Thread by @ochreheart, Still thinking about Minshan and A-Yao's early days in Japan after running [...]

Still thinking about Minshan and A-Yao's early days in Japan after running away...

JGY still being weakened from the poison and blood loss, SMS taking care of him... Both of them ending up pining but not wanting to say it

SMS doesn't want JGY to think this is something he expects in return for protecting him, JGY knows how deep SMS's loyalty is and doesn't want him to say yes out of obedience/because he feels like he has to do it

So there's like some kind of double power imbalance going both ways

But JGY is in dire need of some comfort. SMS held him, on the boat, to pass him some spiritual energy, but he was barely conscious back then.

And then one day as they're moving to another town (it's not prudent to stay in the same place for too long, so at first they move often), they stop at an inn for the night, but (dun-dun) there's only one single bed left.

It's winter, they're both cold and too tired to go look for another inn, plus they've been sleeping in the same room ever since they got here since it's safer to stay close. So they decide, why not, it's just one night (this way, both think, the other won't get uncomfortable)

They lie down a hand span apart, planning to leave early in the morning. During the night, Jin Guangyao briefly wakes up. For once, he feels safe and warm, held in a firm embrace. His eyelids barely flutter before he sinks back into a deep sleep.

They sleep for much longer than they'd planned. Su She is the first one to wake in the morning, and upon realizing he's holding Jin Guangyao, he tries to let go as discreetly as possible. But JGY, still half-asleep, snuggles closer.
"No... just a little longer..." he mumbles

It's a bit awkward when they finally wake up for good, but they end up staying a few more days. Jin Guangyao is still weak, so they can't keep traveling without rest. And, well, the room is nice, so there isn't really a need to request additional bedding, is it?

They don't actually talk about it, but once they start traveling again, they don't specifically ask for two beds at the next inn. It's just a mere bit of forgetfulness, there's no point in going back to bother the owner to change it, right?

And then it happens again and again and again. After all, since it's winter, why shouldn't they take advantage of any bit of warmth they can get?

Does it really matter if they no longer wait to drift off to sleep to embrace, that as soon as the candles are blown out or the light talisman extinguished, they quietly snuggle against one another, hands reaching out to close the distance?

Given the... particular nature of his marriage, Jin Guangyao thought that by now, the prospect of staying as far apart as possible from the one sharing his bed would not faze him. So why does his heart clench at the thought of spring?

He tells himself that at least he's lucky Su She would do that much for him, that even with all his secrets revealed, he would still not recoil from him. Still, Jin Guangyao finds himself wishing for a late spring, so that he can have this a bit longer.

Maybe he's being selfish, but he wants to keep having large, warm hands rub his back soothingly and to know there's someone he can hold on to when nightmares make him jolt awake, his heart hammering in his chest.

Soon, Jin Guangyao gets his wish, as the weather takes a turn for the worse. It would be unwise to brave the blizzard and snow, so all they can do is hunker down and wait.

This time, they have a house for themselves, in a small village. It's tiny (not that this has ever bothered JGY) but well-cared for, and people didn't ask too many questions when two travellers asked for a place to stay at until the weather got better.

JGY rests. He sleeps, a lot. He sips tea, wrapped in warm blankets. It's calm, here. He should feel at ease, warm, safe and comfortable.

He hates it.

At least when they were moving from town to town, they were so busy trying to hide their tracks, to stay discreet should someone come after them, that he did not have time to think about... about everything that led to them being here.

He knows this is a good opportunity to heal (he's lucky, the poison did no lasting damage to his core. He'll recover, from that at least), but everything is catching up to him. He feels angry. He feels sick.

Now that he has what he wanted, a warm presence by his side, he can't help but think, how long will this last before he's cast aside again? He shouldn't, he knows Minshan's loyalty, but he's seen how flimsy "unbreakable" bonds can be.
How can he pretend to know another's heart?

He hates feeling weak, hates finding himself depending on the mercy of others again and again, finding his life upended, never his own.

Minshan seems to understand. He gives him space when JGY wants to be left alone (but JGY always finds an extra blanket left close by, should he need it), but he always answers when he's needed.

Of course they argue sometimes. Su She wants to help, always ready to do anything, but Jin Guangyao doesn't want to be treated like he can't do anything himself. It feels stifling, sometimes.
Still, neither wants to part with the other.

