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I keep hearing from Floridians who are furious @GovRonDeSantis and think he isn't imposing enough Covid restrictions. So I have a great deal for 1 lucky family that wants to get out of Florida! Let's switch houses 'til Covid is under control. A few things you should know: 
I live in St. Paul, MN. Nice house. Smallish but comfy. Great furniture, warm, terrific kitchen appliances. Firm mattress with down comforters. You'll feel right at home.
And @GovTimWalz is right on top of those Covid restrictions. We have no open bars or restaurants. Gyms are operating at less than 25%. Social distancing and masks -- my God, yes! We're great at those things.
Our Covid rates are rock-bottom. They were high for a while and you might think all these restrictions helped get the numbers down. But no. In fact, the numbers were already on the descent when we locked down again - just before Thanksgiving.
Lucky thing, we didn't have to close our schools. Because they were never open! In fact, kids in my city have been out of school since Mar 8 - before that big day when Trump canceled flights from Europe and shit got real - because our teachers were - ta da! - already on strike.
So we're safe and all. Except for those pesky riots. I mean, really, it goes back to the fact that our police KEEP KILLING UNARMED BLACK MEN. Jamar Clark, Philando Castile, George Floyd. Guess how many were found guilty? Did you guess 0? Well, you can see why people are pissed.
Maybe 200 businesses burned in my city over the summer. No worries. They were mostly just small ones, owned by small entrepreneurs and a lot of immigrants. Somali, Hmong. But that's OK. We have Target! CVS! Whole Foods!
But here's the thing about those places. We really are pros at social distancing, which means we line up very obediently outside and stand there for up to 40 minutes. I thought, back in fall, that someone would account for MN winter and set up heat lamps or at least canopies...
But no! What a surprise! It's 9 degrees with a wind chill around zero and we still line up, just like before, standing there with our masks on and our toes freezing 'til they just about fall off. No heat lamps at all. Joke's on us.
So back to crime - and the police. See, they didn't like it when we marched and called for change. So they aren't, let us say, speedy when it comes to chasing down crime. And whoa!! Do we have crime!
Murders, assaults and car jackings are up like 400-500%. It changes by the day. Might be 600% now, for all I know! (I took an afternoon off.) And you'll never guess who's committing a lot of those crimes, especially the car jackings. C'mon, can you guess...?
Ha! It's teenagers. The ones who haven't seen the inside of a classroom since 3/8. The ones who are failing their online classes at a rate of >40%. Oh, really I'm kidding. Most of those kids are among the 20% of students who never did show up online. Careless of them, right?
Cuz really, who knew some kids didn't have mobile devices and spotless broadband, a room and desk of their own at home, and a parent with a liberal arts education just aching to help them study? I mean, who could have predicted that?
So they're lining up for food, but the food banks can't keep up because you know social distancing, inside work, yada yada. Which means soooo many people are going hungry and kids - you know how they overreact! - have turned to theft.
So in summary, if someone from Florida would like to come here and take advantage of our low Covid transmission, I will be happy to swap. Now that I've warned you about the cold, the lines, the police, the murder, the car jackings, the schools. Oh! I forgot one thing....
The gunfire. It's frequent and can be irritating. A little hard to sleep at night. Other than that, though, everything is cool.
So any takers?
So any takers?
