So this is exciting. I was earlier today offered an,

"incredible investment opportunity within the field of portfolio management" In short he's trying to sell me some overpriced shares in some dubious companies but I thought it was worth stringing him along for a while

Thread

I replied,

"Thanks, stuck out here on Jura in the Inner Hebrides we don't see much in the way of this type of investment so I am very interested. I would be interested to invest my savings accumulated from my private gold mine. Can you advise?"

He was quick to respond,

"Our company has an established record in providing ethical, high return investments to individuals such as yourself. I will be happy to speak to you on the phone and discuss this, but my first question is, what amount did you have in mind to invest ?

I waited a while and wrote back,

"My savings are modest, the gold mine while productive takes time to work so I only have a small amount.

Around ₤12 million"

Suddenly the emails are from his boss, he needs to talk with me urgently. I bet he does. I have yet to respond.

I wrote back,

"Mr Wilson, I was speaking to your colleague Mr Palmer, is he ok? He had an interesting investment opportunity for me but now I see the emails are from you. Did he fall off a chair, damage his coccyx and is now unable to type (that happened to my Uncle Archie) ?

He was quick to respond,

"I am the senior broker here and I will be looking after you from this point on. I have extensive investment experience and suggest a call soonest" I wrote back

"Just to be clear no coccyx damage for Mr Palmer, I do so worry about chair related injury"

Another email (he's keen)

"Mr Palmer is fine. No injuries. When can we talk?" I just emailed my reply,

"Sorry I'm confused, did you want to discuss the investments or vestigial tail chair related injuries, or both?" I suggest a Skype call - my Grandson installed it for me"

He wants to discuss my investments. He has agreed to the Skype call and has just popped up on my list to be accepted as a contact. We have agreed to talk at 9am tomorrow, I said no later because.......... (drum roll)

"I feed the swans after that"

Just completed the Skype call with the 'investment broker'. As expected it's a classic 'boiler room' operation selling OTC stocks. I decided from the start to adopt a thick Highland accent which was difficult for him, I also had rigged up a recording of a siren which went off..

.. every few minutes. I said this was triggered by a swan escape causing me to pause the call. Of course he asked about the swans so I delivered a 15 speech on swan breeding, swan racing and swan healthcare while he tried to interrupt and get me back to stocks...

..and discussing my investment. He asked if I was interested in a "150% return on investment". I said no, I thought that was immoral and against the teachings of my Church. I said I would be only interested in something with a more modest return, that stumped him for a moment.

until he came up with,
"we can offer you that as well". I replied,

"Excellent, what do you have in swan related investment opportunities?"

"Swan related investments, what on earth are you talking about?" I said that swans were the principle interest in my life now the gold mine seam had ended and that I am using my money earned from it to breed the finest pack of racing swans in all of Scotland. He was speechless.

for a moment but quickly regained his composure,

"I think I saw that on Discovery Channel - you race them in Russia?

"Yes, Yes !" I said enthusiastically. That's where the big money is, the Russian circuit. We call it the....

Moscow Mille Miglia. It's quite the sight to see hundreds of pedigree swans coming out of the morning mist along the Volga. It moved me to tears the first time I saw it".

"OK" he said. Now about these investments I have in mind."

I don't think he was very happy when I said,

"what investments?" He sighed heavily and said,

"The investments this call is about"

"O yes that's right, sorry. Once I get talking about swans I lose track of other things. So is this like Amway or something ?"

He did get quite angry at this point and I heard is voice rise an octave,

"NO !... (long pause)......no, it's not like Amway, this is about investing in cutting edge technology companies."

"O well I'm not the right man then, I can't help you with advice on that" I said

He took his time, I could hear the heavy breathing as he composed himself. I think there may even have been a small prayer, he tried again,

"No sir, investments in technology companies, we buy shares for you and you reap the rewards."

"What rewards?"

Again a sizeable pause and with an audible intake of breath he said,

"You get rewards buy selling the shares at a higher prize than you paid for them."
"Is it guaranteed that the price will go up?" I said
"Well no, of course not but with our expert guidance we can help you"

I said, "I see so I could make quite a good living doing that, several thousand Pounds a month?

"O yes sir very easily"

"OK, so why do you make a living calling people like me when you could be doing that instead?"

His pause this time was the longest so far, so long I thought he has left the call but he gave it one more try and I applaud him for that,

"Well I'm a philanthropist, I just want to help people"

"A philanthropist ? What instrument do you play?"

He replied,

No, a philanthropist, it means I help people with their lives" I tutted loudly,

"No, you're wrong there, a philanthropist is a member of a philharmonic orchestra. Do you play the French horn, I love those?"

At that point he lost his temper,

"No I don't play the bloody French Horn, what sort of question is that?"

"A musical one" I said. "My swans like Mozart so it's often on my mind"