• I’m Not Greedy Because I’m Bi, I’m Greedy Because I’m Hungry •

Common and Normalized Bimisic Beliefs & Phrases & Why You Need To Leave Them In 2020: a thread

If you’re bi, you’ve heard “you’re greedy” more than once. Let’s be honest, if we got paid 5¢ for every time we heard it, we’d all be able to pay of our debts with hundreds to spare

I wish I had words of wisdom to share; I wish I could say it gets easier, that you get numb to it

Sadly, that would be bullsht. Each time, it’s like someone punched you while ripping a bandaid off your armpit while pouring lemon juice into a paper cut.

Every little microaggression, every little joke that really isn’t a joke, every ridiculous & gross stereotype. It all hurts.

It hurts deep and also ignited a deep rage; which is why I’m going to delve into it all & explain the harm that people either ignore, gleefully perpetuate, or don’t even realize they’re spreading

Now sit back & relax while I educate the non-Bi folk!

- let’s start by explaining what it means to be bi -

There are as many definitions as there are bi people floating around out there.

I’ll list the two that are the most common & summarize what they mean.

The first is Attraction To Two Or More Genders

That means that the bi person using this definition can be sexually and/or romantically attracted to either any 2 genders (men & women, women & agender people, or any other combination of any 2 genders) or any number of genders.

Sometimes even all genders!

It doesn’t necessarily mean attraction solely to men and women, that is a common misconception!

Please remember that bi ppl that are attracted to all genders are still bi, if they want to /also/ use the label pan, that is okay. If they don’t & are only bi, that is just as okay!

Label definitions can overlap, that does not mean that one cancels the other; theres a clear distinction between the two that MUST be respected.

The next definition I see often is Attraction To My Own Gender & Other Genders

This can also mean attraction to any combination of genders or all genders. It’s sometimes to use this definition to avoid the confusion that the “Bi Means Two” crowd usually bring up.

Before I really start, I need all you non-bi people reading this to remember a few things:

1. If you don’t mean to be bimisic, don’t feel too bad. There’s many forms of bigotry that are normalized & deeply ingrained in society, so much so that it’s hard to discern what is and is bigoted.

Even I’m still unlearning many things!

2. Please don’t get defensive & lash out. I’ve been there & it only brought even more harm & delayed my education.

If you didn’t know, now you do. It’s up to you to absorb it calmly, just learn, and do better

3. It may just be a joke, random phrase, uncommon, or not that deep to you; but that’s just it. It isn’t any of those things to YOU. To us, it is all of that and so much more.

It directly harms us on a deep & personal level & can affect us mentally, emotionally, & physically.

Now, I am also asking you please not send me hate with this. I’m working with limited spoons as it is & my mental health is already bad. I won’t handle well any type of negativity in my mentions due to this.

Okay, here we go!

“Pick a side already!” / “You’ll choose if you’re gay or straight one day.”

Most monosexuals (periallocishet & not) believe we will one day choose a side; either Fully Gay or Straight.

No.

This isn’t chess! We aren’t picking between the white & black pawns! There are NO sides!

Surprise! We can’t actually choose our sexualities or romantic orientations like this phrase implies.

It also makes 0 sense in regards to multiple bi folk; polyam bi folk can end up being in committed relationships w multiple parents of multiple genders...

bigender Bi ppl can never actually “pick a side” because their genders fluctuate, bi ppl who are xenogender, bi folk who want to be single, & so many others!

Sorry to burst bubbles, but no matter which gender our partner is, we are still bi!

If you ever catch yourself saying or thinking this, even as a joke, just stop & realize the implications.

We can’t choose our sexuality any more than you can.

“I refuse to date a bi person because they may cheat on me.”

Our chances of cheating on our partner(s) are just the same as anyone else. Just because we are attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean that we’re going to actually be with every single person we come across!

Your chances of being cheated on are just the same if you were to date a straight, gay, lesbian, asexual, or other mspec person.

We don’t come with an Infidelity Guarantee!

