I want to talk about the complexities of a changing body in eating disorder recovery, and treading the lines between thin privilege and fatphobia.

I've known a lot of weight-suppressed folks who, at different points, have shown up in thin and fat bodies. Who haven't known how to navigate conversations around privilege because the times they've possessed thin privilege coincided with being deep in their eating disorders.

I am one of those people. I used to be incredibly active in body positive/fat acceptance circles as a small fat. The last time I bottomed out in my eating disorder? I lost a lot of weight, and quietly exited those circles, because I didn't know how to exist in them anymore.

I think this highlights a certain complexity in fat identity. When our bodies are weight cycling, how do we name our experiences? If we know that our healthy, non-disordered body is a fat one, but it isn't always the body we occupy, how do we talk about our experiences?

I've had to play musical chairs in fat circles, because depending on the timeframe in which someone knew me and how many photos I posted online, they either knew me as a small fat or a thin person. I can't even explain how confusing that is.

The difficulty is that when fat folks with EDs need the *most* support, some of them feel they have to back away from those communities, either because they're engaging in ED behaviors or because their bodies are literally changing.

It is 100% true that fat folks deserve to have safe spaces with other fat folks. Full stop.

And, I truthfully never know if I belong in those spaces because I haven't always been fat, and can't guarantee I always will be, because of weight cycling due to my eating disorder.

I have watched advocates that I deeply love and respect clumsily navigate these lines, backing in and out of visibility, hyperaware of how the space they occupy at any given moment has ramifications in and outside of community.

It raises questions: Is being weight-suppressed the same as being thin? Is it truly thin privilege if it's because of an illness and a temporary state? Where are the boundaries around fat identity? When can you claim it and when can't you, and how much does context inform this?

If we're talking about thin privilege as a way of moving through the world, does context matter? Does the entry point matter? Does weight cycling matter?

I actually don't have any of the answers to this.

I just know a lot of fat folks, or formerly fat folks, who are straddling this line. Very aware of their shifting privileges in the world, but still grieving the loss of community because they didn't know how to explain what was happening to them.

Most folks only remember the photos I posted before going into treatment for my ED. That isn't my body anymore. It may never be again. But I don't know yet how to be in this new body, nor do I understand what it means while in lockdown, absent any real interactions in the world.

If nothing else, I just want to remind fat folks, formerly fat folks, and weight-suppressed folks that it is OKAY to talk about your eating disorder, it is OKAY to reach out to your community for help, and it is NOT a betrayal to fat acceptance if you are struggling with your ED.

You don't have to slip out quietly through the backdoor the moment you're having a hard time with your eating disorder. Ask for support, respect the boundaries that other fat folks set with you, but please, please don't disappear just because your body is changing.

And it's okay to not know where you belong. It's okay to not have a clear answer for how to describe your body. You aren't the only one, I can promise you that much.