as we prepare for the start of training camp, here is a very brief rundown of the minuscule number of things that have changed with the penguins since the end of the 2019-20 playoffs in case you weren't paying attention (1/30+)
spoilers: we do not win the stanley cup! in fact, we are eliminated from the playoffs on Sidney Crosby's birthday
august 10th: we don't win the draft lottery, and we decide to keep our conditional 1st-round pick from the Zucker trade. that means the Wild get our 2021 1st-rd pick (unprotected). but it's okay because we have a 1st-rd draft pick!
august 12th: Sergei Gonchar, Jacques Martin, and Mark Recchi are gone
august 17th: Malkin has left elbow surgery and ZAR has left shoulder surgery. unsurprising because the 2019-20 team was held together with stick tape and the hot fudge they also use to make jake shakes
august 21st: we still have a first round pick! it's exhilarating, right? we sign a college free agent with a badass name (Josh Maniscalco). while he doesn't make the cut for "notable bearers" of the name on the Wikipedia page, the "Italiana Beyonce" does, which is enough for me
august 25th: I hope you enjoyed that 1st-rd pick because it's gone! now we have Kasperi Kapanen (remember him?), Pontus Aberg, and Jesper Lindgren. Goodbye to Evan Rodrigues (for now), David Warsofsky, Filip Hallander, and the 2020 1st rd draft pick! https://twitter.com/Sid_Seixeiro/status/1180666430762688513?s=20
august 26th: one day later, Kapanen's girlfriend spends an evening arguing with fans on Twitter, Logan Couture is sucker-punched, and Marchessault spends the night fighting with fans in his Instagram comments. This was an all-time day for hockey twitter. https://twitter.com/dameofscones/status/1298623596131160066
august 28th: we re-sign Chad Ruhwedel, but you wouldn't be able to guess based on the fact all of the replies to the tweet are asking to trade Jack Johnson instead of celebrating Chad's nice bald head
september 1st: it's been a couple of weeks since the last time someone had surgery or got hurt, so now it's Crosby's turn to have wrist surgery
september 2nd: we continue to stick to Names We Recognize and People We Know and hire Todd Reirden & Mike Vellucci as assistant coaches
september 5th: Juuso is back for another season of hopefully not playing as a winger for a few games because so many players on our team are injured
september 11th: in the interest of not keeping the same roster for more than 14 days at a time, we trade Bjugstad to Minnesota
september 18th: in response to rumors of McCann being traded, GMJR keeps his petty streak alive and signs him to a 2-year contract. His ability to quickly sub in visually for Jake Guentzel is rumored to be a critical piece of this contract. https://twitter.com/dameofscones/status/1217247001970184197?s=20
september 23rd: Patric Hornqvist's trade to the Panthers leaks, but there is a "glitch"
September 24th: The glitch is un-glitched and Hornqvist heads to the Panthers for Mike Matheson and Colton Sceviour https://twitter.com/mattvensel/status/1309553765419290631
there is subsequent TwiTtEr DrAmA over whether or not Hornqvist threw his gear in his driveway in a fit of rage or if he was simply airing it out after skating like a normal person
october 3rd: we re-sign nhl all-star Tristan Jarry
october 5th: we finally do it! we buy out Jack Johnson! savor this feeling and joke about Jim using the money to sign another player like Cody Ceci and laugh because that won't happen https://twitter.com/dameofscones/status/1313160041692831747?s=20
october 7th: again, we can't go more than two weeks without doing anything! goodbye to Matt Murray, his lovely wife, and their two big floofy dogs. we get Jonathan Gruden and a 2020 second-round draft pick in return.
october 8th: we extended Lafferty's contract
october 9th: the ny rangers sign Jack Johnson and "character...etc." are big factors
october 9th: did you miss Evan Rodrigues? he's back! this time on a one-year contract.

we also give one-year contracts to Mark Jankowski and Josh Currie (two-way)
now UFAs: Justin Schultz, Philip Varone (WBS), Thomas Di Pauli (WBS), Dominik Simon, Graham Knott (ECHL), Patrick Marleau, Kevin Roy (WBS), John Nyberg (WBS), Conor Sheary, Adam Johnson (WBS), and Riley Barber (WBS)
october 9th: Schultz signs a 2-year, $8 million contract with the Caps
october 10th: we re-sign Anthony Angello and sign Frederick Gaudreau and Maxime Lagace to one-year, two-way contracts.
notably: https://twitter.com/chigurrh/status/1314933135361085442?s=20
october 13th: notable long-time pittsburgh penguin Patrick Marleau signs with the Sharks
october 17th: we re-sign Sam Miletic (2-way)

now let's just take a deep breath!
october 17th: we do it. we shouldn't have joked about it because we turn around and do it! this is what happens when we joke about things. we turn around and spend $1.25 million.
october 21st: we can't keep away from players with the same first and last initials, so we sign Shane Starrett to an AHL contract
october 22nd: the flames sign Simon to a one-year deal for $700K, which is good because ZAR already stole his number a couple of days ago
october 29th: the penguins assure us that the first three words we see will define 2021, but unfortunately there are almost no words, which is somehow appropriate
november 16th: our reverse retro jerseys are here so they force sidney crosby to learn how to use tiktok to promote them
december 4th: we sign Kyle Olson to an AHL contract
december 6th: we sign Jordan Nolan to an AHL contract
december 8th: move along, nothing to see here https://twitter.com/TSNHockey/status/1336325412801052673
december 22nd: Conor Sheary signs a one-year, $735,000 contract as a free agent with the Washington Capitals. no word as to whether or not they signed conor sheery or conor sharey
december 23rd: we got a schedule! https://twitter.com/penguins/status/1341842493629992963?s=20
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