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Have you ever wanted to see inside the mind of a person you follow?
Here's your chance.
"No Man's Land"
The Psychology of CnC.
|| MEGA SELF-ANALYSIS THREAD ||
Here's your chance.
"No Man's Land"
The Psychology of CnC.
|| MEGA SELF-ANALYSIS THREAD ||
You'll see the sentiment a lot.
"Your mind is your best friend or your worst enemy."
Sometimes in the warzone of one's mind, there's a tug-of-war between the two.
This is what I call "No Man's Land."
2/n
"Your mind is your best friend or your worst enemy."
Sometimes in the warzone of one's mind, there's a tug-of-war between the two.
This is what I call "No Man's Land."
2/n
The tug-of-war in my head has led me through success to abject loss.
At 35, I am highly-educated, but with below-average social skills, no job, and no spouse.
How did this happen?
3/n
At 35, I am highly-educated, but with below-average social skills, no job, and no spouse.
How did this happen?
3/n
Before diving in, this is more for me than you.
I'm addressing personality traits that have caused me difficulty.
This is an attempt to map them from their seedling stage in the hopes it'll help me, but also maybe help some of you.
Let's begin.
4/n https://twitter.com/TheCalmNCents/status/1346162197748178945
I'm addressing personality traits that have caused me difficulty.
This is an attempt to map them from their seedling stage in the hopes it'll help me, but also maybe help some of you.
Let's begin.
4/n https://twitter.com/TheCalmNCents/status/1346162197748178945
Young CnC grew up in a well-to-do neighbourhood.
I was raised below my means with hand-me-down clothes and attended a wealthy public school.
That's a difficult hand.
It's worse because I was also VERY smart.
5/n
I was raised below my means with hand-me-down clothes and attended a wealthy public school.
That's a difficult hand.
It's worse because I was also VERY smart.
5/n
I was blessed with very strong spatial reasoning, patterning, logic, and math skills.
At 5, I was doing long division.
At 6, double-digit multiplication.
I was the best K-6 math student in the school at age 8.
I also had a temper.
6/n
At 5, I was doing long division.
At 6, double-digit multiplication.
I was the best K-6 math student in the school at age 8.
I also had a temper.
6/n
I'd pick fights with kids.
Everything was a competition.
When I got older and was one of the smallest in my grade, I'd instigate with words/intellect instead.
By age 10 and through age 13, I was being bullied for my brain and my clothing.
I honestly thought I was poor.
7/n
Everything was a competition.
When I got older and was one of the smallest in my grade, I'd instigate with words/intellect instead.
By age 10 and through age 13, I was being bullied for my brain and my clothing.
I honestly thought I was poor.
7/n
Now, you can imagine what this does to a formative mind.
It goes inward, becoming
- withdrawn.
- introspective.
- focused on strengths.
- focused on damage done.
It becomes powerful, but negative.
8/n
It goes inward, becoming
- withdrawn.
- introspective.
- focused on strengths.
- focused on damage done.
It becomes powerful, but negative.
8/n
In high school, I was socially inept but was gifted in the ability to learn and regurgitate material in short order with little effort.
The problem was I HATED high school. I didn't get it.
Socially, it was painful, and it was heavily social.
9/n
The problem was I HATED high school. I didn't get it.
Socially, it was painful, and it was heavily social.
9/n
Instead of buckling down into my studies, I coasted.
I skipped classes and slacked off and did nothing.
I was the laziest A-/B+ student there.
10/n
I skipped classes and slacked off and did nothing.
I was the laziest A-/B+ student there.
10/n
So if you're keeping score, I graduated high school at 17.
Competitive introvert with a temper.
I had never dated.
I had a handful of friends.
I was afraid of social interaction.
I could coast academically.
I was entering college.
11/n
Competitive introvert with a temper.
I had never dated.
I had a handful of friends.
I was afraid of social interaction.
I could coast academically.
I was entering college.
11/n
I was in college for 5 years.
I graduated with a diploma and degree at 23.
4.0 GPA and still socially delayed.
As a competitive introvert, you see your friends surpassing you and your mind becomes nasty, wondering why the fuck YOU just can't figure this shit out.
12/n
I graduated with a diploma and degree at 23.
4.0 GPA and still socially delayed.
As a competitive introvert, you see your friends surpassing you and your mind becomes nasty, wondering why the fuck YOU just can't figure this shit out.
12/n
Through college, the negativity I developed early continues.
I become prone to outbursts, lashing out as a vent.
I always plan and expect the worst because, socially, that's what happened for years.
Now I attribute it to everything and everyone.
13/n
I become prone to outbursts, lashing out as a vent.
I always plan and expect the worst because, socially, that's what happened for years.
Now I attribute it to everything and everyone.
13/n
As I aged, my temper got worse, but I kept internalizing it.
My competitive nature got worse.
Luckily I was able to use it.
This is where I mention I have a 4th degree Black belt, used to teach martial arts, and competed in tournaments.
14/n
My competitive nature got worse.
Luckily I was able to use it.
This is where I mention I have a 4th degree Black belt, used to teach martial arts, and competed in tournaments.
14/n
Teaching was responsible for much of my social development through high school and into college.
I could instruct and persuade, which was beneficial in ways and a detriment in others.
But my saving grace was my first real job.
Manliness Twitter, you'll love this.
15/n
I could instruct and persuade, which was beneficial in ways and a detriment in others.
But my saving grace was my first real job.
Manliness Twitter, you'll love this.
15/n
At 17, I started working at a grocery store.
