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Since I can remember, I haven’t identified with gender. It has always seemed non-applicable and not real for me. As a child, I would refer to myself as a ‘tom boy’ because that was the only language I had to discuss this phenomenon with others.
I came to discover that being a tom boy is cute for small children but I was expected to cut it out as I matured and ‘be a lady’—a phrase I often guffawed at. I then adopted the term androgynous and looked up to glam gender bender idols like Grace Jones and David Bowie.
Being from a rural community, I didn’t see queerness on any level as acceptable and gender was highly policed. Since my peers had known one another before kindergarten, I was able to slip through the cracks and be an accepted anomaly. I was also fiercely outspoken which helped.
As a young adult, that I am nonconforming was kept for only my closest friends. It wasn’t so much a secret as I thought everyone would be nonconforming and attracted to all bodies, if not for social conditioning. I was very into Judith Butler and gender as performative acts.
When I moved to Asia, I worked at an international school. I didn’t wear makeup or shave my body hair. I wore professional clothing such as suits, the same that I wore in classrooms in the US.
I was frequently reprimanded for not being “pretty enough” and told that the students were complaining about my unfeminine appearance. I had to be femme or be fired.
I was very upset but bent to these demands to keep my working visa. For the first time I realized that being femme is a passport—emphasis on the ‘pass’. I could live relatively unbothered or questioned by people about my appearance. So I went on that way for years.
When I moved to SF, my partner kept asking me about my pronouns and I brushed it off as unnecessary because that’s what’s the world around me always reflected. That I was making a fuss or it should be kept to myself. “Be a good girl. There’s no need to make a big deal of it.”
So that’s what I did. When I entered this industry, I did the same. I created what I thought to be the most palatable blonde femme to attract the lowest common denominator of men. I also have no idea how to market myself in an authentic way but that’s another story entirely 
I was told by SW peers a litany of things I mustn’t do or I’d risk business. Have long hair, look expensive, don’t talk with this or that person, this looks cheap, that will brand you alternative, don’t talk politics, etc. it’s endless and exhausting. “Be a good girl. Perform.”
I grew resentful of this persona. She received so much praise for the gendered identity that I struggled against my entire life. It was confusing and I knew that to continue here, I would need to breathe myself into Adrienne.
Of all the reasons to come out, I was hosting a webinar on #Zoom during the #pandemic and I asked participants to add pronouns. I thought ‘wtf just go for it’ and typed they/them. It was a really explosive small moment.
I came out as gender nonconforming at the age of 31.
I came out as gender nonconforming at the age of 31.
I struggle without pronouns because grammatically they/them isn’t my favorite BUT it does acknowledge that I’m outside of the gendered space which I like.
I hope to have pronouns that feel perfect one day, for now, they/them is most appreciated and I will respond to she/her
I hope to have pronouns that feel perfect one day, for now, they/them is most appreciated and I will respond to she/her
