BREAKING THREAD:

Zombies spotted at multiple locations in the US, captured on video. White House dismisses as a hoax, but also says something incomprehensible about Belgium and Obama being to blame, even though it’s fake news. Nation starts to panic, slightly.

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1/13

Trump forced to take apocalypse slightly seriously after staffer badly nibbled. Says it will “end by 4pm Eastern, like a miracle”. Sean Hannity claims all zombies are Hunter Biden in disguise. Lou Dobbs discovered to have been dead for 15 years anyway, is quietly shot.

2/13

Mike Pence appointed as head of Zombie Task Force. Snaps into action and hand-draws a logo for the Space Force instead: also suggests their uniforms would look more “bad-ass” if they were a subtle shade of taupe. Then vanishes for several months. Trump golfs decisively.

3/13

Schisms emerge as liberals heed advice to stay indoors, while MAGA hoards insist on going out to mingle with zombies “because freedom, or something”. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis proves loyalty to Trump by being eaten live on television. Matt Gaetz rejected by hoard.

4/13

Democrats urge a bill to address hardships. Mitch McConnell sneers. Pelosi insists. Mitch finds loose change down the back of his couch, offers this to nation. Rand Paul explains this is communism. Romney, Collins and Murkowski on verge of being “perceptibly concerned”.

5/13

As zombie crisis worsens, in an endless, rambling press conference from his golf course, Trump insists the zombies can be defeated by singing show tunes at them. Also alleges that all these dead people will vote for Democrats. This claim about election fraud is disputed.

6/13

California catches fire. Nobody cares. California patiently catches fire again. Nation looks up blearily, discovers this has nothing to do with zombies, goes back to watching Netflix and doomscrolling. California quietly puts itself out, and goes about its business.

7/13

Joe Biden draws fire when he mildly suggests that “people stay the heck indoors, man.” Mainstream media pounces on his failure to fully define “indoors”, or provide maps. Far left savages him for using near-fascist slur “people”. Biden rolls his eyes, stays indoors.

8/13

A very small hoard is spotted ten miles from the White House. Trump bravely and quickly retreats to bunker. Claims he is looking for his extensive, huge, beautiful notes on a health plan. Or maybe it’s infrastructure. Kayleigh McEnany eats a ream of paper to prove this.

9/13

Nation realizes they don’t have anything to say on zooms any more, because absolutely everything has already been said, and sets up vast arrays of laptops to talk to each other instead. Laptops jointly invent light-speed space travel, leave planet under cover of darkness.

10/13

Nancy Pelosi calls again for a stimulus bill. Mitch McConnell chuckles like an evil turtle. Throws a mouse at her, as his final offer. Rand Paul explains this is communism. Meanwhile NRA realizes this is the moment it has been waiting for. Starts selling guns to zombies.

11/13

As the year closes, with no help from Operation We Have No Actual Clue What We’re Doing, an anti-zombie vaccine is developed. Trump admin cleverly orders nowhere near enough, then hides all doses. Pence reappears, to give Trump credit for the invention of Christmas.

12/13

On December 31st, 2020, a weary nation finally adopts Joe Biden’s plan of staying the heck indoors, man.

And so we wait.
Happy New Year.

13/13, ends.