My department (Produce) was all male, with a charismatic manager.
2008-09, I was 23-24, working full-time hours with a team of 16-31 year old testosterone.
This is where CnC "figured it out", for better or worse.
16/n
My department (Produce) was all male, with a charismatic manager.
2008-09, I was 23-24, working full-time hours with a team of 16-31 year old testosterone.
This is where CnC "figured it out", for better or worse.
16/n
You will hear it stated that you are the product of the 5 people you are around the most.
At that time, the 5 people were:
- Another male karate instructor.
- My charismatic boss.
- 3 coworkers - all finance majors - all very good with women - all confidence/arrogance.
17/n
At that time, the 5 people were:
- Another male karate instructor.
- My charismatic boss.
- 3 coworkers - all finance majors - all very good with women - all confidence/arrogance.
17/n
I took their leads, being more social, trying approaches.
Some worked, some didn't.
I developed a confidence and charisma built on years of social ineptitude.
I never dealt with my issues (not being nice to myself & my temper).
My new confidence amplified them.
18/n
Some worked, some didn't.
I developed a confidence and charisma built on years of social ineptitude.
I never dealt with my issues (not being nice to myself & my temper).
My new confidence amplified them.
18/n
Weirdly, it didn't affect my dating life, until suddenly it did.
I really started dating at 22.
By 24, I was in my FIRST serious relationship.
At 27, I met my wife.
At 35, we split.
What happened?
19/n
I really started dating at 22.
By 24, I was in my FIRST serious relationship.
At 27, I met my wife.
At 35, we split.
What happened?
19/n
Despite having friends and a partner for the last 11 years, the voice in my head was the most influential.
Planning for the worst made me the prudent, analytical person I am.
But the bullying I endured, with the social throes of high school and college, did much damage.
20/n
Planning for the worst made me the prudent, analytical person I am.
But the bullying I endured, with the social throes of high school and college, did much damage.
20/n
- I always assumed the worst.
- I became overly hard on myself.
- I sought control over situations.
- I'd become anxious if I couldn't.
- I'd aggressively try to maintain that control.
- I'd catastrophize.
- I'd lash out verbally in arguments.
- I'd hurt people around me.
21/n
- I became overly hard on myself.
- I sought control over situations.
- I'd become anxious if I couldn't.
- I'd aggressively try to maintain that control.
- I'd catastrophize.
- I'd lash out verbally in arguments.
- I'd hurt people around me.
21/n
Being introspective is a positive trait if you know how to perform healthy self-analysis.
I didn't.
For someone adept at patterning from a young age, I missed everything.
I was too close to it.
22/n
I didn't.
For someone adept at patterning from a young age, I missed everything.
I was too close to it.
22/n
Living with your worst enemy - yourself - is not fun.
It follows you like a shadow behind your eyes.
It causes you pain that is very hard to combat.
I have been in pain for years.
23/n
It follows you like a shadow behind your eyes.
It causes you pain that is very hard to combat.
I have been in pain for years.
23/n
I also didn't put in the work fast enough to fix anything.
The intelligence at a young age and ability to learn/ regurgitate info?
I never developed a work ethic.
I coasted through my relationships and career, avoiding the flags, because I could.
Until I couldn't.
24/n
The intelligence at a young age and ability to learn/ regurgitate info?
I never developed a work ethic.
I coasted through my relationships and career, avoiding the flags, because I could.
Until I couldn't.
24/n
I couldn't save my job. I lost it.
I couldn't save my marriage. I lost that.
I can attribute that back to elementary school and those experiences for planting damaged seeds.
25/n
I couldn't save my marriage. I lost that.
I can attribute that back to elementary school and those experiences for planting damaged seeds.
25/n
Being socially-delayed also means I never had the wherewithal to develop some other key skills.
- I have difficulty keeping negative emotions off my face.
- It's hard for me to trust people to do something right.
- I don't relate well to people.
- I can't empathize.
26/n
- I have difficulty keeping negative emotions off my face.
- It's hard for me to trust people to do something right.
- I don't relate well to people.
- I can't empathize.
26/n
There's a lot of work ahead.
My mind is pitted with munition shells and the memories of the people and experiences my psychology has damaged.
Including myself.
It's a long road.
27/n
My mind is pitted with munition shells and the memories of the people and experiences my psychology has damaged.
Including myself.
It's a long road.
27/n
It'll be hard to rectify all of these, but I can start to work on some.
My only wish is I had started earlier.
I miss my wife. She was always my biggest supporter. She deserves better.
Doing this will hopefully lead me to a healthier existence, alone or not.
28/n
My only wish is I had started earlier.
I miss my wife. She was always my biggest supporter. She deserves better.
Doing this will hopefully lead me to a healthier existence, alone or not.
28/n
I appreciate you reading.
Sure, this was more for me and lets you see into my head, but maybe it'll give you or someone you know some insight as well if others are having similar troubles.
29/n
Sure, this was more for me and lets you see into my head, but maybe it'll give you or someone you know some insight as well if others are having similar troubles.
29/n
Last, remember this:
Health isn't just good food and lifting weights.
Healthy people admit their shortcomings and FIX them.
Healthy people become mentally healthy.
I am working towards healthy by lifting the weight of years of damage done.
@TheCalmNCents
30/30
Health isn't just good food and lifting weights.
Healthy people admit their shortcomings and FIX them.
Healthy people become mentally healthy.
I am working towards healthy by lifting the weight of years of damage done.
@TheCalmNCents
30/30
