MDZS characters as B*th and B*dy W*rks products, a thread by a person who gets paid to know what all of these things smell like

WEI WUXIAN: Champagne Toast
Extremely complicated; its top notes are “Champagne and Tangerine; middle notes are Nectarine, Passionfruit, Black Currant and Hibiscus; base notes are Sugar, Plum Tree, Vanilla and Musk.” Basically, alcohol and a bunch of other things. (cont)

(cont) Comes in a billion different package styles. Every time the packaging changes, customers freak out and think it might smell different, too. It never does. Demonic cultivation is the only way to explain how my store never sells out of the stuff despite its popularity.

LAN WANGJI: You’re the One

My girlfriend told me to write this because You’re the One smells like mom perfume and, “I want Hanguang-Jun to smell like a milf.”

LAN WANGJI, ALTERNATE: Sensual Amber
Horny. Lotus, sandalwood, and amber. This one was a gimme.

JIANG CHENG: Black Cherry Merlot

Dark cherry, black raspberry & merlot. A polarizing smell. Those who love it, love it. Those who hate it hate it with passion. 1 spray of this motherfucker and I feel like I’ve been struck with zidian and not in a good way. A bestseller, somehow.

WEN NING: Sweet Pea

If you like sweet pea, you are aged 8-14 and sweet pea is your “signature scent.” Or, you’re WN religiously spraying sweet pea mist over the recently risen dead, come on Wei-gongzi, this is totally necessary, burial mounds doesnt need to smell like rot

WEN QING: Forever Red
Pomegranate, peony, vanilla rum & oak wood. I spray it on myself every time I work because it covers up the smell of everything I hate in the store. Reliable. She heals me. Every time someone sprays some champagne toast in my direction I run to her.

NIE HUAISANG: Japanese Cherry Blossom
This bitch CARRIES B&BW. JCB will always be there. She seldom has a flashy display, or a big marketing push, but my god, she will ALWAYS be the one pulling the weight of the entire company. (cont)

(cont) You walk into the store and see her in her understated little display shelf amongst the other smells, quietly hiding her status as the forever best seller. If JCB dies, the whole company will go down with it. Mark my words

NIE MINGJUE: Mahogany Teakwood
The only smell I’ve ever seen that comes in a high intensity version. At first, it hits you with a powerful, old spice kind of smell that then morphs into a lovely lavender, much like Da-ge’s tough exterior and mushy, emotional interior.

JIN GUANGYAO: Frosted Coconut Snowball
“frosted coconut, North Pole vanilla, winter freesia, snow-kissed woods & spun sugar.” A summer fragrance disguised as a winter seasonal scent. Literally this is what get sold in the summertime except with winter-themed packaging (cont)

(cont) It reeks of manipulation. It daringly stands amongst the peppermint candy canes, the fresh balsams, the vanilla bean noels of the world and says “fuck around and find out.” I respect the hustle. It has saved me from customer fights on multiple occasions.

JIN GUANGYAO, ALTERNATIVE: Cherry Blossom

Cherry Blossom wanted the death grip Japanese Cherry Blossom has on the company. It failed. It’s a retired scent now. Nice effort tho, jiggy.

LAN XICHEN: Eucalyptus Spearmint

The queen of the aromatherapy stress relief section. Honestly one of my favourite smells in the store. It isn’t overpowering, and true to its marketing, makes you feel better as soon as you smell it. (cont)

(cont) Is ready to play the guqin for you at any moment in order to stave off qi deviation. I have a very vivid image of lxc blasting his pillow with the pillow mist before crying into it. Seclusion is tough, y’all.

this is halfway through and i'll add the rest later

JIANG YANLI: Fresh Cut Lilacs

Fresh and good. Will not give you a headache. Underrated and understated. Deserves better. I try to direct people to this smell with little success.

JIN LING: Warm Vanilla Sugar

Like Sweet Pea, you only like this if you are between the ages of 8 and 14. But you aren’t like other girls! Excruciating to be around. I just KNOW Jin Ling loads up on this stuff before conferences in a desperate attempt to assert dominance.

LAN SIZHUI: Rose Water and Ivy

The real queen of bath and body works smells. Can do no wrong. Present, but not overpowering. I would die for Rose Water and Ivy. I suspect Rose Water and Ivy would die for me, too.

LAN JINGYI: specifically a ridiculous pocketbac holder with flannel hand sanitizer

Chaotic exterior holding a surprisingly mellow mix of “crisp autumn air, heirloom mahogany & cedarwood.” While the holder looks ridiculous, it serves a super valuable purpose and ends up (cont)

(cont) being more useful than 90% of the other products. Flannel is one of those smells that’s chill enough to vibe with Lan elders, yet there is a bit of sweetness. It makes me think of how ljy is seen as the “most un-Lan Lan” but when you really get into it, he is SO Lan.

