Let’s talk about kids and nervous systems!

The job of your nervous system is to keep you alive and safe. Because humans evolved on as fairly easy prey for big cats, we had to be hyperaware of our environment. Super incredible adaption: the nervous system does this on autopilot.

Because of our rockstar nervous systems, humans don’t have to use our energy hungry prefrontal cortex to make survival decisions

When our nervous system senses a threat, our brains literally shut off the prefrontal cortex with a hormone dump and sends us into fight/flight/freeze

Lol gotta jet for a bit my 5 year old is lecturing me about my screen time (which, fair), planning an unmanned missions to Saturn to “collect gems”, and asking me to explain how T cells fight germs

Aight SO, kids’ nervous systems are constantly taking in information about their surroundings.

You know.

Because tigers.

ALSO. They gotta cry. Because if you don’t cry you could get left in a cave in a rush one night and then you’re tiger lunch! Or just miss too many meals.

Kids’ first experiences (0-5 especially) are really formative for creating neural pathways.

Kids who have their needs met largely have different brain connectivity compared to kids whose needs were mostly neglected.

Ok so I have to stop here and say this is not parent/caregiver-shamey thread. When I say needs I mean the basics: food, shelter, and most important: comfort when they’re sad/scared.

If consistent shelter/food is hard for you to secure, don’t stress. kids are truly so resilient.

Data shows kids who have at least one consistent, attentive, responsive caregiver get nervous system benefits that pay off their entire lives. This benefit is especially strong in terms of mental health in adulthood.

Kids who associate their primary caregiver/s with negative experiences - including physical discipline of any kind - don’t get those benefits.

(Again. This scenario isn’t the end of the world. I was literally never responded to. From birth. Yet I have an incredible life.)

There is no such thing as non-abusive physical punishment of a child. There is no difference between “discipline” and a beating. We’ve got decades of data proving this. The only difference is in degrees of harm, some of which is permanent. Kids’ nervous systems remember.

There are a lot of arguments being made for “good enough” parenting right now. And frankly, if that’s the best you can do, DO IT. I completely relate to survival mode parenting.

But as much as possible respond to your kid’s fear and pain with support and affection. That matters.

Since I love data, the adult kids with the closest relationships to their parents remember things like a consistent bedtime and reading together. This doesn’t need to be complicated.

And be kind to yourself! Especially if your adult wasn’t kind to you. You deserve it.

When kids are responded to with affection, they build up emotional resilience to negative and harmful situations. When they don’t have that center, that knowledge that someone is always on their side, finding resilience is more difficult.

I think of this kind of affectionate caregiving like giving my kid emotional armor.

I can’t always be with them (well, when it’s not a pandemic anyway) but I can make sure that they have that extra little bit of protection every time they leave.

It makes a huge difference