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For every like this tweet gets I will tell you one of my favourite films that doesn’t exist.
Kicking Off in Paris (1970) - James Bolams pub football team get caught up in revolutionary fervour, heady romance and existential discussions about penalty kicks when they embark on a tour of France. Sterling support from Ronald Pickup, Michael Crawford and Catherine Deneuve.
Admin (1986) Rik Mayall stars in Kafkaesque drama about a man who turns every moment of his life into a piece of official documentation. Trouble comes knocking though when he falls for Jobcentre officer Clare Grogan.
Trampires (1948) Donald Pleasance and Maurice Denham are a couple of gentlemen of the road with a terrible bloodthirsty secret.
The Dancers on the Wall (1964) Heartbreaking drama starring Arthur Lowe as an illusionist and magician rendered obsolete by cinema. Nanette Newman and Juliet Mills play his devoted, remaining fans...
The Forgotten Colour (1998) Steve Buscemi’s an unappreciated painter in 1930s New York. A chance encounter with Lorraine Bracco’s femme fatale leads to the discovery of a brand new colour. But fame comes at a terrible price.
Christmas on the Cross. (2003) David Morse plays a well meaning alien who ends up nailing himself to a cross in Times Square on Christmas Eve.
Count Everest (1992) - when Michael Keaton discovers an ancient manuscript apparently bequeathing ownership to him of the tallest mountain in the world, things seem to look up for him. But trouble arrives in the form of Ben Kingsleys angry Sherpa.
High-vis Presley (2003) - Mark Addy is obsessed with two things, health and safety and Elvis. When Tara Fitzgerald’s cost cutting measures threaten the former at his carpet factory, he turns to the latter for inspiration.
Confusion Reigns Supreme (1989) - inexplicably bad British “comedy” in which Lenny Henry suffers a head injury which leads him to believe he’s Diana Ross.
The Grief Club (1997) - Robert Carlyles unsympathetic vet learns to cultivate a caring side when he falls for distraught dead dog owner Claire Goose .
Another Disabled Sister? (2006) self-referential Hugh Grant/Richard Curtis vehicle in which once again, floppy haired posh boy wheels out a disabled relative to emphasise his innate humanity.
We’ll Meet A Wren (1942) Tommy Trinder and George Formby pursue a hapless Joyce Howard in remarkably foul mouthed wartime romp.
Drunken Treasure (1965) Peter Ustinov is cursed only to recall the exact location of his late father’s vast fortune whn intoxicated. Bill Owen stars as a morally compromised pub landlord...
Carry On Gobbing (1977) Jim Dale gets his nose pierced to impress local punkette Paula Wilcox. Bernard Bresslaw stars as his world weary father.
That Ain’t Piss (1975) Gene Hackman and Richard Rowntree deploy scarcely believable resources at capturing a urine-wielding graffiti artist.
I Don’t Know, Idaho (1979) John Travolta and Harvey Keitel make their money hustling at pub quizzes in remote towns in the Northwest states. When idiot savant Shelley Duvall threatens their income, madness ensues.
The Days of Willie Beaver (1989) - who doesn’t want to see Robbie Coltrane as a Prohibition era bootlegger at war with his own mother (Shirley MacLaine) . Nobody but me as it turned out.
Joey the Bastard (1982) - perhaps the most violent film ever to come out of Australia. Offensive on almost every conceivable level. A musical, a video nasty and somehow a love story too. John Hargreaves stars. Songs by Rolf Harris.
Stain of Command (1988) - Bruce Boxleitner and Bill Bixby provide voices to what appears to be a Vietnam allegory using fuzzy felt animation. Described by Pauline Kael as “despicable shit.”
85 to go? Fuck.
Raveyard (1990) - appalling horror flick in which kids killed by Ecstasy rise from the dead to attack drug dealers. Great soundtrack.
Noah’s Bark (1986) - regrettable animated comedy in which a WASP family pet (voiced by Lee Majors) spells out the dangers posed to humanity by AIDS, smoking and not owning lots of guns.
Bang Crosby (1972) - Bruce Dern plans to assassinate Bing Crosby for reasons. Richard Dreyfus as the rookie cop that nobody else believes is onto something.
Xagadoo (1985) - described by Derek Malcolm as the “worst British film ever” - a post apocalyptic London is saved by the songs of Black Lace. Tracey Ullman and the late David Scarborough star.
Spar Trek (1995) Transparently lame attempt at a British version of Clerks. Christopher Eccleston and David Morrissey star.
Organic Tampons at the Lil’ Ol Drugstore on 9 (1991) Bette Midler, Gloria Estefan and Susan Sarandon bitch about men in a movie where all the men are one dimensional dickheads played by Christopher McDonald.
On the corner of Nut Allergy and Hell. (2020) - typically feel good film from Kenneth Lonegan. John Cusack’s widower falls for Holly Hunter’s terminally ill cop .