If you can freely & securely date a monosexual without the fear they’ll cheat, you’re just bimisic.

“I want to date a bi person because they’ll be down for threesomes!” / “We want to invite a bi person into our relationship to make a triad.”

Conversely, dating someone specifically because they’re bi & you believe that means you’re about to have loads of threesomes is bimisic.

Not every bi person is willing to have threesomes; personally, that sounds like a lot of hard work

(The following is not to be confused with polyamory! Polyamory is having multiple sexual and/or romantic partners with everyone consenting to that.)

Unicorn Hunters, especially, are bimisic in the sense that they see the bi person (typically bi women) they are “hunting” for as someone they want to sexualize then dispose of when they’re through with their urges.

Unicorn Hunting is most often defined as monogamous couples, often a straight man/mspec woman, looking to spice up their relationships or to avoid one or both partners cheating.

They will go looking for a bi woman to satisfy both the mspec woman & the straight man that gets off on the fetishization of sapphic women, or look for the Bi man to sleep with the woman while her husband watched or vice versa.

The “Unicorns” are expected to be with both partners, usually at the same time, & respect the Couple stiles that the original Two set. Oftentimes, the couple will “break up” with the third to try and salvage the original relationship. Sometimes due to jealous or boredom.

The “third” in these triads are treated like an outsider whose sole purpose is to please the couple then leave when the deeds are done.

This, of course, leaves the Bi person to feel like a sexualized tool being used. This can be dehumanizing, is fetishizing, and harmful.

- Now, if a bi person refers to themselves as a Unicorn in a triad, asks to be part of a triad, or are already in a healthy triad, that doesn’t mean it is inherently bimisic!

This is only in regards to those monogamous couples who have fetishized the Third in a triad.

“You’re just confused.” / “This is just a phase.”

I’m confused about many things: trigonometry, affect vs, effect, sheet music.

I’ve had many phases: photography phase, ballet phase, Marvel fanatic phase.

However, I’m not confused about my bisexuality. This is not a Bi phase.

Bi people aren’t confused about our bi identities. We aren’t going through a phase that will fade in a year or two.

That’s not to say many of us weren’t confused before we discovered we were Bi. Thing is, I’m not anymore. Many of us aren’t confused anymore.

None of us deserve the belittlement & dismissiveness that comes with these phrases.

It’s repackaged homomisia that periallocishets have been throwing at everyone in both the Queer & LGBTQIAP+ communities.

If you ever find yourself repeating these phrases, remember that you sound exactly like those bigoted allocishets and erase them from your vocabulary.

“Bi is just a stepping stone for you to come out as gay/lesbian because it’s easier.” / “You’re just a straight wanting to be special.”

Let me preface this by saying there’s nothing wrong if you once identified as bi before learning you were lesbian, gay, Pan, straight, etc.

Finding yourself & the labels that work best for you, the labels that describe you perfectly, & bring you joy is a journey & it is completely okay to not be bi anymore!

Now, when people assume bi is just a label to use before coming out as “full lesbian/gay” because people “accept it more”, that completely erased bi people as a whole & minimizes our struggles.

We aren’t accepted easier, we’re fetishized or completely invalidated.

We face the highest rates of abuse & face bigotry from both periallocishets & non-bi Queer / LGBTQIAP+ people.

We’re seen as “too gay” to periallocishets and simultaneously “too straight” to really belong in the Queer / LGBTQIAP+ communities.

Bi women are fetishized & assumes to be the sexy, promiscuous, kinky people (yes, bi women can self identify as kinky, that doesn’t mean all are!) while bi men are so often invalidated, disrespected, and assumed to just be gay or gross and dirty (which is rooted in homomisia!)

Nonbinary Bi people are ALSO mistreated & erased because people love to erase and invalidate our genders as well as our bi identities.

We aren’t accepted easier, not even close.

Also, to accuse us of really being straight people wanting to be special is so invalidating.

Usually we’re accused of this because we’ve either been with only 1 person of 1 gender, haven’t been with anyone at all, or have a preference for one particular gender.

