Just when I think I’m getting a handle on the tidal wave of grief I’ve been feeling since my disability has progressed and I’ve switched to being a full-time wheelchair user, my iPhone decides to send me a video montage of every photo I’ve ever taken on hikes with my friends.

Just another reminder that accessible trails DO matter. Because I see this video and it breaks me because I know there are so few chances for me to ever experience this particular joy again. And the wheelchair isn’t to blame here, inaccessibility is.

The timing of this is amazing. Less than 10 mins ago my husband had just finished consoling me because I had a breakdown about all of the things I can’t do now because everything is so inaccessible and I was feeling a bit better but then bam, hiking montage!

It’s hard to talk openly on the internet about my grief like this but as I cried to my husband tonight I told him how not being able to walk anymore is really challenging but I wouldn’t feel this level of grief if my community was built for me the same way it’s built for him.

My husband and my close friends are trying so hard all the time to make me feel like I’m not left out now that I’m a full-time wheelchair user but at the end of the day there is only so much they can do when we live in a city that keeps stacking up barriers to keep me out.

I have good days when I feel like I’m ready to take on the challenges ahead of me. But then there are days when I’m so sad that I have to experience the challenges of inaccessibility and ableism on top of everything else (like daily dislocations). It’s a lot to take in.

I want to thank everyone who is supportive and fighting for the rights of disabled people in your communities. Being disabled can be incredibly isolating and lonely when access needs aren’t met, so every thing you do to help move us closer to inclusivity is so important.

I know I haven’t been doing a lot lately with my Access YYT account & I’ve been turning down interviews even though they might help spread the word of how important it is to make these spaces accessible, but it’s just too hard. So I thank those of you who are speaking out.