A LIST OF VERY GOOD BUGS I MET IN THE YEAR 2020: an essential thread (1/422)

This is Olive. She is a Vigilant Cadmium Beetle. She emerged early in the season with big plans but none of those worked out. That’s okay. It was a hard year and big plans can wait. She made it thru is what matters. Also she may look small but she is the size of a Kia Sorrento.

Meet Lucinda. She’s a Calligraphy Wasp, known for their lovely handwriting. She’s very friendly and doesn’t understand that people are scared of wasps. She’s more scared of them, to be honest. Because people are fucking goofy. Wave to Lucinda! Hello, Lucinda! You’re doing great!

Hello, Frank. Frank is a Golden Mustachioed Bramblebee. He has been working for a very long time on his mustache and hopes you like it. He is quite vigorous on Instagram and hopes to one day be an influencer helping you find fancy suitcases, pet accoutrements, and dipping sauces.

This is Jerome. Jerome is a Red-Legged Starhopper, one of the few astronaut bugs. Jerome’s jumps defy gravity. He’s a bit of a himbo, that Jerome. As airy as his travails through sky and space. He’s sweet, just uhhhh don’t ask him any hard questions, is what I’m saying.

here we havOH GODDAMNIT

YES WE SEE YOU YORICK

NO YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY SKITTLES

NO NOT MY REESE’S PIECES EITHER YOU FUCKING BIRD PIRATE

NOW GET OUT, THIS IS BUG TIME

GO ON

SHOO YOU SMUG FUCKER

Ah! It’s Skippy. They’re a Quad-Wing Flowerdancer 9000, a most excellent pollinator. But they find it a lot of pressure. All that flitting about. All the nectar sipping and pollen gathering. Skippy knows life is a lot of work; sometimes they’d rather just play Animal Crossing.

This is Aislinn. She’s a Cerulean Parkour Spider. Here she sits poised on the edge of greatness and yet, perhaps paradoxically, is afraid of success and so she remains paralyzed. She’s sorry about that. She’s also sorry she slept in your ear last night and had all those babies.

Oh gosh it’s Larry. Larry is an Orange Marmalade Bird. He looks pretty but he’ll fuck you up. Larry doesn’t take shit from anybody. I saw him beat king hell out of a guy for not wearing a mask. Which I mean, okay. But he knocked out the guy’s teeth. Then ate them. Jeez, Larry.

This is Dave, Dave is a Northern Petalfly and one day Dave dreams of beiiioooohh oh no abort abort just uhhhh ummm Dave is getting hugged probably that’s all this is

next tweet

*shakes phone*

NEXT TWEET

AHEM there we go. This is Wilgar, a Delicate Uranium Fly. Wilgar listens to trance while studying quantum photography. He’s very into smart drugs and claims to see ghosts. Wilgar presents an icy exterior but truly he just wants to be loved. Also, he just wants to eat garbage.

Oh wow, it’s Tulip, an Adamantium Patina Bee. Tulip is nigh-invulnerable and quite shiny but wishes they could be less visible, less OOH and AHH and all that. They seek a quiet life of books and tea but are cursed to this life of being bling. They tire of paparazzi. Look away!

Oh my, here’s STEVEN, a maple syrup bee, and he’s just a mess, this guy, always sticky. Get your life together, Steven! You’re lovely but we always have to clean up after you! Why are you always SO sticky? Oh it’s probably the maple syrup, isn’t it. Hm.

next and finally we have

OH FUCK OFF YORICK

YES YES MY WHAT A SPECIAL BIRD YOU ARE BUT YOU’RE NOT A BUG ARE YOU, NO, YOU’RE NOT

BIRDS GET ALL THE ATTENTION, YORICK, YOU PREENING FUCKSHIT, THE BUGS DESERVE THEIR TIME TOO

PISS OFF, SKITTLETAKER

Finally at last we have Patricia. She’s a Mildewed Frittilary. The year for her, like for many of us, has been a hard one. But she sees the new year as a chance to regain what was lost and do what the year denied her. And if you deny her this she will gleefully drink your tears.