A SERIES OF GOOD BIRDS I MET IN 2020: a vital thread (1/376)

This is Molly. She is a pointy-peaked boobrat, but she aspires to be a soup dumpling. As evidenced here, where she is definitely cosplaying as a soup dumpling. The heart wants what the heart wants.

This is Storg. He is a crimson bishopwing. Pretends to understand sudoku but definitely doesn’t. Likes to yell movie spoilers at you from across the yard. But he has a good heart and is trying to be better.

Janice, a tempestuous turquoise collarbird. Janice has had a rough day. All her baby birbs are in virtual learning and it’s hard because their tree gets shitty wi-fi. Janice has seen some shit. Janice needs a break but will not get one. She dreams of migrating to San Diego.

Peyton is a blush-capped knockerwhacker. Most of these birds are loud drunks but Peyton is shy and reserved, an introvert who asks that you pretend not to see him. Do him this favor and he will pretend not to see you. For Peyton, this is a fair trade. You should take it.

This is Carl Wartosiewicz, a northern speckle-bellied cranktail. Carl knows what you did. And he’s fucking pissed about it. Expect an angry email. And maybe a dead squirrel in your mailbox. Carl is repressing some stuff.

Meet Walt. He’s a 77-year-old Pine Barrens Parrot. He’s the size of a canned ham. That’s biology, not judgment. He still reads the TV Guide and likes spaghetti with hot dogs and ladybugs in it. He is a bird of simple pleasures and judges you for your ostentatious ways.

Speaking of ostentatious, here is Japertha, a Golden Twit. Some say she’s bad with money but really she’s just a bird and all birds are bad with money. Japertha does enjoy being fancy. She longs for a night out at some tree hollow speakeasy. She cannot hold her liquor.

THIS IS YORICK AND HE IS A FUCKING SKITTLE THIEF. GIVE ME BACK MY CANDY YOU FANCY-HEADED FUCKBIRD. LOOK AT HIM THERE. WITH ONE OF MY SKITTLES. SUCH A PROUD ASSHOLE WITH HIS COOL SLICKED BACK HAIR AND HIS BANDIT MASK. WHAT A DICK.

This is Grimelda, an East Anglian jade-backed twirlbeak. She is different from other birds and fears they are judging her. But the other birds are in awe of her and fear that SHE is judging THEM. She hasn’t yet realized folks are mostly in their own heads and up their own asses.

Please to meet Bimbim. Bimbim is a black-backed scoot-scoot. They cling to the branch because the world feels overwhelming right now and it is hard to move. It is in fact a lot of pressure just to exist. Bimbim will be all right, but it will take time. Be patient with them.

And now, Torvald. Torvald is a Mystical Orb Sparrow. Torvald likes the color yellow. Torvald’s friends think it’s “a bit much” but tbqh he should just tell them to get fucked. Like what you like, Torvald. Find friends who want you to be happy.

This is Miriam. She’s a bloody-headed rapture crow. She has a heart that sings of carrion. She also has a heart that sings Huey Lewis and the News songs. That’s okay. No judgment here, Miriam. Oh also she knows how you die.

YEAH WE ALL FUCKING SEE YOU YORICK YOU PIECE OF SHIT

WHERE IS MY CANDY YOU BELLIGERENT CLOACAFACE

This is... Gordon? Gary? He’s a — a bluebird? Fuck I dunno. He’s very mysterious. I think he’s a ninja. He’s very serious, that much is clear.

This is Florp. Florp is a Southern fuzzneck. They know you want to use them as a pillow. It is their lot in life, to be cozy, to be soft, to be everyone else’s comfort. They are the hobbits of birds. But who can *they* turn to for comfort? Hm? Hmm??

And finally, our 376th bird, this is Leelee. She’s a North American Mascara Raptor. She has a tiny beak suited for stealing the eyes out of those who talk down to her. Of those who dismiss her. Of those who refuse to see her. She has stolen many eyes. She will steal many more.

I hope you enjoyed this thread of GOOD BIRDS OF 2020 and oh shit

GODDAMNIT YORICK YOU SLICK BASTARD WHERE ARE MY SKITTLES

OH JUST LOOKIT HIM

SITTING THERE

SO PROUD OF HIS REIGN OF CANDY TERROR

YOU FUCKING SKY BRIGAND GIVE ME BACK MY TREATS

FUCKER