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How to do the family food shopping when you are poor. For the uninitiated.
1. Open the cupboards, including the fridge ice box & carefully evaluate the situation. Half a jar of slimy gross budget peanut butter no one will eat but you daren't throw away still counts as food.
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1. Open the cupboards, including the fridge ice box & carefully evaluate the situation. Half a jar of slimy gross budget peanut butter no one will eat but you daren't throw away still counts as food.
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2. Painstakingly wrack your brain for things you can do with those horrible things, like that alleged peanut butter because you can't waste food OMG! Settle on peanut butter & chocolate cookies. List ingredients. Realise you can't really afford it. Cross the whole lot off.
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3. Try to stay upbeat here. Cheap cookies can be got for pence, it wouldn't kill you to throw that peanutty slime away would it? Brace yourself, chuck it all in the bin. Immediately regret it and grab it back out the bin and tell yourself you will at least recycle the jar.
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4. Scrape out the contents of the peanut butter jar by first grabbing a spoon, then turning to scrape it into the bin, balking again, finding a cereal bowl and scraping it into that. Wash and recycle the jar. Feeling like an idiot put your gacky brown bowlful in the fridge.
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5. Remember that time your Aunty Margaret swore digestive biscuits, with peanut butter & a slice of apple are wonderful but you refused to even try them. Begrudgingly add "cheapo digestives" and "gala apple" to the list, because of course you know which apples cost least.
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6/ Imagine how happy Aunty Margaret will be if one of your kids actually does eat rock-bottom digestives, slime & a single slice of apple. Try to put the image of dog meat & biscuit combos out of your mind. Wish you still had a dog as they adore slime peanut butter. Weirdos.
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7/ Refocus. Right. What do you need here... 7 main meals. Think of the 7 most inexpensive dinners your whole family will eat. Mentally cross off supernoodles- that's really taking it too far... Or is it? Could you maybe do supernoodles and peanut bu... No. Stop. No noodles.
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8. Right so 7 meals on the cheap... Chicken thighs twice, fish fingers, that bacon bits and pesto pasta thing they all want doubles of, the big packets of veggie sausages... What else... What even goes with peanut butter slime anyway? No! Don't think about the fucking slime!
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8. How much was the motherfucking slime arse brown sticky abomination anyway?
Google it.
Nothing.
Find your wallet. Start reading every item on your last 14 receipts.
Eventually find it.
70p.
It's half a jar full, it's like 35p, intrusive thoughts can fuck off. Times UP!
Google it.
Nothing.
Find your wallet. Start reading every item on your last 14 receipts.
Eventually find it.
70p.
It's half a jar full, it's like 35p, intrusive thoughts can fuck off. Times UP!
9. Angrily scrape the slime out of your precious cereal bowl into the bin for the last time. Wash, dry and put away the bowl.
Get hit by tidal wave of guilt. Retrieve large lump of slime from bin in a sheet of kitchen roll, put it outside for the fox. Slam door. Wash hands.
Get hit by tidal wave of guilt. Retrieve large lump of slime from bin in a sheet of kitchen roll, put it outside for the fox. Slam door. Wash hands.
10. Cross "cheapo digestives" off the list. What were you even thinking? They taste like dry riverbeds.
Leave gala apples on. They're cheaper than crisps. Well, except the cheap crispseh. At they don't end up in the fox either.
Fair point. Add megapack of cheapo crisps.
Leave gala apples on. They're cheaper than crisps. Well, except the cheap crispseh. At they don't end up in the fox either.
Fair point. Add megapack of cheapo crisps.
11. Remember every dirty look you ever received while lifting a mega jumbo bag of cheapo crisps onto a conveyor belt and what that arsehole said - him who sits on the TV sofa next to that woman with the good hair and blouses, about how childhood obesity is all the mothers fault.
12. Double the gala apples. Consider a smaller multipack bag of crisps. Remember those smaller bags cost twice as much per individual packet.
Guilt-add celery.
Celery with peanut butter and raisins! Damnit! Why didn't you think of this 5 minutes ago?
Give up.
Guilt-add celery.
Celery with peanut butter and raisins! Damnit! Why didn't you think of this 5 minutes ago?
Give up.
