I used to think that I could help people have healthy marriages simply by teaching what healthy was.
But that isn’t enough. You can’t pour new wine into old wineskins. It doesn’t work. You can’t build something healthy on a shaky foundation.

A thread of examples:

If women believe the obligation sex message, that they must have sex if their husbands want it, then no amount of teaching about women’s sexual pleasure is going to help. Sex has become about duty and obligation where her needs are erased. She'll never enjoy sex then.

If couples believe the husband should make the final decision & she's being disrespectful or unsubmissive if she speaks up, then no amount of teaching about healthy conflict resolution is going to help. They both will already be prioritizing his needs and deprioritizing hers.

If couples feel that keeping the marriage together no matter what is what glorifies God, then both will feel in sin if they bring up issues. If he brings up something & she reacts badly, he's wrecked the marriage.

If we believe the only way he can quit porn is if she gives sex on demand, their sex life will become empty, shallow, and degrading. They have already changed the very nature of sex. It is no longer the biblical “knowing”. How can she be excited about being used?

And this is the problem that we face.

We cannot build something healthy until we first demolish that which is dangerous.

So that's what I'm doing on the blog--scattering stones so we can gather them together again.
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2020/12/cant-rebuild-without-knocking-down-first/