This can make those it is directed at feel like they’re never going to fit into their communities, it’s so incredibly harmful.

It shouldn’t matter who we’re attracted to, who we’ve shared a kiss or bed with, or how many; it’s nobody’s damn business.

So, to use this info as “proof” we’re faking being bi invalidated so many; all asexual, aromantic, single, young, celibate, etc. bi people.

There are so many ways to be bi & to say we have to be with x amount of people or be attracted to y AND z is extremely bimisic.

“That’s a lesbian/gay/straight relationship!”

Let me, once again, preface this by saying this is STRICTLY about labeling relationships with bi people in them as lesbian/gay/straight! Not about actual lesbians/gays/strangers in lesbian/gay/straight relationships

It’s erasure to label perceived WLW bi relationships as strictly lesbian relationships.

It’s erasure to label perceived MLM bi relationships as strictly gay relationships.

It’s erasure to label perceived M/W bi relationships as strictly straight relationships.

It is erasure on 2 levels; not only are people erasing our bi identities, but at times also our gender identities.

There’re many nonbinary bi people who’ve repeatedly been misgendered by these phrases because people assume we’re lesbian women or gay men.

Either by the way we look or by how our partners look.

Now, any relationship bi people are in, it’s automatically a bi relationship.

No matter which way we’re paired up, no matter our partner’s gender or perceived gender or their sexuality , no matter our own gender or perceived gender

No matter our partner’s sexuality or romantic orientation.

Any relationship a bi person is in, it’s a bi relationship.

Now, we can be in a lesbian/bi relationship when a bi person is in a relationship with a lesbian. That represents both identities without erasing either.

Same applies if our partner is any other sexuality or romantic orientation

It’s important to not erase the bi factor.

People like to latch on to what we are perceived to be when labeling our relationships as lesbian/gay/straight. In their need to push their own labels on us, they commit Bi erasure & misgender a large percentage of us.

“You have straight passing privilege.”

Erasure is NOT privilege
Being forced into the closet is NOT privilege

Monosexuals aren’t seen as privileged when they’re forced to closet themselves around certain people or when they’re assumed to be straight.

It’s common knowledge they’re being erased & invalidated. How can that logic suddenly become null & void when it’s us being erased?

We don’t have any semblance of privilege when we “pass” or have to pretend to be straight in various situations.

I hate to repeat myself but this is nothing more than invalidation & erasure, NOT A PRIVILEGE.

We have to judge our safety & figure out who we can correct & who we have to hide ourselves from. We have to constantly read the room & we know when people assume we’re not bi.

Personally, it feels absolutely shtty when people assume I’m anything but who I am.

Being bi is one of the biggest parts of my personality & to have that erased (which is exactly what “straight passing privilege” is) is so damn painful.

“Bi means two!” / “Bi is liking men & women only”

As I mentioned at the start, bi means attraction to 2 OR MORE gender.

Yes the prefix Bi means 2.

However, the Queer / LGBTQIAP+ label is more nuanced than that.

Words evolve, meanings change as time progresses.

Funnily enough, bi has never meant strictly attraction to 2 genders or solely men & women.

I don’t often like to reference the Bi Manifesto (a quick google search will lead you to it) but I’ll provide this quote:

“Don’t assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “2” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously w/ both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only 2 genders.” - Published on Anything That Moves Magazine; 1990

Nowhere does it state that we’re attracted solely to men & women or strictly two genders. It literally says the exact opposite!

Quit it with the pedantry you justify bimisia. We’ve been disputing & debunking this claim for thirty years now!

“Bi is transphobic.” / “Bi people don’t include trans people in their attraction.”

Misconceptions & outright lies run rampant against bi people; this is another.

When we say we’re attracted to more than two genders, we aren’t referring to cis men or cis women only!

We’re referring to men and women, yes; those men and women are trans and cis alike, okay! We are ALSO a referring to the endless number of nonbinary genders!

Nonbinary, agender, genderqueer, Demigender, bigender, genderfluid, pangender, xenogenders, and so many others!