Thunder and Fighting (1968) Jack Nicholson, James Caan. “They’re on the lam. In Vietnam.” Contains the immortally bad line “I’m Agent Red, you’re agent yellow. Let’s get together and napalm this war.”
I’ll be back later. I got to pee and eat and stuff.
Hello Kids, I’m Mr Death (2016) - Pixar pull out all the stops and destroy a generation of children (and their parents). When the usually invisible Mr. Death is accidentally spotted by homeless toddler Ding Dong and her doomed dog Disney her life and ours are changed forever.
Jambalaya on Rye (1981) Chevy Chase plumbs fresh depths in this less than hilarious film noir parody. Worth watching for a cameo appearance by Gerard Depardieu as a sex pest.
This is Mars (2010) Ill advised Shane Meadows vehicle in which astronauts learn the hard way about racism. Stephen Graham stars. Music by the fucking Stone Roses.
Chatham Pocket (2015) - filmed entirely on a Nokia 7650 this coming of age drama, filmed in the waiting room of a GUI clinic in Kent was described by Mark Kermode as “heralding a British new wave.” A new wave of herpes if the dialogue is anything to go by.
JFC (1993) Oliver Stone’s retelling of the life of the Messiah. Nicholas Cage makes for as unlikely a Christ as you can imagine, though the casting of Larry Hagman as Pilate is inspired.
Young Jaws (1985) - the prequel you never knew you needed. The backstories of Brody, Quint, Hooper intermingle with the story of a shark moved into Amity water by global warming and revenge...
Point Point (1973) Existential road movie starring Brigitte Bardot and Alan Alda. A bank robber and her getaway driver flee the law on a highway that only they can see. Features nudity and distressing music by Eric Clapton.
Must Dash (1982) Burt Reynolds attempts to launch another franchise in which he drives cars fast.
Twink Town. Eye-watering gay movie set in Swansea. “Makes Brokeback Mountain look like The Battle of Algiers.” - John Toshack.
The Punch and Judy Man (2017) - Jason Statham goes fucking apeshit when a rival tent opens up on Aberystwyth beach.
Cop Tonsilitis (1998) Will Smith is the last cop on the beat in New York as a throat infection conquers Manhattan.
Godzilla vs Hen Weekend (2016) . Fairly self explanatory low budget feel good flick with Catherine Tate.
Crouching Tiger, Mavis Beaco (2003) - the worlds only martial arts/typing speed crossover movie. Tagline - 60 WPM? Meet One Inch Punch.
Godzilla vs Peloton (2020)
Godzilla vs Peloton 2 (2021)
You See It Is Actually Shit Being Poor (2015) - hard hitting Ken Loach film in which a poor person suffers enormously.
You’ve Got Mail (From A Woman Who Says Pacific When She Means Specific) (1999) - teeth-clenching romcom with Russell Crowe and Julia Stiles that left Sight and Sound “tense and very angry.”
Swing Hep Cat Swing (1962) - appalling attempt to appeal to young cool British kids. Drama set in a youth club. Adam Faith and Petula Clark try to fend off Mayor Square (James Robertson Justice) - sadly all are unaware the Beatles are coming up around the bend.
Flights of Fancy (2020) - Kevin Costner had done baseball, gridiron and golf. Now he took on darts. Romantic interest from a bored looking Laura Linney and a great cameo from George Wendt as a veteran darter.
Jung, Dumb and Full of Cum (2005) - The Farrelly Brothers decide on a biography of Carl Jung’s university days in Basel. James Adomian stars.
The Fifth Sense (1996) M. Night Shymalan brings us a pointless film in which Haley Joel Osment can see deaf people.
At Lasteroid (1997) Where Deep Impact and Armageddon went for special effects, Aerosmith and daddy issues, Sofia Coppolla’s offering went for dinner at a group of would be suicides. Tony Shalhoub and Michelle Yeoh star.
The Hard Cell (2004) Frank Darabont and Stephen King bring another 3 hour prison drama home. Someone has to fix the huge hole left by Andy Dufresne. Step forward Jonathan Lipnicki, the youngest lifer in Shawshank....
Wisconsolate (1975) Almost unbearably bleak road movie in which Bud Cort’s Vietnam vet continually walks the perimeter of the Badger State in search of something that isn’t made entirely clear. Hal Ashby directs, obviously.
Pearls (2016) Guy Ritchie’s least subtle movie. Ross Kemp plans to steal the Pearly King of London’s jacket, wrongly believing it to contain an ancient priceless stone. But Shane Richie’s rival gangster has other ideas. “Absolute fucking shit.” - Melvyn Bragg.
The Gray Lady (2013) - Martin Scorsese somehow drags out the shortest reign in English history to 4 hours. Jennifer Lawrence excels as the doomed queen but it’s Joe Pesci’s “de-aged” Queen Elizabeth that steals the show.
