i went to the grocery store, v proud of myself bc i never do that, and wanted to get a few simple things to cook so im not just on the couch all night. i forgot how much i hate shopping and also that itd be a crowded mess on nye

i also forget how much crowds exacerbate my anxiety until im in them so i was already working on fixed time. i find nearly everything but chicken wings. CHICKEN WINGS. WHAT KIND OF STORE DOESNT HAVE CHICKEN WINGS! from then on anxiety was on 10, i was scowling, i just wanted out

also there were no grocery carts so i hadda fight off like 4 people for a free one as ppl were exiting. it was intense.

anyway im in line, im next up to ring up all this food i knew id be too irritated to cook, and from the back of the store comes a man w his freshly bagged groceries. he says veery loudly: 'TO ALL THE EMPLOYEES, I HOPE YALL HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO.'

someone said 'aw that's nice' (or something to that effect) and he said 'THAT'S BROOKLYN!'

a customer at a window behind him turned & started clapping & did instinctively did too. other people nodded and waved. it was the purest thing ive seen in a minute

then i start thinking about my tantrum over my wings, which wasnt about wings at all; it was about trying to have some modicum of control over this day we know as a holiday. i had this fixed idea of a 'just as good!' nye & it felt like the universe had won again

but that man saying thank you to a grocery store full of black cashiers, mostly women, and hearing people murmur their agreement & seeing that man clap reminded me that even when things suck, when theyre imperfect, when we cant control anything, there is still kindness somewhere

trying to control what you cant control is always a fool's errand, but especially now. i zoomed out & decided to just focus on a night of peace, rest, and doing something that feels good. so what if i dont have my wings. so what if we're not out at a club or kickback w friends.

its okay to let this new years eve be imperfect. its okay to let it be different. its okay to stop tryna control things & work w what you have. & its important to be grateful, like guy @ the store. there's always something to be thankful for. ima look for those things tonight.

im grateful that through one of the toughest years yet, i am still here. im grateful that this pandemic has shone a spotlight on what is truly important to me. im grateful that my brother getting sick made me work harder at being a better sister.

im grateful for the agoraphobia that kept me in the house so long before the pandemic so that when quarantine came, transitioning was easy. im grateful for my anxiety bc it has kept me safe, alive, and cautious thru all this.

i complained about it mightily once i got fatigued but im grateful to have a job weird enough to keep me working through this pandemic. even though we have a love-hate relationship, im grateful to still be in nyc bc it means im staying afloat.

speaking of love-hate relationships, im grateful for my body and these extra pounds its collecting bc it has seen me through SEVERAL different traumas this year, all at the same time. im grateful for the extra weight bc its a reminder that bitch at least youre still able to eat.

even though i will not have my dumb wings tonight im grateful for the man who said thanks to a bunch of strangers and made me put shit into perspective. im grateful for everything that has tried to kill me bc the fact that i am still here means that i am stronger than i know

twitter has been a harbinger of bad news forever but especially these past 4 years but im grateful for it bc being connected w a bunch of strangers who make me feel less alone, loved, and important has been a life saver.

im grateful for not being able to keep in touch with my friends the way id like to bc of stress bc it gave my friends a chance to prove to me that they understand, that they get it, that they love me & are still here even when im an imperfect human

i was supposed to wrap this up like 15 tweets ago but remember, gratitude is a liferaft! it changes ur brain! it helps you remember that there's still good shit happening which is necessary for our mental health! its so important!

its okay and healthy to mourn yesterday. its also important and healthy to be grateful for today. try to do that if you can!

YOU MADE IT THRU A SHITTY YEAR AND I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU! YOU SHOULD BE TOO!