It’s also worth mentioning that this belief that bi excludes trans people is not only rooted in bimisia but panmisia as well.

Panmisic people like to spread the lie that pan means attraction to men, women nonbinary people, trans men, & trans women.

It’s a lie meant to demonize pan people & accuse them of saying trans people aren’t really men or women while also giving ammo to bimisic people who use that incorrect definition as a way to accuse bi people of saying trans people aren’t really men or women.

It’s all one bigoted mess of misinformation & lies & I hate it with a burning passion.

“Bi girl cheating on her boyfriend with another woman is an awesome sapphic trope!”

This is one of the more annoying tropes out there.
In what world is cheating on your partner meant to be positive?

I mean, even if the character doing the cheating isn’t Bi or Queer.

/Maybe/ under specific circumstances it’s an okay thing but more often than not, it’s just bad all around.

This not only seems like cliche writing, it also directly feeds into the stereotype that all bi people are nothing but promiscuous & bound to cheat.

What makes it worse is that it’s spun as a positive because it’s Sapphic Love, but it ultimately relies on fetishization and sexualization.

This trope has so many damaging & harmful stereotypes packed together & spread by the masses.

I get so exhausted hearing about some Bi rep that ends up having a cheating trope; my exhaustion multiplies times one hundred when it’s a bi woman cheating on her boyfriend or husband to be with another woman.

Like, we get it, you’re a lazy writer that wants to see girl on girl stuff but ALSO wants to check mark Queer Rep on your Diversity Bingo to avoid backlash so you fall back on the tired, fetishized stereotype.

“You’re just greedy!”

Like the title of this piece: I’m not greedy because I’m bi, I’m greedy because I’m hungry. I will sure as hell not want to share my favorite food because I’m hungry & got enough on my plate to fill my tummy perfectly!

As for being a greedy bisexual? WHAT does that even MEAN?!

I mean, stop and think about it. We’re said to be greedy for..being attracted to multiple people?

We aren’t going and eating them all like we eat all our favorite foods. (Sexual innuendo partially intended)

We’re just attracted to multiple people!

We’re the exact same as any monosexual who’s attracted to multiple people, but they aren’t labeled as greedy, are they?

Of course not, because that would just be nonsensical! (Sarcasm heavily intended)

Let’s try & use some logic:

Take away the genders for this, look only at everyone we’re attracted to as just people. It doesn’t matter, right now, if they’re women, men, agender, nonbinary; just people.

What’s the limit?

How many people are any of us, bi & non-bi alike, allowed to be attracted to before it becomes greed? Are we allowed to only find 5 people attractive in our lifetime? 6? 2?

See how it just stops making sense when you take away the factor that is different genders?

Do you see how the logic that is the foundation for that phrase just crumbles? That’s because this phrase is rooted in bimisia and ultimately just bullsht! Stop saying it!

That’s the end for this.

There’s so many other forms of normalized bimisia that I know I missed but these are what I can offer right now.

In the future I will do my best to educate further.

I hope those reading this and sticking around the get to the end learned something through all of this. That’s my ultimate goal. To make some change.

If you found that you’ve been repeating or believing in these phrases above, I hope this helps you realize you need to better your language and beliefs to make yourself a better ally to bi people.

Bi people want nothing more than to be accepted without any bigotry or malice directed at us, especially by those in the communities we belong to.

Your listening to us and taking to heart what we say and showing that you’ve learned are vital to that acceptance.

If you hear these phrases being repeated, please don’t wait for a bi person to educate those ignorant people. Help us and do some of the work for us, ease some of our burden so we don’t feel so alone.

Writing and compiling all of this was quite a bit of hard work; battling brain fog is a btch.

If you’d like to tip me, here is a link. https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/QueerHercules?locale.x=en_US

In regards to overlapping labels:

Bi people can also be aroace as well! There are more forms of attraction than just romantic and sexual!

I’m sorry I didn’t make this clear further up in the thread; it’s come to my attention now.