Read on Twitter
borderline behaviours I wish more people understood.
CW for discussion of abuse & trauma
CW for discussion of abuse & trauma
first off I'm gonna point to this, to prevent the worst ableism. now on to the actual content https://twitter.com/disabilisaur/status/1345202056274079744?s=19
- Baiting
Not baiting as in trying to get you so we can hurt you, but baiting as in trying to get you to hurt us.
This is used to get other people to affirm our idea that you hate us and we are, in fact, awful people that deserve all the pain we're suffering.
Not baiting as in trying to get you so we can hurt you, but baiting as in trying to get you to hurt us.
This is used to get other people to affirm our idea that you hate us and we are, in fact, awful people that deserve all the pain we're suffering.
Sometimes it's easy to spot, for example when someone describes doing something that is definitely not abuse or rape (often it's the reverse as in, they were the victim) and ends it with "oh god I'm an abuser. I'm a rapist. I'm a horrible person"
That's baiting you to agree.
That's baiting you to agree.
The special twist is that we are amazing at making it seem super reasonable and rational.
"Just ignore me when I'm desperate for attention, it's really the best course of action"
Basically we lie. But we don't lie to hurt you, we lie to hurt ourselves. And we're GOOD at it.
"Just ignore me when I'm desperate for attention, it's really the best course of action"
Basically we lie. But we don't lie to hurt you, we lie to hurt ourselves. And we're GOOD at it.
This behaviour makes more sense when you understand the situation for which this it was developed.
"Just hit me already!"
"If you want me to do this, you have to force me."
It's skipping the moments of terror to get to the worst right away, so it'll be over sooner.
"Just hit me already!"
"If you want me to do this, you have to force me."
It's skipping the moments of terror to get to the worst right away, so it'll be over sooner.
- Catastrophic breakdowns
BPD is a very variable thing. Now this of course doesn't apply to everyone, but most of us can behave sort of normally and fudge our way through interpersonal relationships on most days, but every now and then we crash. Spectacularly.
BPD is a very variable thing. Now this of course doesn't apply to everyone, but most of us can behave sort of normally and fudge our way through interpersonal relationships on most days, but every now and then we crash. Spectacularly.
This usually has some external trigger, but is also a release of pain that has built up over a long time.
This, too, reflects what was done to ourselves.
One common pattern of abuse is having a normal relationship much of the time, until one day, it escalates into violence.
This, too, reflects what was done to ourselves.
One common pattern of abuse is having a normal relationship much of the time, until one day, it escalates into violence.
The abuser starts a fight, and will now dredge up anything and everything that has ever bothered them about their victim to hit them with it all at once.
And while this is traumatising, these situations also offer the victim a chance to do the same and get some small relief.
And while this is traumatising, these situations also offer the victim a chance to do the same and get some small relief.
Finally you can speak all the little things you've had to endure quietly to avoid an escalation. It's all going to shit now anyway.
So we've been trained on that pattern of never saying what hurts us and only let it out in situations where we have nothing to lose anyway.
So we've been trained on that pattern of never saying what hurts us and only let it out in situations where we have nothing to lose anyway.
- Putting friends in the role of an abuser
The problem is that the people who abused us were ones we loved.
They were our friends, lovers, parents, people we trusted and depended on, but also feared and got hurt by.
So we learned that nobody is safe.
The problem is that the people who abused us were ones we loved.
They were our friends, lovers, parents, people we trusted and depended on, but also feared and got hurt by.
So we learned that nobody is safe.
The fact that you're a kind soul who would never knowingly overstep a boundary doesn't make you a safe person. Our abusers were like that too. Except when they weren't.
So when we break down, we treat people we love like someone who is going to hurt us.
So when we break down, we treat people we love like someone who is going to hurt us.
Of course this can be extremely triggering for people who were abused, because abusers often treat their victim as the aggressor. So between people with similar maladaptive coping strategies this can set off a cataclysmic cascade of hurt, which is impressively destructive!
- Inability to directly state needs
We've become masters of manipulation not because we wanted to but because we had to.
If your needs will be weaponised against you, you stop expressing them in ways that make them obvious. To a certain extent this can be unlearned.
We've become masters of manipulation not because we wanted to but because we had to.
If your needs will be weaponised against you, you stop expressing them in ways that make them obvious. To a certain extent this can be unlearned.
But if you've ever had to hide your needs like this, burying them under layers and layers of suggestions, requests and misdirections; if someone used these needs to coerce you into agreeing to traumatising things, to punish you, humiliate and subdue you, that leaves a mark.
When we feel unsafe, this is a defense strategy we fall back on. So if someone answers all your offers for help with "I don't know" or silence, this doesn't necessarily mean they don't want or need it, they might just feel too put on the spot & require a more subtle approach.
Now of course this can be triggering for someone else, so really this is something best discussed outside of acute episodes.
- Related to this is unreasonably aggressive reactions to offers of help.
For someone who hasn't experienced this specific kind of abuse, getting an offer for help might be annoying, unwanted, patronising, even insulting, but it won't make you feel like you're in danger.
For someone who hasn't experienced this specific kind of abuse, getting an offer for help might be annoying, unwanted, patronising, even insulting, but it won't make you feel like you're in danger.
But for some people, it does.
Because these offers, wanted or not, helpful or not, always came at a price, and that price was our boundaries, our well-being, our self-determination. We've had to give those up to pay for any kind of help we ever got.
Because these offers, wanted or not, helpful or not, always came at a price, and that price was our boundaries, our well-being, our self-determination. We've had to give those up to pay for any kind of help we ever got.
So even when we have gotten better at asking for help, we may still react intensely to these offers, both for help that's really unwanted and unnecessary - but also for help that we urgently, desperately need and want.
I don't have a generalised strategy to deal with that one.
I don't have a generalised strategy to deal with that one.
It strongly depends on the situation, and to some degree we won't be able to actually make use of help when we aren't ready for it. I guess what I mostly want you to take away here is that our reactions may be misleading.
Best to discuss this outside of acute episodes.
Best to discuss this outside of acute episodes.
- Inability to apologise or express gratitude
When your willingness to accept responsibility and work on yourself has been abused to make you accept responsibility for things you never did (or that were done TO you), and work on yourself to the point of self-destruction... Well.
When your willingness to accept responsibility and work on yourself has been abused to make you accept responsibility for things you never did (or that were done TO you), and work on yourself to the point of self-destruction... Well.
I spent many years trying to change myself into what my abusers wanted. Constantly shaving off pieces of myself, removing needs and wishes and boundaries and self respect, memories and feelings and dreams.
I was constantly apologising for everything I hadn't killed yet.
I was constantly apologising for everything I hadn't killed yet.
I had to be grateful for basic kindness as well as things I never wanted. Either way, I had to pay for it all.
To this day, the smallest concessions feel dangerous. Again, you can learn to cope with this most of the time... But it will come back in times of distress.
To this day, the smallest concessions feel dangerous. Again, you can learn to cope with this most of the time... But it will come back in times of distress.
So just because your personality disordered friend doesn't apologise for lashing out, or doesn't say "thank you" when you help, it doesn't mean they're not sorry or not grateful, they might just be terrified to show this kind of vulnerability.
If you stick around, though, they will either tell you once they feel safe again, or they'll show you in different ways.
People with BPD can make incredibly loyal and dedicated friends. We just need some understanding and accommodations on the bad days.
People with BPD can make incredibly loyal and dedicated friends. We just need some understanding and accommodations on the bad days.
I say this but the truth is this applies to every person with BPD except me, I'm definitely the exception who is absolutely, totally a bad person and deserves all of it
