Read on Twitter
Parents do this thing where they think that they know what's best for their kid, better than the child themselves does.
And 99% of the time (if not more), they're right
It's just that tricky 1%, where they're wrong, that has massive negative developmental consequences.
And 99% of the time (if not more), they're right
It's just that tricky 1%, where they're wrong, that has massive negative developmental consequences.
A parent invalidating you, because they know best, is damaging. It denies you your experience, because you're just a dumb fucking kid so clearly you can't be right, that would defy the natural order.
So you learn that you're *not* right.
You learn that even though you're feeling upset, or hurt, or angry, or embarrased, or whatever, that *you* are not the authority on this, so it's best to ignore it.
You learn that even though you're feeling upset, or hurt, or angry, or embarrased, or whatever, that *you* are not the authority on this, so it's best to ignore it.
From hence, you can propagate to your own children, and we get the normalization of harmful behaviors.
"He's mad now, but in 20 years he'll see that I was right all along."
"My parents did this to me, and I came out fine."
And so the wheel turns. https://twitter.com/CatsterQed/status/1312514440038739968
"He's mad now, but in 20 years he'll see that I was right all along."
"My parents did this to me, and I came out fine."
And so the wheel turns. https://twitter.com/CatsterQed/status/1312514440038739968
When I was a kid, I wasn't dumb. I knew that my parents had their reasons. I just wasn't cynical enough to know that they were stupid fucking reasons and they were being stupid fucking morons about it.
Now that I can see how the sleight of hand works it's infuriating.
Now that I can see how the sleight of hand works it's infuriating.
The fatal flaw is that parents do not model in that 1% uncertainty that "maybe I am wrong," because by and large people are terrible at assuming they're anything less than 100% accurate. And NO ONE IS.
epistemic status: 90% confident
Most people aren't generally able to function in the presence of uncertainty, so they simply assert that "this is how the world works!" and refuse to acknowledge that uncertainty at all, until something forces them to update.
Most people aren't generally able to function in the presence of uncertainty, so they simply assert that "this is how the world works!" and refuse to acknowledge that uncertainty at all, until something forces them to update.
So we do this to each other all the time, like the world's lamest pokemon.
"My worldview! My worldview!"
"No MY worldview. Myworld VIEW."
"View world world viewww...."
"My worldview! My worldview!"
"No MY worldview. Myworld VIEW."
"View world world viewww...."
But when parents do it to their children... guess what, they DO practically have Absolute Power over the child's reality. They have an incredible degree of world-shaping-no-jutsu, can control what they do see and experience.
To an infant a parent is a literal god.
To an infant a parent is a literal god.
A parent *does* know better than an infant 100% of the time. So they get used to that idea.
The problem is, kids grow. Over time that %-correct where the parent knows the child better than the child themselves gets smaller. But it happens slowly enough that parents don't notice.
The problem is, kids grow. Over time that %-correct where the parent knows the child better than the child themselves gets smaller. But it happens slowly enough that parents don't notice.
By teenage years, parents have at best a 50% hit-rate.
(Remember that this is knowing what's in the child's best interests *according to the child*, including "you'll thank me in ten years")
So we get teenage rebellion.
(Remember that this is knowing what's in the child's best interests *according to the child*, including "you'll thank me in ten years")
So we get teenage rebellion.
And yeah teens are still *stupid*. They don't have the experience to have much in the way of wisdom.
But they do have opinions, and taste, and morals. They're otherwise newly-hatched adults, and more complex as a result.
But they do have opinions, and taste, and morals. They're otherwise newly-hatched adults, and more complex as a result.
Parents at this stage are still operating with (generously) a 95% confidence level! They're horribly misaligned to the reality.
So to no surprise, teens will say "my parents are so stupid" and frankly they're not wrong (even though teens are by and large also stupid)
So to no surprise, teens will say "my parents are so stupid" and frankly they're not wrong (even though teens are by and large also stupid)
Somewhere in between the parents are actually at a 95% hit rate (say in the 8-12 range idfk), so they're going to be doing things "for your own good" that are flat-out WRONG maybe once a month.
to summarize
- don't assume you're 100% correct about *anything* you goddamn morons
- remember that, though smol, **children are human beings**, so give that some respect
- be extremely careful with anything that gives you license to ignore complaints ("I'm doing this for you!")
- don't assume you're 100% correct about *anything* you goddamn morons
- remember that, though smol, **children are human beings**, so give that some respect
- be extremely careful with anything that gives you license to ignore complaints ("I'm doing this for you!")
Here I'm going to just QT relevant shit as I find it
Like, maybe if you do this too much, and your kids catch wise, they might be a tad cross? (I know I am) https://twitter.com/rhododaktulos/status/1343823730456182784
Like, maybe if you do this too much, and your kids catch wise, they might be a tad cross? (I know I am) https://twitter.com/rhododaktulos/status/1343823730456182784
This is double-applicable when the child is neurodivergent
When your child sees the world entirely differently than you do, because they have different cognitive mechanisms, you're going to need to meet them where they *are* at least somewhat https://twitter.com/Veeren_Jubbal/status/1345828663716159491
When your child sees the world entirely differently than you do, because they have different cognitive mechanisms, you're going to need to meet them where they *are* at least somewhat https://twitter.com/Veeren_Jubbal/status/1345828663716159491
I said as much earlier today hey ho hum dum https://twitter.com/CountJ0ecool/status/1345813696363290629
This is an excellent point on the difference between Play and Pain
A puzzle can be fun to solve, but only in a Play context. If you're trying to do something else, if your reward is extrinsic, it is just a Task that you don't know how to do. https://twitter.com/Aella_Girl/status/1345900692553125888
A puzzle can be fun to solve, but only in a Play context. If you're trying to do something else, if your reward is extrinsic, it is just a Task that you don't know how to do. https://twitter.com/Aella_Girl/status/1345900692553125888
This is taken from an extremely intelligent thread that I encourage you to read, because it goes more in depth on How To Do Better than my venting here does https://twitter.com/LeeFlower/status/1345829706705367041
This is the key.
Remember that other people have coherent worldviews. If something seems irrational/wrong/an overreaction *to you*, consider the counterfactual situations where it is a reasonable response *to them*. https://twitter.com/LeeFlower/status/1345838370673610752
Remember that other people have coherent worldviews. If something seems irrational/wrong/an overreaction *to you*, consider the counterfactual situations where it is a reasonable response *to them*. https://twitter.com/LeeFlower/status/1345838370673610752
They can still be wrong, by the way. It can still be an overreaction, but by seeing things from their perspective, you can actually help the other person realize that, using *their* logic to help them reach a conclusion, not forcing your logic onto them.
Seriously it's a really good thread just go read it. https://twitter.com/LeeFlower/status/1345866414935187465
