As a couples therapist I have some thoughts on the Bridgerton series and the issues around consent with Daphne and Simon

TW: sexual assault

The regency period was basically purity culture on steroids. We know lack of information around sex is problematic and the obsession with virginity just gross.

Many are calling the relationship between Simon and Daphne as being full of issues when it comes to consenting to sex

From the get go, daphne is given zero information about what sex is or how procreation works. She is at the mercy of Simon to teach her and trusts him to care for her

He says he can’t have children. She desperately wants them. He practices “coitus interruptus” because he does not want children but never explains to her what he is doing or why.

Daphne learns that semen is what causes pregnancy and realizes that her husbands practice of pulling out may not be normal and doesn’t add up with his whole “can’t have children” thing.

She tests out her theory that her husband is lying and purposely trying to prevent pregnancy vs being unable to impregnate her. She jumps on top and hubby promptly loses it and in the heat of things isn’t able to pull out.

He suddenly looks horrified and she is pissed. His rouse is up and others are calling rape. Daphne is being called the rapist here and I have some thoughts on this.

She has so little information and has been manipulated and deceived all along

I don’t know if her Limited knowledge of the conjugal act can justify her being dubbed the rapist here. She is a woman without much agency in a society where knowledge is purposely withheld and consent for women is hardly existent.

Simon was in the position of power here. He was the only one in possession of all the facts and purposely withheld information from his partner. He never told her he didn’t want children because he knew she wouldn’t consent if he presented that way

In this context and series she does not appear to be forceful or coercive. Their shared understanding was that children were wanted but unable to be produced. The information daphne had to go on makes her actions neutral in my view, not malicious.

In 2020 in normal contexts if one partner wanted children and the other didn’t and it was fully understood by both where each stood and one purposely made conception a possibility and sabotaged contraception that is absolutely assault

But a girl with no sex Ed. Who tries to gain some agency and problem solve why her husband is lying and withholding information from her by not jumping off and allowing her husband to finish inside her doesn’t seem to be the villain to me, not in 1813 at least.

Would it have been better to sit down and have a conversation about it and understand why he was pulling out be more ideal, definitely. But being raised in a culture where sex is completely off limits, even to talk about is another power differential that makes it hard for women

So yes, in 2020 if a partner is being weird in regards to sex and contraception then talking about it is the better option. Purity culture makes that super hard and disempowering for some still today and especially back in 1813 which is why I can’t write daphne off as a rapist

Basically women need knowledge and information around sex to be able to consent and have agency.

Men need to (and be taught to) communicate their wants and needs around sex and can’t be mad at partners when we can’t mind read when they avoid or withhold information from us.

This show intersects with purity culture and the woman is being labeled the bad guy without the context of the 19th century being taken into account and I have some feelings about it.

If you’ve stuck around this long and have seen the show I want to hear your thoughts too.