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1)Dig:
I’m a drug addict.
Part of what fueled my addiction was the secrecy of it all.
This is why, for my own sake…I tell any new friend or lover or colleague these four words:
I’m a drug addict.
I’m a drug addict.
Part of what fueled my addiction was the secrecy of it all.
This is why, for my own sake…I tell any new friend or lover or colleague these four words:
I’m a drug addict.
2)That way, if I go from being very present in their world to non-existent, they have a clue as to why.
I want to take the time to write this.
For myself.
A reminder of the two people who have stuck with me through the thick of it for whatever reason…
I have no idea.
I want to take the time to write this.
For myself.
A reminder of the two people who have stuck with me through the thick of it for whatever reason…
I have no idea.
3) Niki.
In the depths of my benders.
She checked in on me.
Forced her way into my home.
Saw my state.
My room with condom wrappers all over the place, empty baggies of coke and heroin everywhere.
She said to me, “Get up dude. I’m cooking you dinner.”
This is Niki.
In the depths of my benders.
She checked in on me.
Forced her way into my home.
Saw my state.
My room with condom wrappers all over the place, empty baggies of coke and heroin everywhere.
She said to me, “Get up dude. I’m cooking you dinner.”
This is Niki.
4)Amylou.
We were friends, lovers, companions.
Like most who are unfortunate enough to say the dreaded words to me, “I Love you”…
I disappeared shortly afterwards.
Once sober and years later I had the courage to call her…and apologize for everything that I’ve done to her.
We were friends, lovers, companions.
Like most who are unfortunate enough to say the dreaded words to me, “I Love you”…
I disappeared shortly afterwards.
Once sober and years later I had the courage to call her…and apologize for everything that I’ve done to her.
5) Things…that I didn’t think words would ever come close to being enough to be forgiven for.
But you know what? She forgave me.
I came back to the city after my industry shut down and my job disappeared, and she helped me with my move in.
But you know what? She forgave me.
I came back to the city after my industry shut down and my job disappeared, and she helped me with my move in.
6) She gave me a lamp. She gave me a Roomba.
She gave me a dustbuster.
She gave me a plant.
That plant is a succulent.
I call that plant Kitty.
She asks me how Kitty is doing regularly but I know that she’s really asking me how I’M doing.
This is Kitty and Amylou.
She gave me a dustbuster.
She gave me a plant.
That plant is a succulent.
I call that plant Kitty.
She asks me how Kitty is doing regularly but I know that she’s really asking me how I’M doing.
This is Kitty and Amylou.
7) Addiction is difficult.
I had been a performer and musician for a living and it was very easy to maintain and nobody would have a clue.
I stopped being a performer because, well,we don’t have to get into that.
I focused on working the periphery in show business.
I got sober.
I had been a performer and musician for a living and it was very easy to maintain and nobody would have a clue.
I stopped being a performer because, well,we don’t have to get into that.
I focused on working the periphery in show business.
I got sober.
8) For the last 10 years I have kept my addiction at bay because I have had a job that you can’t maintain while being an addict.
That job has disappeared due to Covid.
That job won’t pick up again until 2022, I’m told.
That job has disappeared due to Covid.
That job won’t pick up again until 2022, I’m told.
9)
Now I’m jobless.
I’m alone.
Alone doesn’t bother me too much because I just wind up fucking up any kind of relationship I get into regardless of my addiction.
But…every day.
EVERY DAY.
I want to be numb.
Now I’m jobless.
I’m alone.
Alone doesn’t bother me too much because I just wind up fucking up any kind of relationship I get into regardless of my addiction.
But…every day.
EVERY DAY.
I want to be numb.
10)And that side of my brain that wants to try to maintain a healthy lifestyle and healthy friendships is ALWAYS at odds with that portion of my brain that says, “Fuck it. You are gonna die of something…might as well die while you are having fun.”
11) No matter how many people say they are there for you…
It’s appreciated but it never quells the pain inside.
The want.
The need to NOT feel.
Today I’ve been staring at my phone. Wanting to call my dealer. Wanting to break the now 5 days I’ve had off of using.
It’s appreciated but it never quells the pain inside.
The want.
The need to NOT feel.
Today I’ve been staring at my phone. Wanting to call my dealer. Wanting to break the now 5 days I’ve had off of using.
12)
I’m trying to do things that will distract me from that urge.
So I write this. In a few, I will run some errands.
I will look at Kitty and remember AmyLou and Niki and hope that I don’t disappoint them again.
I will hope.
I will try.
I'm a drug addict.
This is me:
I’m trying to do things that will distract me from that urge.
So I write this. In a few, I will run some errands.
I will look at Kitty and remember AmyLou and Niki and hope that I don’t disappoint them again.
I will hope.
I will try.
I'm a drug addict.
This is me:
