AHEM. Formalists don't even formalise anymore and what the hell kind of set theory does merge come from anyway; functionalists are wildly unconstrained and throw just so stories around like confetti; semanticists sure we do lambda calculus in our heads please buy my magic beans.. https://twitter.com/guesswhynope/status/1342889426242908161

phonologists: sympathy flowers and unexpressed sounds mm-hm ok; phoneticians it's the 21st century how can you still not have that down; sociolinguists let me introduce you to the other 6000 languages of the world; morphologists come on then, define word for me...

historical linguists stop attacking anything that smells like new methods or just lock yourself in the library and call yourself philologists again; semioticians you're ok; applied linguists if you're so interdisciplinary why spend all your time telling me what you *don't* do;

Pragmatacists lol good luck nailing that one down; psycholinguists you are aptly named; computational linguists you are not aptly named and stop being so rich; language acquisition...ists... try to agree on something it's just babies come on;

language evolutionists I love you but maybe we should open a book on evolutionary theory one day hey; philosophers of language stop talking about truth and no I won't tell you what a word really means;

typologists no you are not the living incarnation of empiricism and measurement is theory-laden dammit; language documen..tarians(?) good job but who are those guys waving bibles over there;

linguistic anthropologists i have some bad news have you ever looked up Boas's views on race in America not so egalitarian now; sign language people yes the work is awesome but *cough* gatekeeping; linguists of all persuasions we can't even agree on what language is, seriously?

But well done all of us for pretending to be a cohesive discipline, you're all good people but frankly none of you are scientific or do real linguistics, let's own it into 2020 and have a Happy New Year.