How I got stuck in a marriage at 21 and the insane path to my divorce, a thread

I originally wanted to make this thread so my followers understand the back story of my random tweets but I’m now making it because of the overwhelming response to my engagement thread and for everyone who found it helpful in someway https://twitter.com/thatafghangirl/status/1344356201681870850

So after we got engaged everything moved extremely quickly. My family told me I should do nikkah (Islamic marriage) so that we can go out and it won’t be haram, especially cus Ramadan was coming. I was hesitant but I had to do it so I could start his sponsorship paperwork to

The first time I witnessed his anger issues was before the engagement party. My relatives have an engagement party with nikkah but u don’t move in and aren’t considered married until the actual wedding day. It may also be a cultural thing too idk

I still was hesitant but my bro said that getting engaged & being married was the same thing. Breaking off the engagement is as big of a deal so there’s no reason not to do it. Guys and gals, this is FALSE in so many ways. Legal & Islamic marriage is SO much harder to get out of

Anyways we established a mahr (dowry/gift) of $3k-4k, I said he could pay it later once he worked in Canada cus he didn’t have it at that time. Keep this in mind it’s important later lol and boom I was married but my foolish self thought I was just engaged

I don’t wanna be dramatic but it was all downhill from there. We started fighting constantly but people told me it was normal. He wanted to rush me and my feelings and I just wanted him to do things so I could fall in love with him the way the world told me I would post-marriage

But it was impossible because everything I knew about him. Everything I had hoped for was a lie. He was an ego maniac, his pride was hurt constantly, he was even jealous of my male relatives!!! Until there came a point that I threw my ring away and was sobbing in some washroom

He did something unspeakable that honestly idk how to admit but let’s just say I was sexually assaulted. Before u come at me and say that’s not possible in a relationship or in Islam please block me. I don’t wanna hear it. It’s possible and more men need to be held accountable.

I wasn’t gonna tweet this part but there are so many poor girls in my dms and in this world that go through the same thing. I just want you to know that it’s not your fault and you’re not obligated to do ANYTHING you’re not comfortable with

Mind you, I had never been in a relationship. I never even kissed someone before marriage. God I hope non Muslims don’t read this but essentially I wanted to be halal. I don’t regret waiting. I regret being alone with someone I thought I could trust tho. Khair, anyways.

And u know what he did? He ignored me for 3 days. No apology. No phone call. Nothing. He was angry at me. Can u imagine? Anyways eventually he did say sorry and I accepted his apology because I was terrified of what would happen if I didn’t. This was just weeks after our party

And when I opened up I was told things like “you shouldn’t have been alone with him and if you were, u should’ve listened to what he asked for” I puke just remembering those words. ANYWAYS. The world told me we’d stop fighting after I came to Canada so I was patient

So after I came back (2 months) we talked on the phone and it was unbearable. We barely had things to talk about and when I would ask questions for us to know each other better, we would always end up fighting. Or he would make stupid jokes about getting a second wife that would

Kill me. Men: for the love of god STOP making second wife jokes. It’s not funny. You’re not funny. You’re an idiot cus u can’t even handle one wife let alone two. All you’re doing is making ur wife insecure

I would tell him to stop but this is where the emotional abuse would happen. He wouldn’t stop until I was sobbing and would hang up. It was a constant game with this man. Slowly but sure I realized everything we talked about, he essentially lied just to get me to say yes to him

He’d joke to use the second wife to do housework cus he didn’t wanna do it. He lied about abuse because I found out he’s hit his youngest brother multiple times. He had issues with the way I practiced my religion omggg quick story cus it’s hilarious but this man

One night he literally had teary eyes and was making duah because he saw the way I prayed ishaa. (I pray 2 witr than 1 witr. Hanafis pray all 3 together). I’m like BRO I TOLD U DIS BEFORE MARRIAGE why are u acting like I just finished worshipping Satan??? Estaghfurillah.

Omg this is getting too long again I’m sorry I’ll wrap it up. Let’s just say I started hating him. There were many reasons why. So I told my family. They thought I was insane. “Why were u so happy in Kabul but not on the phone? It must be the distance” everyone blamed it on that

It wasn’t the distance. It was my brain unraveling and remembering everything I tried to forget. My trauma response was forgetting the things he did and the way he made me feel but when I was back in Canada and remembered I had rights, everything clicked

I’m like yo he do be abusive .

Trigger warning// suicide.

I became extremely depressed during all this. Even suicidal. At one point I remember a voice in my head just telling me to kill myself. Mind you, I was never suicidal before this. It was haram and I could never

Do that to my family. My mom means the world to me. We always tell eachother that if we die we finna be buried together cus we can’t stand this dunya alone. But this voice wouldn’t stop until I had panic attacks and would cry uncontrollably

My family told me to keep trying. They told me I had to sponsor him. I fought constantly. I got married in May 2018, I first asked for divorce around October 2018, I kept trying to make it work until December bc of my family. I started with a clean slate but he still failed.

Throughout this time I even lost my two closest friends in the world. They were like sisters to me but I guess I became too much to handle.

Eventually, the night before my 22nd birthday, my family finally spoke with me and him and I told them I hated him

After he blamed everything on me. Girls: this is why I don’t recommend making a major move. Call me old school but I could never give a man the opportunity to tell me I sought him out. I asked for nikkah. He threw EVERY decision in my face even though it was a mutual decision

He said that I had to sponsor him because I made that promise. He said I wasn’t a man of my word. I told him I hated him, he didn’t care. He just had to get away from the ppl back home who would talk sh*t. I said no. What did my family say?

They said okay, we’ll sponsor you.

TW// self harm.

I felt as though my entire world was falling apart so I did the one thing I had control over. I broke some glass and punched it repeatedly. (I did get some cool photos out of it tho )

This is the reason a lot of ppl self harm; control. Control over your body when the world and your emotions are falling apart. The only thing u have left is yourself. So please, don’t make fun of ppl for it. They do it because they see no other way. It’s NOT for attention.

After this I refused to do it and my family couldn’t do it without me so they eventually gave up on asking me. I had him blocked for a year and it was the most peaceful time of our whole relationship lol. Until summer of 2020 where everything went to hell again

This thread is too long so my Twitter keeps lagging but this is the final part I swear.
If you’ve made it this far & don’t want to continue I understand

but just know that you are not alone in this world and there is so much u don’t know about all these happy couples on socials https://twitter.com/thatafghangirl/status/1344792766065352706