But no matter what, when Jin Guangyao needs it, Su She's arms are wide open for him, ready to shelter him from the world. Even when thoughts of Lan Xichen caused his heartache.

However, guilt weighs heavy on Su She. He knows it's wrong, but he can't feel but feel his heart soar whenever he holds Jin Guangyao. What kind of friend is he, to harbor such feelings?

*can't help
holy shit I thought I'd corrected this typo already

After everything JGY has been through, he should feel safe here, not have to worry that someone may try to take advantage of him when he's vulnerable. So he can never know

What Su She wants above all is for Jin Guangyao to get better, to thrive and enjoy his second chance to the fullest, to genuinely smile again. Su She doesn't need any more than this

With time, things evolve again and the two find themselves growing closer even during the day. More and more often, they'll end up snuggling with each other, sitting by the hearth, or Jin Guangyao will lean back against Su She as he reads a book.

They don't discuss it. Both are too afraid of shattering this new sort of relationship if they were to acknowledge its existence.

Even the mightiest blizzard is no match for spring. Snow melts, and they march on. They leave the small house behind, but not their feelings.

The thaw has brought new dangers with it, though.
Really, it was long overdue. Two people traveling on their own, with one visibly unwell judging by his gait? It's no wonder they would come across bandits sooner or later.

The fight is short, but messy. In the end, Jin Guangyao is pale but unharmed, and Su She barely has a scratch on him. Nanping clatters as it falls to the ground, Su She's hand suddenly shaking too much to hold it. His robes are covered in so much blood.

It doesn't even look like they were sent by Nie Huaisang, they just randomly targeted two travelers passing by. There's no reason to be so shaken. Has this winter interlude made them so soft that mere thieves would upset them so?

Jin Guangyao is trembling too, but his grip is steady as he pulls Su She off the path, to the dip in the forest soil where the men were presumably lying in wait, hidden from view. He's not sure how, but suddenly he's sitting down, his face pressed against Jin Guangyao's shoulder.

There's a hand on the back of his neck, rubbing up and down in repetitive circles. He should move away. He's probably getting blood all over Jin-zongzhu, his face feels wet.

They shouldn't stay here, it's not safe, but... he doesn't want to let go. He feels like he'll shatter if he tries to stand up. He's trying to breathe, but it's like the air isn't reaching his lungs at all.

He probably makes for a fairly pathetic sight, but if so, Jin Guangyao doesn't seem to mind. Instead, he softly pats his back, murmuring soothing words probably meant both for himself and for Su She.

So Su She gives in and leans into the embrace. It's okay. They're fine, they're alive. They can stay like this, just for a moment.

It takes a bit longer, but his breathing finally evens out. Jin Guangyao's shaking stills, and they stay like this for a while, slumped against each other, taking long, deep breaths.

Eventually though, they have to pull away and assess the damage. Su She'd robes are torn and covered in blood, but the wound on his arm is shallow and no longer bleeding. He'll need to change if they want to avoid attracting attention to them.

At least Jin Guangyao's clothes are dark enough that what little blood got on him will go unnoticed.
Thankfully, they have extra clothing in their qiankun bags, and enough water to clean his face and hands with without having to search for a stream or a clean enough puddle

Su She has to change right there, it wouldn’t be wise to wander off without Jin Guangyao. Still, even though there is no person he trusts more than him, it feels… strange to undress where he can see.

After spending close to fifteen years making sure no one ever had a chance to get a glimpse at his scars, the habit is hard to shake off. Turning his back, he peels off the various layers, cursing at how the blood has soaked through, until he’s standing half-naked.

Thankfully, his pants were spared the worst of the damage. Were it not for his golden core, he would probably be shivering by now from the early spring chill, but even then, he still feels the prickle of goosebumps forming on his skin, as if someone’s gaze was fixated on him.

...Right, he should probably hurry up. There’s no telling who or what else might be lurking in the woods right now. He quickly pulls on some clean robes and turns back. Jin Guangyao is still sitting down in the same place, politely averting his gaze.

The rest of the trip is mercifully free of interruptions of a similar kind, and soon enough they're settling for the night at an inn. Wanting to fully wipe themselves clean of the earlier events, they arrange for a bathtub to be brought to their room.

