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So, I'm feeling pretty emotionally drained after like a very long, exhausting day yesterday. But I realized maybe I should explain WHY I choose not to backdown on the CA stuff. Why I don't stop, why I hold people to a standard about it, why I'm still fighting this fight. 1/
I knew about it for a few years, and from a few people. Different stories, same beats, same guy. They weren't my stories to tell, I wanted to look out for my friends, so I stayed quiet. Through all his praise, adoration, attention, "stanning", I had to sit back and watch. 2/
I had to pretend that nothing was wrong. That he didn't give me bad feelings. That he cared as much as he said he did. That he was present with every fan in every interaction. That he was genuine. Because that's what everyone believed, and I was one person. 3/
Who would have believed me, if I said how I felt about CA? If I said what I knew, even if I didn't care about protecting people? Everyone knew I had a favorite, who was less popular. What if people thought I was being petty? Just contrary because I liked him less? 4/
His charm, his fandom, his gaslighting, his way of making people feel afraid or unsupported kept those in the know complicit as he kept up this behavior. I can't say if I thought he might have stopped as he got popular. He was still harassing people, if not sexually. 5/
He was still message bombing anyone who spoke up in ways he didn't like, trying to control his messaging, his branding, how people saw his associates. I have stories on stories and so do many of the fans who kept quiet to keep the peace. It was a well-known secret. 6/
Though I know this isn't the case, CA made me complicit in hiding what he did. To keep the peace. Just like he did a bunch of fans. Just like he did the people he hurt. That isn't to say what I faced is anywhere as traumatic as those of the people he hurt. 7/
But just as I feared, when word got out, not all responses were kind and supportive. There was silence, disbelief, and wholesale disregard for the people who were able to come forward. People who in fact had a lot to lose by speaking their truths. Including myself. 8/
CA never harassed me. Never solicited me for photos or assaulted me. But my silence enabled him to continue doing it. I decided to raise my voice for my friends, and everyone else. I was going to use my voice now that I had it back. For those who felt they couldn't. 9/
I know how it made me look to a lot of fans. How it still does. But honestly? I don't care. This man used his platform to hurt countless people. 40+ at last count. I can't ignore that. I can't pretend it didn't happen, just because I love The Expanse. I wasn't built that way. 10/
It's possible to love The Expanse and still draw the line somewhere. To me, it's important we do. It's important we face and acknowledge this happened, that our support was in part used to cover up the bad actions of someone who played a character we loved. 11/
To pretend it didn't happen in my mind is almost as bad as saying it didn't. Just because we think it's over doesn't mean people still don't need our support. There are still fans out here saying it didn't happen. We can't allow that, not when friends are hurt and discredited 12/
I had a choice. Wash my hands of years of guilt and silence, or do something with it. I chose to speak up. I will own that. Hate me, block me, whatever. I can't pretend. I can't just love The Expanse and move on. Because that pain is still in people he hurt. 13/
I refuse to allow the behavior of his supporters to go unanswered. I refuse to just wash my hands of it because he's gone. I refuse to let him ruin this thing I love for me as much as I refuse to let his influence poison this fandom, turn it against people he harmed. 14/
So. I may not have been one of the people CA targeted. He may not have hurt me to the depths he hurt others. But he still left scars. And not just on me, on this community. On all of us and this thing we love. That's not something we can just pretend away. 15/
It's something we have to face. Something we have to acknowledge. Something we have to live with. That someone used his platform and used the fandom to cover up anything he didn't want uncovered. I won't do that quietly, or prettily. Because it wasn't pretty. 16/
CA did these things. He hurt our friends. He poisoned our fandom. And he left scars that might never heal. But we don't have to accept that. I certainly don't. I'll be here tilting at this windmill as long as I need to, for those who need it, with those ready to speak up too. 17.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
