Done a bit of driving over the holidays. This has, obviously, made me a leading and most credible expert in the rules governing Zimbabwean highway driving (it’s a special type of driving)
I have decided to share these rules with you, the uninformed masses

#Thread

Rule Number 1: Speed - you have the fastest car. Since you were a kid, growing up in the fabled dusty streets of (*insert appropriate hood with dusty streets*), you always told people; ‘one day I’ll drive the fastest car in Africa’. Now, people must see you living the dream

2. Overtaking: because of (Rule 1), it is inevitable you’ll have to overtake. Be aware that the sections most recommended for executing this inevitable manoeuvre include, but not limited to; blind rises and blind curves, 5 metres from the toll gates etc

3. Continuous/solid white lines: These lines drawn in the middle of the road? They mean nothing. It was probably because the roadwork guys had a surplus like Mthuli and decided to liberally apply white paint continuously for no reason whatsoever. Just overtake

4. Should you attempt to overtake multiple vehicles, against oncoming traffic, the drivers you were overtaking are OBLIGED to allow you to brake & squeeze back into the safe lane. I mean... Why can’t people brake & let you squeeze in? Do they want a head-on collision? Idiots!

5. When driver in front of you is leaving a gap with the car in front of them, it’s not because they’ve the basic good sense to observe the old ‘safe following distance’ rule. Why waste land? No. That gap, my friend, has been exclusively left for you to overtake and slide into

6: When driving at night, make sure to use the full glare of your headlamps as liberally as possible. Don’t worry about blinding other drivers. Why are they on the road at night even?

7. Who drives while sober? Is it not scientifically proven that one’s ocular capacity improves when they drive while inebriated by liquefied substances of a mildly intoxicating nature? A stop at every bottle store is mandatory, especially at the particularly seedy Ngundu Halt

Lastly: Now, should, somehow, another car crash into you as you observed these basic highway rules, it was NOT your driving. It’s one of the following; witchcraft by people from your mother’s side trying to delay your divine destiny, the stolen election, skipping your tithe.