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I’m awake and stewing in my own thoughts. I hate it. Tonight something happened, which it does every few years:
I had a realisation I will never have my own children.
One flippant comment is all it took. “You don’t understand what it’s like.”
I would love to know. I may never.
I had a realisation I will never have my own children.
One flippant comment is all it took. “You don’t understand what it’s like.”
I would love to know. I may never.
I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. For the children I will never have with my wonderful partner, @Jmosley_history. For the challenges we’ll face to have children, one way or another. For the ache I feel inside for children to be part of our future. For the fear this may not happen.
To have children we’ll likely adopt and I will love those children as fiercely as if they are biologically ours. But, and it’a a big but, I resent that we will have to prove beyond doubt that we are good people who deserve to be parents when it is so easy for others.
I resent the small but undeniable chance that we may be rejected. That we have to lay ourselves bare and hope someone deems us good enough. That there are some people who don’t deserve to be parents, who will have them anyway without a panel of people judging them first.
Then, I hate that feeling of resentment. I know the importance of the adoption process. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel guilt about the way I feel, it’s a vicious cycle, and I run in circles with my thoughts. Now I can’t sleep.
One flippant comment is all it took.
One flippant comment is all it took.
Why am I tweeting this? I guess because I want people to understand the grief gay men can feel. To understand the emptiness the prospect of childlessness can bring. And I don’t want people to underestimate the longing we can feel for children to be a part of our lives. 
Finally, the person who said this is wonderful and I love them fiercely. They instantly regretted it and I know they wish things could be easier for me. They were under strain and it came out, it is what it is. They were mortified and made amends, they’re already forgiven. 
