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for the first time i voiced out loud that being fat, black, and dark skin makes most men see right through me. i’m not a potential sex object so i have no value. but thinking about it, most people look right through me. (a thread)
for men, i don’t mean they don’t want to date me.
they don’t want me to exist.
they don’t speak to me, look at me, or acknowledge me in groups.
they don’t want me to exist.
they don’t speak to me, look at me, or acknowledge me in groups.
i was once at a party, standing with two friends (both women) and a man walked up, introduced himself individually to both of them, and said nothing to me. when my presence was noted by my friend, he said hello like it was an afterthought
and if they do see me. it is an immediate and violent sexualization completely erased from my personhood and meant to humiliate me. it started as early as when i was 10.
or they hate me. again, in a group outside of a club, a friend said “fuck men”. a man turned to me specifically to try and start a fight saying “me and my friends were just talking about fuck all women” i was not the one who said it and he ONLY looked at me until he left
and i don’t get defended. i defend. i’m expected to to fight not just for myself in these situations but for everyone involved and i do it because not only am i fat, black, and dark skin but i’m tall. i’m the most physically intimidating person so it defaults to me.
i’m read as angry and aggressive and treated as such so i’ve leaned into it to protect people i care about from time to time and no one does the same for me because, and this is the part that HURTS, they can’t see it.
even the people closest to me don’t notice, tell me i’m reading too much into it, overreacting and do it themselves. i’ve had to TEACH almost everyone i know to listen and care for me time and time again and i’m exhausted.
Like in my bones I am in pain and exhausted to see the people who hurt and ignored me, even if i love them and even if they’ve grown, read their radical books, post insta activism on their story, and say black lives matter.
i am a black life and i am right in front of you and you have hurt me in ways you will never understand because you can’t because you’re. not. in. my. hated. body.
all this to say. existing in this body sucked for a very long time and still sucks sometimes but it is not because how i feel about myself but for the love of god just protect the black people in front of you. not when we’re dead or after the fact. NOW.
if u feel called out don’t hmu asking if this is about you. assume it is and sit with it.
