Life lessons I took away from a year of anonymous sex ~

An Unofficial Sexual Education with Noah

TW for very slight and brief mentions or references to potential sexual assault and self harm , just in case

When I say anonymous sex, what this means to me is that I did not know the people I was hooking up with at all and so there was no vetting of my partners whatsoever.

There were multiple instances where I barely saw their faces or didnt see them at all

I have so many stories I could get into, many of which i havent even told to my closest friends.

I've carried a lot of shame about this time of my life for so long, but part of my journey to develop a healthier relationship w/ both myself and sex had lead to a lot of reflection!

I want to share some of the lessons I've learned both about safe sex practices and myself in the hope that maybe some of it will help someone else

The first - self reflection is so fucking important lmao

Why was I doing that? Why have I struggled with those memories for so long? How can I use this to grow?

Whether you like journaling, meditating, processing with others, take some time with those experiences, good, bad, or neutral, and make peace with them in your own way

Onto the more interesting stuff kdbdjd

I could sit here and tell you the obvious stuff - make sure your partners are tested, use protection, actually evaluate whether you can trust them with your health and safety, etc. but I think we should all know that logically...

And sometimes knowing things logically doesn't always translate into practicing it, so here's what I want you to take away.

1. There are good people in the world, but bad things happen to those who put too much faith in that philosophy.

I dont like being a cynic, but +

sometimes that's the only way to keep yourself safe, particularly in risky situations. I dont want anyone to walk away thinking things will go bad every time or that everyone's awful because that's not true, but naivity isnt good either.

You need to be realistic about how much +

faith you're putting in your partners having your best interest at heart. I think this applies to strangers as well as anyone. You need to advocate for yourself, dont let yourself be too dependent on someone you dont know well enough to trust.

Ask yourself hard questions about the amount of risk you're really willing to accept in the situation and take steps to control that.

If that's having an escape plan, choosing a position where you can watch what your partner is doing, sharing your location with someone you +

trust, etc., never feel bad about taking those steps and insisting that those conditions are met. You come first because it's likely you can't trust them to put you there.

If you can't advocate for yourself like that, take that carefully into consideration.

2. Kinks are all fun and games until you have to start thinking about how your mental health and perception of your self worth factor into them.

One of the hardest things I've had to analyze and accept is that theres a part of my draw towards certain sexual kinks that's +

related to my traumas, my depression, my history with self harm, etc.

This can be really upsetting to have to think about and accept.

For me, theres layers to why I've always been drawn towards masochism, anonymous sex, degradation, etc., and I need to accept that to ever +

have a healthy relationship with those things that Im still drawn towards and want to be able to enjoy

Part is not feeling like I'm worthy of being treated with kindness or respect

Another part is feeling like I need to give things others wouldnt be willing to to have any worth

I think that's a really dangerous combination and something I worry I recognize in a lot of people here who are also drawn towards submission and in particular more extreme kinks.

Theres a flip side to this that can be said about people drawn towards dominance as well.

I think a lot of my partners were also lacking a lot of self awareness. Part of that is wanting to be hopeful that they didnt treat me callously with malicious intent, they didnt take advantage consciously.

I cant really know, but I can encourage you all reading to do better

3. You are not bad for being drawn towards "bad" things.

Having sex with strangers is a bad thing to do lol, literally anyone will tell you so.

I'll even tell you so, it is objectively not good for you.

I still think it's hot. I still miss it quite a bit actually.

That doesn't make me a bad person, or stupid. I think its human, and I dont think its productive to get down on myself about it!

Part of why I have shame from that time is that yes, I was pretty young and stupid, but more than anything, I didnt care enough about my wellbeing.

It's not that I didnt know about stis or that advertising my location on craigslist to have complete strangers come fuck me was a HORRIBLE idea, I was just willing to accept any risk to myself because no risk was too much, and that makes me sadder than anything else.

But it's not fair to past, present, OR future Noah to hold that against myself.

I have grown so fucking much since then, I've learned so much about life, about sex, about myself and those experiences were a part of that.

There ARE healthy and safe ways to practice nearly any kink out there.

Anonymous sex can be recreated through roleplay or with the help of a third person to vet participants or there are steps that can be taken to mitigate risks to an extent otherwise.

Smart tips:

- always use protection and VERIFY that the protection remains in use the whole time (dont give them a chance to take the condom off)
- consider starting PrEP to prevent HIV transmission if that's an option
- always make sure someone knows where you are +

even if they dont know what exactly you're doing. If you can, send info about your partner too. You can use this as leverage if needed
- try to maintain an escape plan, reliable transportation, knowing where the exits are, etc. just in case
- be wary of any restraints! +

This includes clothing (pants around your legs, for example), anything that takes away your mobility and control.

I'm not sure theres anything I could have said to 18yo Noah that would have gotten through... personally, meaningful change, growth, realization only comes with time

But I do hope that maybe reading this inspires some thought or reflection...

And if nothing else, it was cathartic for me dkbdkd

Thank you for reading