OUYANG ZIZHEN: Kitchen Lemon Handsoap
Trustworthy. Just happy to be included in the collection. People will buy this stuff by the armload. Someone once told me it reminds them of their grandmother’s kitchen. We Stan a sentimental king

JIN ZIXUAN: In The Stars

Flashy packaging. I’ve smelled this 100 times and I still don’t know what it smell like. It’s okay tho? It’s a “sparkling blend of starflower, sandalwood musk, sugared tangelo, white agarwood & radiant amber.” I don’t know what that means. (cont)

A customer once told me it smells like a Gucci perfume, and I was like, Gucci has perfume?? Perhaps this is a rich person thing. Comes in a 50 mL 42 dollar mini bottle, which personally offends me. The 236mL bottle is right there and costs 15 dollars.

XUE YANG: Marshmallow Pumpkin Latte

Fuck this smell in particular. This scent should be illegal. It has attempted to kill me multiple times. It is so sweet that it gives you a headache on impact. Every customer who likes this smell is my enemy. I can’t even look at this one.

XIAO XINGCHEN: Bergamot Waters

A beautiful, gentle, fresh smell that unfortunately can only be smelled if you like, shove your face into it. It tries its best. The shattered soul in a qiankun pouch of bath and body works.

SONG LAN- Noir

The website description says “Add an air of mystery with this exotic blend of black cardamom, smoky vanilla & a hint of musk.” It’s just axe body spray for dudes who wanna seem mysterious and fancy. Lacks substance but always is there in the right moment…(cont)

(cont) like when a dude in cargo pants rolls in and demands you find a smell that “isn’t girly.” It exists as a convenient plot device in my working life but has little personality otherwise. Kind of like how I feel about Song Lan.

A-QING: Wild Honeysuckle
Smells like wildflowers punching you in the face repeatedly. Stays strong for hours. Some claim it is delicate, while other claim otherwise. “Has a bit of a bite to it,” according to an online reviewer. The perfect smell to haunt XY's ass for years

LAN QIREN- Zen Garden

Seems like something that would be a totally mellow scent but has an unexpected sharpness to it. Outward appearance and reputation for being chill but, internally, is so stressed (and with good reason).

SU SHE: Dahlia

No one likes Dahlia. It looks lovely, sounds lovely, but something is just…off about the smell. Every so often a customer walks up to me holding a Dahlia perfume and asks “hey is this a good gift for my wife?” and I just shake my head sadly

JIANG FENGMIAN: Cucumber Melon

Smells like salad. No substance. Retired fragrance, much like JFM.

YU ZIYUAN: Into the Night

A real scary-middle-aged-woman smell. Customers who buy this are extremely intense. The perfume sells out so fast. I’ve seen men quiver in fear when I alert them that this smell isn’t in stock in whatever product their wife wants.

JIN GUANGSHAN: literally any car fragrance but specifically sugared snickerdoodle because it made me nauseous just seeing this shit on the website.
FUCK the car fragrances. These things are so strong and they refuse to stay in their packaging. (cont)

When people bring these up to the cash register my fingers get covered in the nasty oil and I smell like whatever nasty scent they chose for hours. disgusting. If I got into a car and someone had one of these snickerdoodle things in id vomit in their car on purpose

JIN ZIXUN: Another car fragrance, specifically Leaves because I hate it when they name shit like "leaves" and don't tell you wtf that means. If I recall correctly it's apple or something like that

fuck car fragrances fr

MO XUANYU: Dangling Gems Candle Pedestal

Usually arrives damaged. Excessive, like our king mxy’s wet n wild brand makeup.

QIN SU: Rose + Lavender

Website says "Rose oil promotes feelings of comfort and connection." Connection between siblings!

But fr it's very lovely and nice and deserves better

SECT LEADER YAO: Graphite 3-in-1

offends me personally. it's supposed to smell like leather which like. what the FUCK does that mean. 3-in-1 wash...you ask for this in my store and i will just spray you with hand sanitizer like you're a misbehaving cat

LIL APPLE: Country Apple

self explanatory

WEN ZHULIU: Steel

go king! give us nothing!

(it's bergamot, "crushed woods" [idk], and tonka bean)

WANG LINGJIAO: A Thousand Christmas Wishes

exclusively because when this came out i asked my manager what it smells like and he said "a mistake. now go pretend it's your favourite thing in the world." It's prosecco, elderberries, and jasmine. And sugared woods, apparently?

WEN CHAO: Black Tie

people buy this because it smells like "a man has been there." i dont understand the appeal but maybe that's because im a lesbian. the only way i can describe it is fuckboy smell, specifically a fuckboy who is moments away from overpaying for weed

WEN RUOHAN: one of the ridiculous halloween candle holders

people will pay big money for these silly edgy things that...display their candles? a very wealthy goth kinda purchase. i can see them being cute but the candle inside this one is making me yell

MIANMIAN: Fresh Balsam

Smells like a pine tree! Fresh and calming. Actually smells like what it is supposed to smell like, unlike other combinations that end up smelling artificial or a mess. I'm so proud of her

TORTOISE OF SLAUGHTER: this pocketbac hand sanitizer holder

:)