"Why is grooming such a problem?" is something I hear more and more often. To understand why groomers become an ever bigger problem, one needs to understand what kind of people they target and why.

Groomers thrive with social isolation. The "ideal" grooming target is a person who has no friends and no family, nobody they're close to, nobody who they can turn to when they have a problem.

A groomer will pretend to become that person, the sole contact for someone.

"But Mommy-san, you always offer to help people - does that make you a groomer?"

No, the important difference between a groomer and someone trying to help is whether or not they encourage a healthy social life, or social exclusion.

Someone trying to help will say things like "You should talk to your family more often" or "You can also tell your friends if you have a problem". They encourage a person to build a strong social net instead of portraying themselves as "The only one who will understand them".

On the contrary, a groomer will try to further socially isolate a person. They will suggest that only the groomer can understand them, or that others would react hostile towards the person if they opened up to them.

This social exclusion then turns into a downwards spiral: The person becomes distrusting of others and avoids contact. Due to a lack of contact, they become more socially isolated, which forces them to rely even more on the groomer, who then further plants distrust in others.

In order to seed distrust, a groomer will often implant the idea that the individual is somehow unique and different, and that others "would not understand" them.

This "uniqueness" doesn't need to be attached to any real trait - it can simply be imagined.

Think about all the people with self-diagnosed mental illnesses, it is the same thing. "I can tell that you suffer from _____, but that's okay, I understand you and I can help you. Don't talk to others about it, they would think you're insane and will try to ruin your life."

So how can this be counteracted?

First of all, let's have a look at it from the perspective of someone who may be the target of grooming.

If you suspect that someone might be grooming you, ask yourself the following questions:

- Does that person suggest I should not talk to friends and family when I have something on my mind?
- Does that person claim to be the only one who understands you?

- Have you ever felt like that person is the only person who truely understands you?
- Does that person try to convince you that you have some inherent trait that you were not aware of previously and that would cause others to treat you differently if they knew?

- Has that person ever suggested you to cut contact with someone?
- Has that person told you not to tell other people you are in contact with that person?
- Has that person ever asked you to do something you did not feel comfortable with?

- Has that person ever withdrawn (or threatened to withdraw) contact with you as a punishment for not doing what they asked you to do?
- Has that person ever punished you in other ways for not doing what they asked you to do?

Answering "Yes" to a question doesn't necessarily mean someone is a groomer (after all, there are for instance legitimate reasons to suggest someone to cut contact with someone else), but it could be an indicator.

If you suspect that someone is trying to groom you, don't try to bury that feeling and instead speak to someone about it, someone you feel you can trust. Your family, friends, teacher, school counselor, doctor, neighbor, sports trainer - anyone you feel is trustworthy.

If your suspicions are wrong and that person really just tried to help you, that's perfectly fine. It's good that you listened to your gut feeling.

But if you were right, that may be the only way to get out of a situation that could end in a nightmare.

As a parent or person in a position to suspect a child may be subject to grooming, it is important to realize it's not as easy as asking "Are you being groomed?", because a child may not even know themselves.

Instead, recognize a child's social situation and ask yourself if they are integrated into the social fabric of their surroundings:

- Do they have friends they're close with? (Friends they spend a lot of time with, friends they sometimes bring over, etc.)

- Does the child perform any group activities? (Sports, etc.)
- Does the child spend time with their family?
- Does the child speak with their family about their problems?
- Does the child speak about the people they speak to online? ("My friend whom I play games with said...")

If the answer to most of these questions is "No", then the child may be at a higher risk of grooming, and it would be advisable to rectify their social situation as quickly as possible.

And please, do not assume everyone they talk to online is a threat to them.

If you speak to your child and insinuate that the guy they've played Minecraft with for years now is a "threat" to them, the child will stop talking to you out of fear of their friends being taken away from them.

Instead, ensure that a child has a strong integration into their surrounding social fabric, to make it as difficult as possible for groomers to approach them.