Thread by @CivilWarHumor, #OTD in 1862, as Gen. Richard Johnson’s men ate breakfast and lived [...]

#OTD in 1862, as Gen. Richard Johnson’s men ate breakfast and lived up to the stereotype that Federals were most vulnerable to attack at meal times (see: Shiloh, Chancellorsville, etc.), a line of Butternut uniforms emerged from the dawn fog ...
#UhOh
#LetsMakeThatMcMuffinToGo

The advancing Rebels hadn’t eaten anything, save a swig of whiskey. But they were starting the bloody battle of Stones River--which doesn’t get as much pub as other Civil War clashes, despite its horrific casualty rate. But it’s New Year’s Eve, you can’t go out, so let’s dive in.

Both commanding generals -- William Rosecrans for the Union and Braxton Bragg for the Rebels -- had similar plans: attack the enemy’s right and (sigh) get into their rear. Much would depend, therefore, on who moved first -- and the Rebels’ attack caught the Union by surprise.

Hardee’s corps drove the Union back 3 (!) miles to a railroad; cannons were captured without firing a shot, whole stands of rifles taken where they stood. Lines of Union men collapsed & ran; then a second wave of Rebels, under the Bishop Polk, moved forward. We assume diagonally.

Five Union brigades were knocked out in an hour; hospitals were overrun. “To their credit,” one doctor wrote, “every surgeon returned to his duty and stood bravely at his post … in a few minutes our troops had fallen back, and we were between the two armies.” #HealthcareHeroes

Another surgeon wrote: “The bullets flew so thick, it seemed as if one had only to hold out his hand to catch it full of them … the whole thing was one magnificent exhibition of human passion.” Which is the kind of thing you say about a Cirque du Soleil show, not a BATTLE.

At one point, a Federal ammo train fell into the hands of Rebel troopers, but Col. John Kennett collected scattered cavalry units and led a surprise counter-attack. As the teamsters hauled the wagons to safety, the cavalry charged and counter-charged. It was … Napoleonic stuff.

When Rosecrans heard the ammo train made it, he sought out its awesomely named officer, GATES THRUSTON.

“How did you manage to get it over here?” Rosecrans asked.

"Well, general, we did some sharp fighting, but a great deal more running.” (Rosecrans promoted him on the spot.)

Rosecrans did his best to rally his men. But the Rebels had the upper hand and were on the verge of a stunning victory. A Union disaster seemed imminent ...

Except for one small thing.

And when I say “small,” I mean 5-foot-5 in high-heeled cavalry boots.

#HereComesLittlePhil

“Little Phil" Sheridan hadn't gone all the way to Middle Tennessee just to run away from Braxton fucking Bragg. The feisty, super-profane Irish-American had been asleep on a log at 2 A.M. when his subordinate, Gen. Joshua Sill, woke him up to say he heard movement in the forest.

Sheridan went into the woods, cocked an ear, and muttered: “Shitballs.” (Or 1800s words to that effect.) They rode to their slumbering corps commander, Alexander McCook, who waved off their concerns.

(Indeed, some would say McCook remained asleep throughout the entire battle.)

So Sheridan walked from regiment to regiment, waking his officers. That’s gotta be one of the loneliest feelings: It’s pitch-black, you’re stumbling from tent to tent, warning everyone that come dawn, you KNOW the troops on both sides of you will break and run.

But you cannot.

Three times, the Rebels hit his lines, and three times, Sheridan withdrew, readjusted, and yelled: “Is that all you’ve got, Braxton?” With little help from the aimless McCook, Sheridan’s 3 brigades held off 9 (!), fighting in a forest known to history as The Slaughter Pen.

The cost was dear. All 3 of Sheridan’s brigade commanders (including Sill) were killed and he lost a third of his men. The Rebels were not helped by the fact that their Gen. Benjamin Cheatham was as sloshed as Orson Welles doing one of those commercials for Paul Masson champagne.

In fact, one Rebel blamed the attack’s collapse on booze. “John Barleycorn was general in chief. Our generals, and colonels and captains, had kissed John a little too often. They couldn’t see straight … the private could, but he was no general, you see.” (New Year’s Eve, folks!)

The woodsy, rocky forest became a most terrifying obstacle for attacker and defender alike. One member of the 73rd Illinois chillingly recalled, “The history of the combat in those dark cedar thickets will never be known. No man could see even the whole of his own regiment.”

The most hotly contested ground was a salient called the Round Forest, later dubbed Hell’s Half-Acre. (You can tell how a Civil War battle went by how ghastly its nicknames were.) This was the only part of the Union’s original line that held; if the Rebels turned it, it was over.

Fortunately, the underrated Col. William Hazen was defending the Round Forest, backed up with artillery from George Thomas -- who, as was his wont, REFUSED TO BUDGE from the Union center. His instructions to one officer were: “Take your brigade there and stop the Rebels.” #OkThen

Hazen was joined in the defense of the Round Forest by 33-year-old Milo Hascall, a lawyer and future real-estate agent with phenomenal hipster hair who had one of those Civil War battle experiences where everyone kept dying around him, so he found himself in charge by default.

(I mean, imagine: A couple hours ago you were settling down to some stale hardtack and gunpowder-sweetened coffee, now you’re running around the woods looking for anyone in blue to come help. But as Hascall said: “This position must be held, even if cost the last man we had.”)

The courageous stand by Sheridan, Hazen, and Hascall’s men gave Rosecrans time to rally the right and round up stragglers. The fatherly Rosecrans was now in his element--popping up everywhere to offer advice and encouragement. Finally, at 4:30 p.m, the Rebels’ attack died out ...

That night, Rosecrans held a council of war. Legend has it he was wishy-washy until he asked, “Gen. Thomas, what have you to say?”

The Virginian rose slowly. “General,” he said, “I know of no better place to die than right here.”

#SoBringItOn2021
#AndThanksForReadingThisYear

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