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I know a lot of high productivity folks who are struggling to not punish themselves for not being as productive in 2020.
So for those of us who KNOW we need to not lean into toxic productivity culture but are having trouble reframing, here is a thread. WITH PIE CHARTS. https://twitter.com/kleenestar/status/1344301897419796483
So for those of us who KNOW we need to not lean into toxic productivity culture but are having trouble reframing, here is a thread. WITH PIE CHARTS. https://twitter.com/kleenestar/status/1344301897419796483
So. In the before times, us "high producers" prided ourselves on being able to juggle a LOT and still Get Lots of Shit Done. We had A Fucking System and it fucking worked for us.
Before the pandemic, here's a rough breakdown of what my mental bandwidth allocation looked like:
Before the pandemic, here's a rough breakdown of what my mental bandwidth allocation looked like:
(Sidebar: the fact that with 4 mental illness diagnoses, the mental illness portion of the pie was so small was a huge victory. I had to do A LOT of work for A BUNCH of years to reclaim that much bandwidth.)
Contrast that with bandwidth right after the pandemic. I did NOTHING that first month except keep myself and my kid alive
Because! There was a huge crisis that removed literally all of the things that recharge me while also making me fear for the life and safety of me & family
Because! There was a huge crisis that removed literally all of the things that recharge me while also making me fear for the life and safety of me & family
Look at all the things that disappeared from chart 1 to chart 2!! No work, no roleplaying, no conventions, no gaming, no parenting, no theater. Everything that ADDED bandwidth vaporized.
It's like my brain went from high-speed to dialup, and...
It's like my brain went from high-speed to dialup, and...
The remaining bandwidth was occupied with tasks necessary for survival - keep myself and kid alive.
Over time, as this became the new normal, the screaming got quieter and freed up a small amount of bandwidth I could use to add in activities that add bandwidth.
Over time, as this became the new normal, the screaming got quieter and freed up a small amount of bandwidth I could use to add in activities that add bandwidth.
That amount of available bandwidth was still very small, so I focused on things that would recharge/add more bandwidth. I also set a hard boundary about not doing ANYTHING that would take more mental energy than it gave back.
The other thing that helped was realizing that that INTERNAL SCREAMING was still also ACTUALLY IMPORTANT WORK that was happening in the background without me being entirely aware of it.
(Although some of it was still just screaming)
(Although some of it was still just screaming)
So when you revisit that April pie chart, suddenly that ~40% mental screaming is more like 10% mental screaming and 90% vital cognitive work, which is pretty comparable to my pre-pandemic breakdown, yeah?
Realizing that INTERAL SCREAMING was actually invisible background processes that were way more adaptive than not was super helpful, actually. It helped me give myself space when I was having a "nothing productive is going to happen today" kind of day.
Over time, as I optimized parenting strategies, found ways to meet the kids needs, processed Big Feelings, the bandwidth occupied by The Screaming went down.
It took a few months of work to be able to get back into the groove, but I'm back to about 60% of my pre-pandemic output.
It took a few months of work to be able to get back into the groove, but I'm back to about 60% of my pre-pandemic output.
So these days, my bandwidth map looks more like this (below).
Over the course of 2020, I went from having 1 productive day in 5, to 4 productive days to 3 non-productive days, to 5 productive days for every 1.5 non-productive days.
Over the course of 2020, I went from having 1 productive day in 5, to 4 productive days to 3 non-productive days, to 5 productive days for every 1.5 non-productive days.
Did I meet all of my goals for 2020? Fuck no! This was going to be the year that I reclaimed joy and shook off the last bad habits of trauma and abusive friendships! lolololol
But it's okay, because STAYING SANE AND ALIVE was vital, important, but mostly invisible work.
But it's okay, because STAYING SANE AND ALIVE was vital, important, but mostly invisible work.
The screaming will still probably eat a good amount of bandwidth in 2021 too, and that's okay. I'm still operating on the challenge mode of being a parent during a pandemic while literally all of the things that most recharge me are out of bounds.
But anyway, the tl;dr is that reframing that INTERNAL SCREAMING as Actually Vital And Productive Work has been hugely helpful in helping me not feel like a failure. And it has made me more proud of the things that I HAVE managed to achieve.
Hopefully that helps.
Hopefully that helps.
