Happy no-man’s week! If the final days of the holidays have you feeling numb, exhausted, purposeless or triggered (this time can be very triggering of past trauma) take a moment to reflect and listen to your past versions of self. Is there a part of you that needs to be heard?

2/ Is there a child or teen version of you that feels neglected or hurt or has unresolved feelings around holidays of the past? Was being with (or not being with) family particularly hard this year? Or has a recent loss or life event changed what you knew as normal this year?

3/ All such feelings are so understandable at a time of childhood wonder and family tradition. Maybe you have lost traditions that once felt important to you and you feel unmoored. Maybe you lost people that made this time of year special and doing it w/out them feels hollow.

4/ Maybe you were alone and isolated, and so feelings of worthlessness, abandonment and non-belonging crept in as you saw TV and social media portraying things like community, connection, laughter, food and sharing. That can be especially devastating right now.

5/ Maybe you were never seen, heard, or genuinely loved this time of year, or something unspeakable happened to you during this season— so even though your life “seems perfect” and you “should be grateful” you find your heart breaking and your tears close at unexpected times.

6/ I, for one, lost my mom four years ago. Christmas was her favorite time of year and she relished in every aspect of it. And while I do a pretty good job of trying to honor her memory, these weeks bring beautiful memories that I cherish but that also register as painful loss.

7/ The best advice I can give is a practice that is hard, and that takes practice, but that works well over time:

When the actual pain hits, instead of numbing it, avoiding it, stuffing it down with food and drink, or trying to bury it with new memories, go towards it. Lean in.

8/ Consciously decide to let the pain have its moment in the sun. Let the emotion fill you, exist, or be exactly what it is trying to be. Invite the feeing in and try to consciously feel it as fully as you can. Pay attention to it. Notice where it shows up in your body.

9/ You don’t need to get sucked into the past. You don’t owe the past anything—you already lived it. Just be there with the pain right now and listen to it. This pain is not your enemy; it’s your friend, and it is telling you something important. It wants to be seen and heard.

10/ As you do this, it is important to remember two things:

1. Emotional pain cannot hurt you. It is a message, not a threat.

and

2. Emotional pain is always, ALWAYS temporary.

11/ Emotional pain like this will not kill you and it will not last. Say this out loud to yourself when it shows up if you need to. Resist your fight/flight/freeze impulse. Don’t run. Don’t stuff it. Just breathe deep and relax into it.

12/ The only way out, as they say, is through.

Pushing it down, numbing it, trying to squash or avoid it with food or busy-ness or noise means it will show up another day. And in the meantime it will taint your life, subtly.

Letting it exist and feeling it fully frees you.

13/ This is hard to do, even though it sounds simple. It’s something I have been working on for years and it is still challenging. But I can say that every time I actively, consciously do this, old pain loses its grip on me, and older versions of me heal and find peace.

14/ Sometimes I even envision them—these older, hurt parts of me showing up during the holidays. I see my closeted gay teen self, so filled with shame and fear, or the me that felt guilt and loss as he watched his mother slowly die of Early Onset Alzheimer’s from a distance.

15/ These “Ghosts of Christmas Past” (cheesy, I know, but I think Dickens was on to something ) show up because, fundamentally, we yearn for wholeness and healing. They are reminders that we have unfinished business. As we see these ghosts and listen to them, we are healed.

16/ Alongside this idea is a similar, tandem task of witnessing and honoring current pain. Take account of your current losses, and the ways you are wounded because of the events of this year’s season. Gently observe yourself. Are you coping or running? Are you hurting? Why?

17/ Do what you can to honor today’s pain, while being open to feeling any of yesteryear’s pain as well.

Journal to express feelings of loss and confusion. Talk to a friend.

Listen to your gut and enact any symbolic acts to commemorate this year’s difficulties.

18/ Doing so can look like:

Ceremonially putting putting something away, throwing something out, or conversely, putting something on display in honor of this year’s hurt.

Having a conversation you have been avoiding.

Tenderly performing acts of self care you have neglected.

19. Most powerfully of all, breath deeply and mentally let yourself off of any hooks you’ve put yourself on:

-you didn’t do this year wrong
-you are allowed to not be perfect.
-you are allowed to not have shown up
-you are allowed to be sad when people expect happiness
(Cont)

20/
-you are allowed to say “no”
-you are allowed to have accidentally given in, given too much, or “disappointed” yourself in some way
-you are allowed to have fucked up, gotten mad, been sullen, treated people poorly, been grumpy, forgotten things or people, been a bitch/dick

21/
-you are allowed to release yourself from having to show up anywhere for any reason
-you are allowed to lie in bed, or have lain in bed for weeks
-you are allowed to be late, or have been late
-you are allowed to forget or have forgotten

22/
-you are allowed to have a messy house, a dirty bathroom, unkempt hair
-you are allowed to wear your damn pajamas (I did yesterday to the store, and some guy stopped me and said he he wished he were that bold cuz they looked comfy—and he was right, they fuckin WERE )

23/
-unhook yourself from anything that feels obligatory or like a “should.”
-unhook yourself from anything distracting you from your expansive, wise soul and its pure agenda
-unhook yourself from managing anybody’s feelings; their feelings are their responsibility, not yours.

24/
Being is enough.

Those sound like empty words, but they are true.

Being, in whatever state you are in, is what belonging is. It is your only true job.

And look at you! reading this, right now, in this moment, *being* like a goddam champion.

You are good at this!

25/ In conclusion, happy holidays, you wonderful, beautiful, intrinsically good, intrinsically worthy soul, you.

I’m so sorry for the ways this year was hard.

I grieve with you.

And I hold hope for future Decembers where the pain is lighter and the triggers gentler.