning. The best responses I've ever had to my work are either "you helped me figure out something I have been struggling to say" or "i don't always agree but you show your work."

But!

I think there are still people who AREN'T bad faith complacent assholes. I think there are people who have interesting, valid opinions that run counter to my own, who look at what I have written and still think I'm coming across as too forceful and arrogant.

To them?? I dunno.

Like, look at my preface for the horror piece. It's lengthier than this. But I tried to address the typical criticisms, right? "you don't know anything" with "I do this professionally and people seem to like it" and "you're saying I have to be this way" with "be whoever you want"

I was trying to go "listen, if you disagree with me, that's totally okay! the only reason I'm speaking up is I think I know something about this. here are my bona fides, but I am totally cool with you deciding this isn't for you."

But there are still people out there who think "doc is an asshole who doesn't take feedback well and is imperiously trying to tell us how to behave."

I'm just trying to write persuasive essays! like, literally, look at this wiki summary!

if I spent all my tiem going "lol thats just my opinion srry srry im trying to delete it" why did I open my mouth at all? I have a perspective and I want to convince you it's right. I am not bothered if you disagree with me!!! that's okay!!!

Every friend I have vehemently disagrees with me on things!! I respect them for that. Every writer I love has strongly held beliefs I don't always agree with!! That's why I love them!

So when I write THIS:

"What I’m going to do is present an argument for what I believe to be good horror storytelling, and I’m going to talk about why I think a lot of games fail. If you find yourself disagreeing with me, that’s fine!"

What more can I do?

I am going to try to persuade you that I am right because I worked very, very hard to come to the conclusions I have and I believe in them. They pass my internal muster.

I don't write literally HUNDREDS of essay ideas I have because I'm unqualified or not ready.

So what more can I do? If you're one of these people, what would you like to see from me, bearing in mind that I will never just fucking prostrate myself and say "don't read my essay my words don't mean anything"?

I am pretty fucking open to criticism unless it's shit, right? Like, someone read an essay where I said "this guy is easy but he doesn't fit" and made a youtube video going "this guy is bad at games and thinks this is too hard." Fuck that, it's a dishonest take.

Another person read my essay that went "people can talk past each other about this subject and here are two common meanings and you should establish what people mean before carrying on to avoid drama" and said "oh doc is saying only one interpretation is valid." I didn't.

I will take feedback on board but I already tell you "I think" and "I feel" and so it's clear all this shit is my opinion. I'm not going to soften it so much that my essays stop being persuasive, that would defeat the purpose of writing to begin with.

I really appreciated someone who I won't tag in because it's 5 AM letting me get up in front of a crowd of people and arguing that Garrus is a fascist and proving my point. I said "I would never kiss a fascist" at pax east and my argument was solid.

I don't know why people think I act objectively when I literally state "this is what works for me but it might not work for you, if you don't feel this works that's okay" or that I'm resistant to criticism when I LIVE for great convos with people who have firmly held beliefs.

I don't know what more I can do but I'm always happy to learn. Just don't ask me to stop writing persuasive essays, that's literally my genre, and if I'm making you feel like I have a point, then I'm succeeding. If you don't like that I might be right... then ask yourself why?

It's an automatic process for me. I am constantly challenged by things I didn't think were right and reshaping my perspective. My parents literally raised me to be a republican and I vote democrat now lol. I am constantly trying to improve.

(there is a thing I do where sometimes I have a long held belief and someone proves me wrong and then I literally forget and repeat the thing I was clearly shown to be wrong, it's only happened a couple times but it's very embarrassing even though it's an honest forgetting)

So I mean, seriously, if you have a problem with my methodology and approach and you think I can do it better. I genuinely, truly want to.

All I want to do is be helpful and thought provoking. If you walk away going "interesting but I disagree" that still means the world to me.

long self-reflective essay tweet thread but there you go.

My goal is to write helpful essays in the genre of "persuasive essay." To write well, I know I can only go so far in making it clear this is my opinion.

If you have issues... I am open to suggestion.

I'm writing this piece on encounter design and I'm literally saying "hey I think the 'weenie' level design wisdom doesn't work, here are a few alternatives to that" and if you still feel at the end you've gotta make weenies... who am I to stop you? One dude online???? who cares??

if my work is not helpful to you then why would you care what I think?? so while I will strive to be more and more helpful, and while I absolutely have zero tolerance for the git gud crowd... if we work together to make my pieces more appealing then you and I are BOTH happy? yay!