People sometimes ask me if it was worth getting an autism diagnosis so late in life.
Two years on I’m convinced it was, and this is why.
#Thread
#AllAutistics
#AutisticElders
#OlderAutistics
#ActuallyAutistic
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Two and a half years ago I was in despair. My much loved dog was dying of heart disease. I was doing multiple part-time jobs. Two of my managers were bullying me. My life seemed to be falling apart, but I had no idea why.
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The breakdown I had before my autism diagnosis was like a slow speed car crash. It was as if the engine cut out and I drifted to the side of the road. When I tried to get going again there was no spark, nothing. I didn’t know it at the time but this was #autistic #burnout
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I ended up in burnout because demands on me exceeded capacity. I was overworking, overwhelmed and overwrought. I lacked defences against being bullied, and effective strategies to deal with it. I didn’t realise that I was autistic, or what sensory overload meant. I was lost.
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I felt desperate because I could see that I was caught up in a recurring pattern. It had happened before and unless I worked out what was going on it would just keep on happening again. How could things ever be any different? What on earth was happening?
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My GP reassured me that I was not responsible for my repeated difficulties at work. I had found myself in a series of challenging situations which I had managed to survive and move on from. But I knew I was the only common denominator. It had to have something to do with me.
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Part of the evidence contributing to my autism assessment was my career history. Although I’d almost always been employed, I’d changed jobs fairly frequently. All kinds of difficulties had arisen, and repeated exposure to abusive incidents had left me traumatised.
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Discovering I was autistic changed my perspective on my career completely. Of course I had struggled without accommodations no one knew I needed. No wonder I was bullied and targeted for abuse. How incredible that I had achieved what I did. This was career success not failure.
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My perspective on friendships and relationships changed too. Like many autistic children and young people I was on the edge of friendship groups. I felt like I didn’t belong. Healthy intimate relationships were difficult to establish. Being autistic helped to explain this.
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Tensions and misunderstandings in family relationships also started to make more sense. It wasn’t that I was the difficult one, I was just very different from my siblings. Without knowing I was autistic my parents and I had no idea how to manage this.
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Initially I thought knowing I was autistic was enough. The full extent of the lifestyle changes I needed to make only dawned on me gradually. Accepting and asserting my sensory, cognitive and communication needs after a lifetime of being unaware of them was a real challenge.
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Like many people who discover they’re autistic late in life I sometimes experience imposter syndrome. In spite of conclusive evidence of my neurodivergence I occasionally wonder about my diagnosis. But then I go and do something so obviously autistic I have no doubts at all.
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The way I relate to other autistic people is the thing that matters most. I learn far more from them than I do from books on psychological theory. Being with other autistic people gives me a sense of belonging. Autistic identity and culture are more important than diagnosis.
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A psychological challenge of ageing is coming to terms with the life I’ve lived. Remembering, forgiving, forgetting, holding on and letting go. Discovering I was autistic on the cusp of old age has equipped me to do this. My past now makes sense in a way it never did before.
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Discovering I was autistic at the age of 58 didn’t immediately give me all the answers, but it did show me where to look. It’s been a gradual process, with plenty of setbacks along the way. But the overall direction of travel has been positive. I’m in a much better place now.
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Something else that’s relevant is personal safety, an essential component of wellbeing. Before I discovered I was autistic meltdowns felt more scary. I had no idea why they happened or how to prevent them. Now I know. I may not always manage it, but I have the insight I need.
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A possible advantage of late autism diagnosis is that I wasn’t constrained in what I did. I imagine my parents would have been more protective had they known I was autistic as a child and teenager. I almost certainly wouldn’t have been recruited as a police officer in 1984.
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Some of the misadventures I’ve had in the course of my life might not have happened if I’d realised I was autistic. I think overall it would have been better to know from early childhood, assuming knowledge and understanding in the 1960s was equivalent to what it is now.
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Knowing I’m autistic allows me to frame my experiences in a more positive way. I don’t think I’m stupid, or weird, or out of step with the rest of society. I recognise I belong to a neurominority. And I feel proud of autistic traits like honesty, altruism and social justice.
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Being openly autistic in a society where #autism is stigmatised and medicalised is also an act of rebellion and defiance. I see myself as part of an international resistance movement, working to overcome exclusion, oppression and exploitation and secure basic #HumanRights.
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