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I had a kind of lovely #ActuallyAutistic realisation today, and being open about it is part of it so well, Twitter.
Since diagnosis I've noted that I am REALLY good at (and love) following instructions. I want them, and I leap to execute them brilliantly...1
Since diagnosis I've noted that I am REALLY good at (and love) following instructions. I want them, and I leap to execute them brilliantly...1
...so why can't I just issue the instructions to myself? When instructed, I can carry out very complex and even interpersonal tasks, but I can't initiate those tasks. I have to be told. This has led to a bit of depression as I extrapolated that I am just a high-functioning...
...automaton (yes so much internatised ableism) and so even though I excelled in school, where it was all instructions, I can't function independently in an academic, leadership or activist way and will only really find it bearable to work in eg an assembly line job... 3
HOWEVER I had not taken into account my lifetime of high-level camouflaging, and this morning I did.
For my whole life every interpersonal action I took, every word I said, was an act designed under intense pressure to fit in, to belong. The 'innovation' and 'initiation' parts..4
For my whole life every interpersonal action I took, every word I said, was an act designed under intense pressure to fit in, to belong. The 'innovation' and 'initiation' parts..4
...of my personality were terrifying and expressly forbidden. They never got to develop or be practised with. How could I suddenly know how to use them? 5
This is a lovely thing to realise because it means that I might be able to develop the potential to give myself the instructions I love to carry out - to decide for myself what I want to work on and trust myself to make those decisions. To enjoy and initiate work I love...6
...without crippling, paralysing fear.
I have no real idea how to go about developing this beyond experiencing tiny successes in initiating and prioritising actions, and being very open about this process. Hence this thread. I hope it's helpful to others, but mainly it's...7
I have no real idea how to go about developing this beyond experiencing tiny successes in initiating and prioritising actions, and being very open about this process. Hence this thread. I hope it's helpful to others, but mainly it's...7
...a start for me. A first little confirmation that I as my autistic self, not a facsimile of those around me, am ok. End.
