A lot of people that I made up have been asking me "Scorch, how do I get girls to like me?" Women have been historically and eternally an enigma to the male mind. Infinitely complicated, yet deceptively simple. Today I will reveal many secrets about what women really want:

Women are different and they ultimately aren't going to match up all their interests across the entire sex. And furthermore their interests can change with age. But there are a few things that almost all women can agree that they want in a man, and it begins with The Doors.

If a woman is cool, she loves The Doors because Jim Morrison is handsome, slings around a big dick, and whispers poetry into your ears. His Navy admiral dad also fed him satanic MKULTRA propaganda which makes him a bad boy, and women always love bad boys. You aren't Jim Morrison.

However you can basically play The Doors in the car when you drive her around and be real smooth and she'll basically associate you with Jim Morrison. Speaking of driving, make her sit in the back seat. Your only eye contact should be through the rear view mirror.

If you suck at giving her "dad driving you around" vibe, you can always play the Travis Bickle confident autist and just ramble about how people aren't real anymore and you wanna be a part of society. Make sure you twitch a lot and smirk, and maintain eye contact way too long.

Women love it when men wear extremely expensive watches, but hate it when men even notice or care about them. You're probably not rich but a good bootleg Vacheron Constantin or Patek Phillipe only costs like $400 dollars and you can scratch it all day without freaking out.

You can also drop $120 on a bootleg Rolex or Omega. When she points out that you have a nice watch, take it off and throw it out of the window while you're driving. Look at her and say "I don't give a FUCK about it" and watch her gasp as you pull another out of your pocket.

Women get turned out when you commit acts of unspeakable violence in front of them. If you're a big pussy or don't wanna go to jail though, you can always pay a homeless guy $40 to pretend to mug you and let you kick his ass while you're walking out on the streets.

Women like soft little baby animals, like puppies or kittens. One is plenty to get a crowd of women around you in public, but for maximum results I recommend a jumpsuit with multiple pouches. About a dozen or so puppies strapped to your arms, legs, and chest should do the trick.

Women sometimes hate themselves and love being degraded by filthy losers. This is actually a blood memory of Diogenes the Cynic. If you can't afford the previous methods, living in squalor is free, the stinkier you are the better. If you fail, you can just jerk off in public now.

Women like it when you're tall, obviously. This is a point of great despair for many short kings. Not to worry though. If you're below 5'8, you now have unlocked the ability to date extremely tall women who fetishize height differences, which is almost every super tall woman.

If fashion is a problem for you, just wear something simple like exercise pants and a tanktop. Then buy a lot of textiles and silk ornate fabrics and pile them around yourself like you're a flaming Indian prince or you own an art gallery. Get yourself a pair of eskimo sunglasses.

Most women are attracted to men that remind them of their dads. I don't recommend focusing on a particular woman too hard because ultimately it's not really up to you how your love life turns out, but if you're pining for a particular girl, try stalking her dad and mimicking him.

If you're obese, you can actually get away with not working out if your frame is powerful enough. Wear flashy costumes that cut off at the stomach and draw funny designs around your navel. Slap your belly and make big rumbling laughs like a fighting game character. Women love it.

Women love the PKP Pecheneg light machine gun because it fires belt fed 7.62x54mm rounds at approximately 650 rounds per minute. It can sustain fire far longer than its predecessors with accuracy because it has a force-air cooled barrel with radial cooling ribs.

Women don't like thinking about serious or shitty things, so any time you ever feel like you need to talk to a woman seriously, or about something important, just don't. As your problems and concerns pile up over time in a relationship, just start doing drugs to deal with them.

Women like being picked up and carried because it makes them feel really tiny and safe in your arms. It also reminds them of being carried as a child, and awakens blood memories of them being stolen off for marriage by neighboring tribes. You should be able to carry most women.

This isn't a brief enjoyable moment though, carrying your woman should increase exponentially over time throughout a relationship. Eventually you should reach a Master-Blaster type arrangement where she perpetually sits on a harness mounted on your shoulders and points to places.

Physical fitness and big muscles gets girls, but only because bodybuilders and weightlifters have big forearms. Every other muscle actually doesn't matter, just forearms. I recommend getting a wooden board with some screws and using a screwdriver on it for 30 minutes a day.

This is a fantastic way to get your forearms to look huge. I also recommend trying not to use your biceps or triceps to keep them small looking, so you can accentuate the size of your swollen forearms. Also buy hand grippers and use them constantly to maximize Popeye aesthetics.

Women love a sensitive man because it makes them feel special and powerful when they break down a man's emotional wall and get a front row seat to his vulnerability. But they hate too much of it because it makes you look weak and they'll leave you for it eventually.

The best way to tease their inhibitions but maintain your attractive masculinity is to portion out your vulnerability in limited emotional breakdowns. For 90% of the time you should have no emotions whatsoever, but for 20 minutes a week, start crying and screaming profusely.

On penis size: I won't sugarcoat it fellas, women like a decently sized dick but it's not as big a deal as you're making it out to be. They have varying preferences, and even if you think you have a small dick, it's literally probably just fine as long as you're not insecure.

However, if your dick is ACTUALLY really really tiny, not to worry. You should exclusively seek out women that are librarians and museum directors because they have an appreciation for classical Greek statuesque proportions and they'll go crazy for you.

If you fancy a girl who works a diner, especially a late night one, try pretending to be Ryan Gosling in Drive and go alone constantly and order something autistic like black coffee and nothing else. Be real quiet and serious and wait 5 seconds before answering any question.

Anyway that's all I got for you. Remember to work out and be the person you would want to be with. Try doing something interesting, and never care about anything ever and if you do, hide it from anyone you want to attract. Also commit crime sometimes and BEE UR SELF! :^)