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So one of the metaphors I used a lot in therapy when I was seeing clients regularly was that of a house with a yard & a fence. It was an expansion of a metaphor used in the book, Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend.
The metaphor was to help people understand levels of relationship.
The metaphor was to help people understand levels of relationship.
The first level was the people you want on the outside of your fence. Strangers. Your interactions with them may run the gamut of basic kindness to avoidance to apathy.
IRL: This could be people you meet in public like your grocery clerk or a fellow shopper.
IRL: This could be people you meet in public like your grocery clerk or a fellow shopper.
Next is the yard. These are people who maybe you know by name or face. People you have friendly conversations with but don’t really know.
IRL: Maybe a coworker you only kind of know or someone you see regularly in a specific role like a barista.
IRL: Maybe a coworker you only kind of know or someone you see regularly in a specific role like a barista.
Then you have people you let into your house. They get to use the clean downstairs bathroom and generally stay in the front rooms. They are a guest in your home, but you wouldn’t want them there unsupervised.
IRL: These are acquaintances. Friends of friends. Maybe your boss.
IRL: These are acquaintances. Friends of friends. Maybe your boss.
Next you have the people who know where you keep the water cups and how the remote works. They can use the upstairs bathroom in a pinch.
IRL: These are probably friends and family.
IRL: These are probably friends and family.
Finally, you have the people who are allowed in your bedroom; the ones who get to see what’s in your closet, what posters are on your walls & if you make your bed. These people get to enter your safest, most comfortable space.
IRL: These are your closest relationships.
IRL: These are your closest relationships.
Here’s the thing though:
People don’t have to stay at a certain level.
Some people get to move further in. They build trust, you share experiences, and they become loved ones.
People don’t have to stay at a certain level.
Some people get to move further in. They build trust, you share experiences, and they become loved ones.
Some people, though, move further out. If you had someone come into your house and absolutely destroy your property, you’d think twice before letting them in again, right? Just because someone has had access to you doesn’t mean they get to keep it.
It’s also weird to just walk someone from outside the fence right into your bedroom and show them the N’SYNC poster you’ve had since you were 10 or read them your diary. Your barista may know your drink order, but they don’t need to know your deepest secrets, do they?
This was all to help clients recognize this simple (though not easy) truth:
Boundaries are good.
They help both you & the people with whom you’re in relationship know what is/isn’t good & loving. Boundaries keep us safe & allow us good, healthy intimacy.
Boundaries are good.
Boundaries are good.
They help both you & the people with whom you’re in relationship know what is/isn’t good & loving. Boundaries keep us safe & allow us good, healthy intimacy.
Boundaries are good.
And if you made it this far, funny anecdote:
I once had a client say, “And then you have people like plumbers who are allowed to go wherever they need to deal with your crap. That’s like a therapist!”
I once had a client say, “And then you have people like plumbers who are allowed to go wherever they need to deal with your crap. That’s like a therapist!”
