anxious attachment style being seen as worse than avoidant attachment styles is probably misogyny

I think avoidant attachment styles actually cause people a lot more pain, but because the symptoms are often read as “masculine” it’s not seen as very serious, whereas anxious attachment styles are basically sent to the sanitarium

I mean... which one of these to do you think society not only tolerates, but celebrates? And how gendered are they?

Also think about how women are encouraged to take on the symptoms of avoidant attachment to become “worthy” of love. Are men ever told to become more anxious?

I also offer up that a “tendency to put others and their needs first” would not be so much of an issue if everyone was conditioned to think this way. And I’m not talking about two partners, I’m talking about whole communities. But we’re not conditioned this way and so

Often putting others first becomes impossible to do without being hurt. But I actually do not think it is a bad way to think

I am most comfortable when I prioritize others (to an extent) over myself. The issue comes when the behavior is never or rarely reciprocated, and when I’m shamed for doing these things. So then, I become avoidant. I’m praised for that for awhile, then shamed again

And yea, of course... y’all will say that the key is to find a balance, to get to a “secure” attachment style. But who defines balance? Who defines secure? Who defines health?

Also think about how we have created a mental health and societal structure that punishes people who’ve been through childhood trauma by telling them they’re not worthy of relationships. But we have prioritized people who have not had this trauma — which often means privileged

By framing them as ideal partners and friends and parents.

We reward people who do not give, and punish those who do give. We reward people who are stingy with affection, and punish those who give it freely. And then we wonder why the latter group is so sad, why they feel unworthy and unloved. Because we told them that they are!

WELL. One thing I’ve learned today — jk I already knew that — is that y’all associate anxious types with more “dangerous” behavior like stalking and such. But no one has suggested that an avoidant style might be more prone to something like sexual or physical assault.

Y’all also associate anxious types with gendered disorders like BPD and bipolar - I think bipolar is gendered, to an extent

There’s still this idea that anxious types are more volatile, more manipulative, more exhausting, more emotionally destructive, etc. These are gendered things in the context of mental illness.

Y’all are also not hearing me when I say that a lot of women with anxious attachment styles can be gradually shamed/traumatized into being avoidant, because they feel it’s what society wants from them. To not have needs or wants or insecurities.