I just found out what shadow work is (like yesterday) and I'm going to grapple with what it means to know how harmful the drug trade was to communities while acknowledging how enjoyable that time was for me. Yes, I'm aware that it's messed up. Can't address it by pretending tho

Clearly it fed something that was/is(?) part of me. I could say "selling drugs is awful" and that's true. Also, it's true that i had a good time doing it. So let me not lie about the latter. Let me figure out what i was feeding so i can find a better way to handle it.

I imagine how disgusted I'd be hearing a murderer say "i recognize that my actions cost people their lives and ruined families. It was an awful thing. I also know that i felt a thrill and i still get excited when i reminisce." The analogy isn't that much of a reach.

And I'm fully aware of how race/status impact the drug trade (from all sides) but this particular bit of work is more about why "i" chose to participate even after having money. Strip down to the mora decisions.

Anyway...
I share things because i know I'm not the only one dealing with it and I'm strong enough to handle the blowback. You can't ever judge me harsher than I've judged myself. And the damage I've done is way worse than these tweets. Absolution won't happen on the app

I think you have to REALLY be compassionate with yourself (not excuses just be willing to forgive) to deal with the less attractive parts of yourself. That's probably why we don't engage those parts. We lack the grace. Some of us never saw "grace" outside of a religious context

Like I'm JUST learning not to cuss myself out in my head for being human and fallible. I was raised to be exceptional and if ANY part of me wasn't, then none of me was. If i could speak 3 languages but not tie my shoes, i needed to accept that i wasn't going to be much in life.

I'm not re-litigating my childhood. Just seeing how those moments turned into character traits. How every "I'm not going to buy that just for you to break it" made me afraid to try things when it was my own money on the table. So now we unlearn it and live, hopefully happier.

Because I'd much rather lose money than never try things.