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I just read this paper on loving with grace. I’m honestly surprised to find this down-to-earth, rich, unpretentious discussion of the difficulty of loving someone in an academic philosophy paper, but here we go.
https://philpapers.org/archive/YAOGAA.pdf
https://philpapers.org/archive/YAOGAA.pdf
At the core, the paper asks ‘if loving someone is about seeing them clearly for who they are, what do we do about the problem of loving the parts of them that are cowardly, or reckless, or cruel, or any other trait that isn’t quite ‘good’’?
It uses the example of a man who knows himself to be a drunk, a thief, and unreliable, and hides himself in shame from others, knowing this, because it seems like to be loved as he is demands that those who love him ignore or demand he change these aspects of himself.
I’ve thought a lot about this problem as I’ve discovered, being humbled by it many times, that loving someone ‘aspirationally’ or in the hope that they will change sucks for everyone involved.
They don’t feel seen, and you are always afraid they won’t change.
They don’t feel seen, and you are always afraid they won’t change.
The paper talks about loving as intertwined with attention; as in to love -is- to pay attention, and but damn this is so simple but obvious and I don’t know why I hadn’t seen it written anywhere like this before. Attentive love is the simplest, most beautiful kind.
So the solution to loving the parts of your beloveds that suck, that the author proposes, is something like—keep looking at them, keep paying attention, but with grace.
So what the hell is grace?
So what the hell is grace?
The technical description the author gives is something like ‘affection for another’s qualities’, even when those qualities are flawed. So you can have affection for someone’s temper, or dismissiveness, or disorganisation.
The author makes it clear that this is a combination of looking and still liking—that if you avoid looking, or you look but don’t like, it’s not the right thing. Sort of easy to describe, hard to describe how to do it.
I feel like I’ve only just tasted the very start of this, perhaps. For a time I was estranged from someone I loved, and then abruptly saw them again. And I could see all of these flaws they had, that I had perhaps never quite seen so clearly before—
Narcissism, childishness, moodiness—and my reaction was not anger as it had been, but, like, laughter? Something like ‘wow, they are a flawed as fuck human, but I had missed all of this before—they’re really just human and often ridiculous’. It lowered the stakes.
It’s hard to describe in words, but my feeling was one of relief and, like, poking fun at having taken myself and them so seriously, rather than anger at their supposed flaws. I think I trusted my view of reality more for having finally seen these things.
I found that the idea of accepting them with all of these ridiculous traits wasn’t hard; in fact it kind of gave me permission to be ridiculous and have these absurd traits show up in myself too.
And since then our relationship has become a zillion times better; still awkward, still with mistakes and toe-stepping and narcissism and moodiness and neediness and fear from both but—it’s ok? It’s just what’s happening? Idk. This was not the only factor but it seems to be one.
I don’t know if this is grace, but it was a very new experience and it’s the closest thing I’ve found to what the paper describes. For some reason, that one experience, & others since that have echoed it, have made it easier to see myself more clearly and to accept what I find.
This seems to be tied in to common wisdom like ‘don’t try to change them’ but it gives you something -to- do instead.
I’m very confused by how you actually develop grace. This didn’t feel like it happened within my control.
I’m very confused by how you actually develop grace. This didn’t feel like it happened within my control.
It does seem like now I’ve seen it literally once (if this is what it is) then it gives me something to point at to see whether I’m doing it in the future. For myself and others, because having grace towards myself is also an important process.
The paper is also beautifully written for an academic piece and uses some good examples from novels and films that make it feel a bit like reading an essay and not an academic journal article. H/t @add_hawk for the reference!