It's much more convenient to bathe in private than at a public bath, after all. Su She is used to make do with a washcloth and a basin, preferring to stay clothed in front of others for obvious reasons, but he has to admit there's nothing quite like a long, warm soak.

He politely turns down JGY's offer to share the tub. He knows the reason behind it, it would be quicker and more practical, but this would feel... way too intimate for him. He'd rather not have his body betray what he's working hard to suppress.

So he just helps him put his hair up, then retreats behind the screen separating the room to give him some space.
It's not very long before JGY comes out, changes into sleeping robes and stumbles to the bed. He looks tired, probably from the emotions of the day catching up to him

The bath is still warm enough that Su She gets to enjoy it for a while. After making sure that he's scrubbed away every last bit of blood and dust, he closes his eyes to just enjoy the water and think of pleasant things.

On the other side of the screen, the sounds of tossing and turning have ceased. JGY has likely fallen asleep already. SS cannot help but smile at the thought of him curled up under the covers.

He wants to touch him all over to feel his warmth, to kiss away the tension between his brows, to bury his face in his soft, fragrant hair.
He even dares to wonder what it would feel like to kiss him like a lover would, what kind of sounds he would make, how he would taste

Su She takes a deep breath, playing out the fantasy in his mind for a moment, thinking of being kissed and pushed down by Jin Guangyao. He feels warmer now, and definitely not only from the bath. And it seems that some parts of him are getting a little too excited...

He lets his hand stray under the water, letting it rest on his thigh. Should he...?
It's been a long time, he hasn't had the time or opportunity for anything of the sort in ages. And even before, he'd forgone any form of intimacy to avoid accidentally revealing his curse.

He'd do the same if he had to do it all over again, but now, being so close to JGY... it's doing things to him.
Maybe if he's very quiet, he won't wake and hear? But at the same time, it feels wrong. He'd be mortified if JGY ended up overhearing him,

and he doesn't want to make him uncomfortable just because he couldn't control himself. It's probably better to meditate away his arousal and go to sleep, and if it comes back during the night he can just pass it off as morning wood.

Su She closes his eyes and focuses on circulating his qi, trying to get his body back under control. At least he can thank the Lan sect's teachings about restraint and avoiding overindulgence in base pleasures, though he was always a terrible student in that regard.

At last, his body finally calms down enough to let him get out of the tub and change into his nightclothes before crawing under the covers next to JGY, who looks fast asleep.

He settles close to him (but not too close) and, as if to make up for not hugging him tonight, he takes JGy's hand in his and laces their fingers together. It doesn't take long before it's a struggle to keep his eyes open, and he soon drifts off to sleep.

The sun is barely risen when Su She wakes, pulled out of his slumber by a gut feeling that something is wrong. A quick scan of the room reveals no intruder, which is a relief, at least. Finally his gaze falls on Jin Guangyao, who lies curled up on his side.

At a glance, he looks just like any sleeping person would, but Su She suddenly realizes that he's shivering, his breath coming through in short gasps. He reaches out to touch his shoulder, and finds that JGY'S robes are damp with sweat.

Concerned, Su She gets up from the bed and kneels next to JGY, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead. Like he suspected, he feels hot to the touch. The stress from the previous day was probably too much, especially if he already felt a little unwell.

Jin Guangyao groans and opens his eyes with visible difficulty, looking at Su She with confusion.
"S'rry" he slurs out, half his face still shoved into the pillow, "I don't feel good. It's too cold here".
Su She just sighs and squeezes his shoulder comfortingly.

"Sh, go back to sleep. You've got a fever, we're not moving out today".
Jin Guangyao makes a noise that he supposes can be taken as an sign of agreement, before attempting to bury himself deeper under the covers.

Leaving JGY alone a second, Su She goes and provides the innkeeper with enough money to cover several more days at the inn, as well as instructions to bring up light meals suitable for a sick person, before hurrying back upstairs.

Thankfully, there's still enough medicine in their bags to help JGY fight off his ailment, as otherwise SS would have to leave him to go buy some, or pass the errand to an inn worker and hope not to be cheated out of his money and given inferior product.

Still, there's only so much medicine can do for JGY, whose weaker core means that he's bound to still suffer from simple afflictions. In this case, there isn't much to do but wait, so Su She sits by the bed, playing soothing tunes meant to encourage restful sleep.

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