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THREAD: On relationships with adult children. There are so many parts of the parenting experience that are sugar-coated in the popular imagination. Pregnancy is supposed to be blissful. Having a newborn is supposed to be transporting. 1/
And parenting small children is supposed to be full of love and hilarity. I’ve spoken with women who were really shocked at how miserable it can be to be pregnant, how grueling it is to have a newborn, and how tedious it can be to parent young kids. 2/
But at least there are some places where you can talk about how difficult the early years can be. Things get harder in the teen years. Parenting an adolescent is always challenging, but if our teen is struggling or troubled, we can feel isolated... 3/
cut off from the other parents whose kids are seemingly thriving. There are fewer opportunities for parents of struggling teens to connect, but there are some. Parents of struggling teens often find others in a similar situation and get support in this way. 4/
The loneliest road seems to me to be parents who have difficult or strained relationships with adult children. And it’s more common than you might think. As a therapist, I am struck by the number of parents who have strained relationships with their adult children. 5/
There are many reasons. A difficult divorce can set the stage for tensions and resentments decades later, creating a situation in which we feel that we are walking on eggshells with this adult child. She may marry someone we see as emotionally manipulative and controlling... 6/
and we have no choice but to stand back as the spouse attempts to weaken our child’s connection to us.
We might discover that we don’t particularly like our adult child. Perhaps he has different values than we do, and we find we don’t have much respect for his choices. 7/
We might discover that we don’t particularly like our adult child. Perhaps he has different values than we do, and we find we don’t have much respect for his choices. 7/
Benjamin Franklin and his son William had been close their whole lives until the eve of the American revolution. William was the royal governor of New Jersey and staunchly loyal to the crown. He became one of his father’s most outspoken critics. The two were never reconciled. 8/
“Nothing has ever hurt me so much and affected me with such keen Sensations,” Benjamin wrote, referring to what he perceived as his son’s betrayal.
There are darker scenarios – adult children lost to drugs, cults, or acute mental illness. 9/
There are darker scenarios – adult children lost to drugs, cults, or acute mental illness. 9/
Adult children who estrange themselves from us for reasons we may find baffling. What most of these parents have in common is that they feel alone with their grief, anger, or disappointment. They often feel as if they are the only ones closed off from... 10/
the “normal” experience they believe everyone else is having because this topic is rarely discussed.
It seems to me that there is an issue to be explored here having to do with expectations. When we have children, what do we think we are signing on for? 11/
It seems to me that there is an issue to be explored here having to do with expectations. When we have children, what do we think we are signing on for? 11/
Most of us don’t think about it consciously, but I imagine there are hopes of close relationships with adult children who visit us each holiday and welcome our help when they have children, who call us several times per week and will take care of us in our senescence. 12/
Respect for aging parents has traditionally been a value in many cultures, but this may be less true today. It may be that we need to rethink what we can expect from our relationships with our adult children. 13/
Perhaps as our children prepare to leave home, we ought to shift our focus back to ourselves and see our regained freedom as an opportunity to invest in interests and goals that are all our own. 14/
That way, we may find ourselves less disappointed if our relationship with our adult child doesn’t fit some ideal. And if we are lucky and it does, we will have a richer life to share with her. /fin
